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female
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*g
writes: I have been with my partner for almost a year and we live together. He has been seperated from his wife for 3 years, but is not yet divorced. He says its a matter of money but I think he could afford it if he really wanted to. He has 3 kids and I think this is something to do with it as his ex says she will change their surname if they divorce. he says he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, and our life together gives me no reason not to trust him, except for this. They never see each other so its not like they are still into each other. Am I over reacting?
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female
reader, willywombat  +, writes (25 April 2006):
 His wife cannot change the children's surname without permission as regardless of whether they are married or divorced he is the father and has half the parental rights, tell him to seek legal advice on this if she threatens it again.
As for divorce - are you completely sure that he is only doing this for the reasons you have stated or do you think there is more to it than he is letting on?
If you really want to test him and get him to commit fully to you then you need to give him an ultimatum. If he still choses not to divorce his wife then you have your answer. There is still unfinished business between them.
A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (24 April 2006):
 Has he agreed a financial settlement with her or is his name still on the mortgage? If they divorce there will be a division of assets and perhaps he is concerned about this. The act of divorcing is very stressful and perhaps he hopes not to rock the balance of a delicate relationship between him, her and having good access to the children. It may be that she does not want to divorce and is using the name change as a veiled threat. You would be amazed, if you don't already know, how much power ex wives wield psychologically over their ex husbands espcially when it comes to having access to the children. Not everyone is like this, myself included, but I have seen things go very nasty indeed at divorce time and once-devoted children subtly manipulated into not wanting a relationship with their Dad anymore. These are just horrible ideas. I would not be worried about your security with him, he is obviously not interested in her. Perhaps the ex will accept double barrelled names when you get to that stage. Probably not though!
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