A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so angry and very hurt with my so called "best friend". We have been friends 30+ years, since grade school.She is an intensely private person who hates phone calls, she NEVER calls, when she can be bothered to get back to me she texts. She is VERY VERY private, had a hot temper and is sarcastic, sadly I do not have the gift of sarcasm and cannot out wit her, she hates argument, as do I. She ahs had mild depression over the years and has been on and off mild medication, and has had therapy. She is single, she works, she lives her life, and she had parents, a neice, and an older sister who she is close to and sees regularly, they live interstate. I am her only friend, she is happy in her own company with her 2 cats and her music and her craft hobbies. She doesn't not want help, (she ahs said this a few times she hates being helped or pitied)and me turning up to her home uninvited would be met with anger and sarcasmshe has said this t me a few times..late Novemeber we were meant to meet for a movie, she never texted me to confirm the time, after she said she would.. (damn rude) I sent a text saying "you must be busy so I'll go anyway, text me when you are free"I heard nothing...and so I went alone.She ignored my 2 casual texts I sent over the next month, saying hi and that she must be busy and to text me when she's free. No demands, no anger, no pressure, I just wanted to see meet up, I was secretly quite angry she ignored me and was rude about the movie..I got a text early Decemeber last yr, saying "hi, am free this day if that suits" no apology for the late reply, no explanation of why she didn't text me back, no "sorry its late how are you?" from her nothing..I couldnt help myself, I was so annoyed. so I text back" hello, I am free on **** day I did text you last week..." not rude but I wanted to let her know she was not being a good friend and ignored me.. I have not heard from her since, its been 4.5 months since we saw each other, she did not text me merry xmas or happy new year, I didnt text her as she had been ignoring me.. Obviously I am not important enough to her and she is throwing the fship away.I'm sorry but she is rude and I have been polite with me texts. why should I make the effort to text? its her turn!! This is friendship only, but its a long term fship. WE usually see each other every 3-4 weeks, with occasional texts.. and its been 4.5 months..maybe shes over it? I have done nothing wrong and we have not argued when we saw each other early last November. Again she hates people helping her so I cannot turn up at her home to see if she's OK, she would hate me. She also has a protective older sister that would hunt me down I she found out f I turned up at her home invited. what the *** hasn't she texted me? she's a damn rude person and I am hurt.. yes I have other friends, a few casual coffee and lunch friends I see every 3-12 months, not close friends.. I have no family nearby and we are not close..am I right to feel hurt?????
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 March 2016):
 I agree that this friendship is not offering you much right now, and if for whatever reason your friend or ex friend is not doing even a minimal share of cultivating your relationship, it's time to let it go, and stop flogging a dead horse.
It is a normal reaction to be hurt- but try not to be offended. I mean, obviously you can't be thrilled of being ditched by someone that counted something for you since over 30 years, but try not to take it personally.
If this woman has been struggling with depression on and off along the years, she may very possibly be experiencing a new bout of depression. It does not matter if it is
" mild " as opposed to severe. With depression it does not work like with, say, a cold or a headache; like, if you have a MILD cold you can still kick yourself in your butt and go to work, if you have a MILD headache you can still force yourself to go out with friends even if maybe you'll enjoy it less. With depression, the difference between mild and severe pertains to other symptoms- so hopefully your friend won't have long cryng spells, or become incapable to eat or to sleep , or have suicidal thoughts etc. BUT, the anhedonia will be probably just the same, i.e. the incapacity to find solace, entertainment and fulfillment in activities previously enjoyed. In simple words, yes,... she can't bother. She cannot bother calling you, shooting the breeze , coming with you to the movies,... - socializing in general. But that won't be about YOU, it will be the same for everybody in her life, except the persons she MUST see for work or business or serious stuff.
It's not that she would ENJOY ignoring you, or being cold to you. It would simply be that she has lost her interest and motivation to seek the company also of people that she used to like and appreciate. It's a pity , but it's not personal.
As for being rude.... depressed people ARE often rude. It's not that they want to, it's just that being courteous and having manners requires from them an effort which they do not feel at all able to sustain.
It is also true that you are not her doctor or her mom, so you are not expected to put up indefinitely with this type of situation where you give without receiving , and where your efforts are never reciprocated.
I think it is perfectly legitimate , in human relationships in general, to ask yourself " what's in it for me ". Friendships are a two way street- otherwise, it's charity work. So , if you decide that this friendship has totally run its course, you are quite justified. Only, I suggest to try not take your friend 's behaviour too personally, with both her personality and her history of depression , I would bet she is the same with everybody around her.
A
female
reader, kateisme  +, writes (14 March 2016):
Hello there, I can relate to your frustrations except that i am more like the annoying friend of yours.I too am very private about my life and do not want to bring people down with my problems. Sometimes i was so caught up with life and issues that i did not have the time to maintain a friendship. I hope that my friend would understand. In fact, i texted her to tell her that i am sorry for "missing in action" because i am dealing with some situations and i will not be able to meet with her for the time being. I get a sense of relief when she replied that no problem and she knew i was having issues and i should be in touch when im ready. Maybe you can take a different approach, instead of being mad at her try to reach out to her if she wants to talk. Let her know that you are always ready when she is available to hang out again. Try not to add the pressure on her to commit for now.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 March 2016):
 I'd "demote" her to acquaintance, because she REALLY isn't being a friend and neither... are you.
She is making you feel things that, I BET YOU, she doesn't intend at all. And it makes you.. not polite at all. Which I don't think is your intention.
You know the saying :" you can drag a horse to water... but you can't make it drink", right? It's the same with people. You can TRY and be friend and do things with her, but if she really doesn't WANT TO she isn't going to do it.
Her having (had or still have) a depression DOES explain a lot. People with depression pushes away people and isolate themselves, mostly because they have NOTHING to give. They are so low on everything, that just trying to do their job takes everything. I've been there. I was a a "bad" friend for a long time. THANKFULLY my friends (several of them) all told me, "hey it hurts my feeling when you so blatantly ignore me and give nothing back, do you still WANT this friendship or not? If you do the ball is in your court." And that made me sit up and take notice - I have been MUCH better since that chat. And I have also worked on my depression.
NOT that I am saying her depression is a good excuse, but I have BEEN there and I know how hard it can be from HER perspective.
So if you feel there is ANYTHING worth saving, I agree with Ivy and write a letter.
If you don't feel there is anything worth saving, then MOVE ON, mentally demote her from friend to acquaintance and let it go. YOU can not change who she is and HOW she deals with things. All you can control is HOW you react.
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A
female
reader, miss frank +, writes (13 March 2016):
Hi. I can really sense the hurt and anger from you here, but like the other aunts I cant understand why you are persuing this Friendship with someone who clearly doesn't care as much as you? Your choices are thus as I see them:Carry on contacting her, then when she ignores you, you get angry and rejected.Send her a text - brief, stating hey hope you are well? Its just I'm noticing you aren't responding to my contacts and its upsetting me. If you don't want me to text you I can stop, but didn't want to stop if you aren't responding for another reason. Then don't text again unless,she does.Or just stop contacting her.These are your choices, you're angry and upset are only affecting you, not her, she doesn't even know how you feel. You need to make a decision and stick by it.good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): She sounds like she has some thing wrong with her. If she is able to live a normal healthy life I would let her be. I would not hang around with people who depress me.
You sound like a great friend, work on making new friends. If she wants to continue being your friend let her try harder. I would be really offended by her behaviour and I would not let it happen over and over.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): Why do you need such friend? If I were you I would just drop her and find another friend whose nature, manners, views and temperaments fit yours.Clearly the way you describe her she seems to be arrogant and self centered. Who wants a friend like that?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (13 March 2016):
 I read it as being time to let the friendship go, she is an adult and should be able to make decisions for herself, even if that decision is to do nothing, or let her sister rule who she communicates with.
You say it yourself, maybe she is over it.
So, either let it go, with or without a graceful text letting her know she is no longer on your Christmas card list, or continue as you are, getting more and more angry with no response and therefore no outlet to explain your anger.
She has made her choices, now its time for you to decide what your response to those choices will be, let it go, or keep hitting your head against a brick wall.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 March 2016):
 Tone down the agro lady. You post, you get advice. My suggestion was with good intention,more for you saving grace not hers. Do as you please
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): this is poster...why would i write a letter? why? so she can show her hot tempered older sister and family and they can say what a bad friend ive been? or laugh at me?no thanks, im no joke! i know who she is, !! we've been friends for years!! dont tell me i dont know her!! but she was not always like this, she used to text back even if i made 80% effort..im not texting her again, why? so she can ignore meor text me back in a month with an excuse? " ive been busy" or whatever.. i'll help her if she needs it but she doesnt want my friendship or to contact me? i was so upset the friendship is gone but am slowly getting over it.
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 March 2016):
Maybe it is time for you to accept that this is the way she is and instead of you constantly trying to keep the friendship alive bow out now with a nice heartfelt hand written letter explaining why. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2016): this is poster: she has parents i mean!! they are alive.
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