A
female
age
51-59,
*haron87
writes:Hi,I'm looking for some advice regarding a guy. I'm seeing this guy for 6 months now. We both are in our early 40's, and it's going well, he's honest, tansparent. However, I'm struggling with a few things, and I'm wondering am I over reacting! He is friendly with a girl 33 years old, for years, claims they are best buddies, and he says she's more like a guy than a girl. And is adamant that there never was or will be anything between them. Initially, I had no problem with the friendship, however in recent weeks I'm beginning to question it. Every weekend they meet, if we are not meeting, not just for a coffee but they go out together for drinks. A few weeks ago, on a Saturday night, I was meeting friends, and he ended up going out with this girl and all her friends for the whole night, all in their late 20's early 30's. The weekend before, once again, he met a few of his buddies but ended up going to a night club with this girl and her friends. Last weekend, I was out on a hen night, met him at the end of the night and he was with her.... We arranged to meet! Every weekend, she contacts him and they either go for lunch or will catch up for a drink at some point. To be honest, he doesn't seem to have many friends, and I think this girl might lean on him a bit, she seems to be a bit troubled, and to be honest I don't think it's normal. As far as I'm concerned, you'd be meeting a friend of the opposite sex maybe every so often, not every weekend. Am I totally over reacting? He claims she just plays the field and isn't interested in meeting anyone. We did talk about it, and he said he will refrain from going out with this girl and all her friends, but he will continue to meet this friend as they've known each other for years. I can't really say anything, but I just don't like it, and to be honest, this whole friendship he has with her is making me wonder about our relationship. For me, it's like I like a man to be a man, go out with his mates, not young girls.... What would he have in common with them?? Ok, am I totally over reacting??? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (4 October 2016):
 You need to have trust in a relationship, do you trust him? Because if you don't then not much point being with him. Do you both do things at the weekend? Instead off him going out with his friends, why not make plans at the weekend so you can spend time together. It is good that you spend time apart, and I think if he was heading out with a male friend it would not bother you. You need to be secure in this relationship or it is not going to work.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2016): I would say your description in your post is well detailed and allows for better advice than the usual jealousy-induced post from new girlfriends. You offered several different examples, and I believe your suspicions are on target. Normally, I'd just suggest you check your jealousy.
She's deliberately competing for his attention, establishing territory; nearly pissing on his leg. Although he claims it to be "just friends;" it doesn't mean that's the only way she sees it.
She is emotionally-attached. I'm sorry to say, he will try to play it off. Even lie to protect what they have; because she's his fallback, if and when you have a disagreement or breakup. That's what they've done over the years.
Platonic relationships do not compete with romantic relationships.
Out of respect for your feelings, and loyalty to you; he should not fill-in the gap with her every-time you're apart. That's annoying, and she's making certain it sends you the message which bitch is the Alpha.
If you officially committed to just seeing each other, it's not really exclusive. Constantly spending time together defines their relationship more along the line of friends with benefits than just friends. The fact is, she isn't one of the guys. She's female.
One thing goes without saying (as your post says it all), women read each other very well; and don't easily fool each other. From her constant attempt to be your stand-in during your absence, it is proof he means more to her than just a friend. His allowing it reaffirms her actions.
You've spoken to him about it. Therefore, he should set some boundaries. If he just tells you what you want to hear just to avert any further discussion; decide whether you want a guy with friends who know their place, or a guy who goes out of his way to let everyone know you're his one and only woman. No substitutes or fill-ins are required.
Too many guys getaway with keeping their little harems and playing "just friends," with a bunch of clingy possessive females. While there's that particular female going out of way to be a wedge in his relationship. If a guy is too stupid to see it, he's got selective-vision. He's hoping his blindness is contagious. That's when you clear his vision and tell him you see what he doesn't or denies.
If it doesn't stop and you're feeling uncomfortable about the fact it doesn't change, it's your problem if you want to stick around and fight over him. If she's got seniority and claims time in service, why waste your precious time competing with that? Find yourself a more available guy.
Otherwise, be the Alpha-female. Let him know you're not comfortable with their inseparable friendship arrangement. You don't like his spending all his spare time with her if he considers you his girlfriend. How would he feel if you found a good-looking male friend, just to fill-in for his absence and even the score?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 October 2016):
 Maybe there is a lot more to the friendship than we can comprehend, given BOTH their backgrounds. Maybe she is a pseudo-sister since he "lost" his own family and the family he does have (brother) he doesn't get along with). So it's a VERY different dynamics than you would have if she was "just" a female friend, I think.
I would TRY (if I were in your shoes and wanted to continue to date him) to regard her AS his sister. The ONLY family he has. I think it makes more sense and might bring a different perspective to it. I mean, IF she WAS his sister you wouldn't find it odd that they spend so much time, would you?
As for how she sees it, I can't say. But I can say that I have seen siblings having WAY more odd relationships than that.
I'd go slow, I'd keep my own life going to (with that I mean not stop hanging out with YOUR friends, family, hobbies, things you enjoy etc.)
If there is a balance there between you doing YOU and him doing HIM and then the two of you making thigs work with the BOTH of you. It IS a balance, is will be a bunch of compromises and adjustments, but overall I think it's doable.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2016): Hmm this is tough because he isn't doing anything wrong but most people would feel uncomfortable as you do. Most of us temper our opposite sex friendships when we meet someone we're serious about. I have a male friend I used to go away with on short breaks but the moment I met my partner I stopped that. My partner has a long standing female friend he goes out to dinner with now and again but he doesn't stay out really late any more, he returns at a reasonable hour. In short I never do anything I wouldn't be 100 percent happy with my partner doing.Your boyfriend has already compromised by saying that he'll stop going out with this girl and her friends so I don't think you can expect any more than that. It's likely though that when she does meet a guy she likes that her friendship with your bf will cool considerably as I don't think any man would put up with their gf seeing another guy every weekend.
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A
female
reader, Sharon87 +, writes (3 October 2016):
Sharon87 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your reply Honey Pie, much appreciated... I have met her alright, only a few times. On my last night out, I met her with him and another of her male friends at the end of my night out, then she left shortly after. I know I can't tell him who to be friends with, God forbid, but I do think it's so odd.i agree, very immature unfortunately. No boundaries in my opinion. He is adopted, parents passed away over 10 years ago, he doesn't get on with his brother, so he describes this girl as his sister. Tough for home I know, but seriously, what about meeting make friends? However, I still am just very uncomfortable with it, I certainly wouldn't be meeting a male friend so often, every weekend that is. We had a huge row about him going out with the bunch of girls, he actually didn't see anything wrong with it. To be honest, the next couple of weeks will tell all, I'm not sure I'll be able to stick much more of it. Thanks again for your prompt reply.??
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A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (3 October 2016):
 I think you should discuss a little more about your relationship with him, are you guys open and connected to each other? Is he seeing YOU more or the other friend? Is he making you feel loved and wanted? Is he contacting you often and hoping to see you more an dmore? Or is he closed up and hiding this friendship?I think irregardless of his relationship with her, you should be focusing on how he makes you feel. If during the relationship you feel he is withdrawing, being uncommunicative, hiding something, feeling stronger about something/someone else than you---then you should end it. NOT BASE ON HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH THE OTHER WOMAN, but on how you feel you are being treated. its all about you, listen to your feelings.That said, the friend he has sounds like someone dragging him along. Maybe he wants her romantically but got tied down to being her 'bestfriend'. I have many guyfriends but I meet them at least once a month and chat once in a while only. The man who I am romantic with however, gets ALL of me. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it but dont be paranoid about it and confront/accuse him of something he hasnt done. Listen to your feelings, how your being treated, and communicate it to him a mature manner. If you both cant meet in middle or you still dont feel #1, then best option is to opt out and start dating again. 6 month is nothing, keep your options open. good luck =)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (3 October 2016):
I think this is a guy who is a little desperate to cling on to his youth. If he goes out partying EVERY weekend to party with a bunch of people who are much younger than him. It's (to me at least) a sign of a guy who isn't all that mature. THIS is part of who he is (or who he WANTS to be)
Would I tell him you can't go out every weekend? Would I tell him whom he can hang out with? No. But I'd find someone I share more in common with that this guy.
Also, I would not call a 33-year old woman a "young girl". Him being friends with her has previously given him access to women younger than himself. And she has had a "friendly wingman" for when they go out.
Some who is 33 can have many things in common with a 45-year-old. I have a couple of friends who are in their late 50's and some in their mid 30's - I don't really think age matters when it comes to PURE friendships.
I think at some point he will resent that you are trying to dictate who he can be friends, how he has friends and how often he goes out because his mentality about partying EVERY weekend sounds more like a man in his 20's than his 40's. OR at the least a man who hasn't had long term serious relationships.
Does he always meet this friend alone? Are you not invited? Because that seems odd to me. If she is that important in his life and you are supposedly important in his life, you should meet each other.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2016): I have a friendship with a maLe .. but I agree I think there should be boundaries.. meeting up now and then .. catching up by text or a call .. However the amount of time the fact he goes out with friends and then ends up with her would suggest to me he likes her more than friend ..
I would be uncomfortable with that .. wonder how he would feel if some young
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