A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:So, Do I have any obligation to take care of my aged Mother who was abusive to me?I very rarely have migraines now, but I had them regularly in my childhood and teenage years and later, whenever my parents came to visit. My mother was probably psychotic and made my childhood a nightmare. On top of this, she singled me - out of my brother and sister - for her own brand of abuse. I was constantly called names (lazy slut, frowsy bitch) and was HORRIFIED when I realized what they meant when I got old enough to understand what they meant. And, It skewed my vision of what I was for years. Physical abuse... I have been kicked, repeatedly, while lying on the ground in a fetal position, shielding my head, when I was only six years old, for some totally forgotten minor experience. I remember being tied up to a clothes line with a dog collar when I was only 11, because I was not home on time. I was sent out to pick up, at 13 - PUBERTY - a popsicle stick (?), when I was NAKED at the time, because she thought that she should teach me about littering on the next-door-neighbour's lawn. I was slapped in the face repeatedly in front of the neighbourhood. These were ONLY a few incidents out of MANY, and this wasn't a foster home, it was my own mother. My father (now deceased) just went along to get along. That's probably small potatoes, considering how she has behaved going forward, even in our adult relationship. Even though I have paid for European vacations for my (parents) mother, on several occasions to Italy and Ireland, she was impossible to please and difficult. After one move, a third of our belongings were vandalized by the morons who reload after U.S. Customs inspects things, and they destroyed a third of our what we owned, for no good reason. I called my mother after we had opened the shipment and viewed the damage, in tears, and she was laughing and positively gleeful (and drunk) that we had had some misfortune happen to us, as she is resentful that we have been successful. It was such a slap in the face and it felt like my childhood all over again.Legally, no one has an obligation to support a parent, and I happen to know this is a solid fact. But, I feel a lot of guilt, even though I do as much as I can. The problem is that even though I was the child that my mother disliked the most and took everything out on, because I have been successful, my siblings think that I should pay for my mothers future. She is 74. I am 54. Our grandmother lived 'till she was 94. Frankly, supporting her another 20 years isn't going to be easy, and she has never supported me. I have probably sent her about $40,000, to date. What do people out there think I am obligated to do? The unfortunate side effect is that I only have one sister left, after our brother died of cancer last year, after our dad, and she might resent me for not doing more for our mother. I also took care of my husband's father and mother when they became infirm, for which I incurred my own infirmities. I have recently had a hip replacement because of it. Long question, I know. Absolution?
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (27 September 2009):
 I think venting and whining are very constructive if they help you cope with a difficult situation. It's self-sabotage and delusional thinking that are DEstructive. I don't think you're trying to hurt anybody. You've been deeply hurt, you feel abused, your feelings and concerns have been ignored and there's this sense of entitlement to your family's wealth that seems disproportionate to the level of interest and involvement with your family's well-being.
Perhaps you are the only sane one, and that's the problem. Perhaps you haven't whined ENOUGH? Maybe it's time you told them your fixed income and shrunken retirement savings due to the economic meltdown mean you have gone back to the days of belt-tightening. Start every conversation with "I can't talk long, I'm trying to cut back on my phone bills" and just basically bore them to tears with how poor you now are. Reset their assumptions. Lie like a rug.
Tell them you have been swindled out of thousands of dollars because you fell victim to Bernie Madoff and hadn't wanted to tell anyone because you were so ashamed. Then ask if you could borrow some money from them.
Okay, the last part is a bad idea, but it's fun to fantasize and maybe it'll make you feel better?
No more doormatting! Stand strong and ignore their whining. Be nice, be calm, be firm. You don't need to justify anything about your life to them. You don't. You are a grown woman who can break out of this mold of dependency and entitlement and abuse and just blithely go on about your life.
Okay? Hugs.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry, that was venting and whining and not very constructive.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello and thanks to all of you for your time and all of the answers that you took time to write.
Tisha! You are such a great Aunt. I wish you were my sister.
Why are they turning up the heat? I guess that they think that they can pass the buck and someone else will take care of things.
My sister's answer is always something like "We both have to work, you're so lucky that you have gotten to stay home...".
In Other words, You have had it so much easier than we have...
I have made plenty of sacrifices in order for my husband to rise to the top and it wasn't always easy. I remember not having enough money, scrambling to return anything with a refund and using coupons so that there was enough to serve up two more meals for my children. I would be the first person to say that it was a luxury to stay home and raise my own children, but we both worked damn hard and sacrificed in order to do that!
And when we did finally have money, I was never in the 'Ladies-Who-Lunch" bunch or the golf or tennis club. I always worked with my kids schools, even through to the end of high school and I was there for them 24/7. I was always the Mom who drove and picked up. I remember, when my son was in university, he had an apartment fire. I was one of two mothers who showed up to help. I showed up first. I was living across the ocean at the time. Don't get me wrong, I don't micro-manage, but I am there for my kids and my husband whenever they need me.
My mom is in a 4 bedroom detached house. All of her capital is wrapped up in it. She has a huge lot and the gardening is expensive. Last year, the trimming came to $1,000, so I handed her a check for it. I told her that she was sitting on her capital and she is going to have to consider moving to free up her money. I also told her that she should take me out of the will, that she should put my sister and my brother's two children in as her inheritors, because I am financially sound and didn't need it... (it seemed like the right thing to do at the time).
The last time that I called her this summer, she got the hedges trimmed again, stating that 'it really needs to be done every year'. Then she told me that she had to replace her roof as well. That cost $5,000. I gave her a sympathetic response and changed the subject. Perhaps feeling the crunch and not being saved from "eating into her capital" will force her into some reality and made her consider moving.
I resent being used as a cash cow now that my husband is retired and we are on a fixed income. Am I supposed to spend all this money keeping her afloat just to wind up with no money in my dotage? I did all the right things and made all the right sacrifices. When my father was asked to move for work, she refused and eventually, this had a profound effect on their financial wellbeing.
I practically had to raise myself; and Now I have to raise her too? Yes. Resentment. Lots of it.
My sister told me that "she is the 'new poor, older women that become widowed and live on a pittance' ". My sister writes speeches for the government for a living and has a lawyer for a husband, who also works for the government. They both hate big business, they think that CEO's are all crooks and yet, they have had two rich relatives that have spoiled them, myself; because of my husband, and his mother; who married a well-to-do-Doctor.
I get that she works, but she would be the first person to put me down and say how much more interesting she is because of it. This comes up often on her part.
I have heard from her less and less since the death of my father and brother, but then, it also became my responsibility to 'keep-in-touch' because "I" was the one who moved away in the first place. I have to say, that the correspondence and gifts that were sent were mostly on my part, and I would hear in advance every year "that they were cutting back", but I still remembered everyone's birthdays and Christmas (they have a combined income of $150.000), until this past year, when I realized that it was far too much trouble to actually send a thank-you note.
I got tired, hurt and resentful of hearing about how much they spent on their friend's children's birthdays and how much the last adult party weekend had cost them and how upset they were that they weren't thanked. I guess I'm not very bright. It hurt that they seem to reserve their spending on making their friends happy and can't even be bothered to thank me.
In conclusion, I seem to be the doormat here.
Thanks for listening.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2009): I feel your pain, my mother did not hit us but she was mentally abusive and still is, she is 73. She does not care who or what she will say to anyone and feels she has earned the right to say what she want's even if it hurts this person. I feel that one day she will need more help in old age and no one will care to love her or be bothered with her because of this. I was 18 when I opend my first checking acc. and was very proud of it, I was always looking for a " that a girl " from my mom but never got it ever! She looked at the check book and said why did you but your first name on it and not your nick name, I thought well you should do that with a check book? she then told me how she hated my name,( I was shocked ) well I was named after my dad's mom and she hated her,, I said well then why did you not pick a name that you liked for me? She never said a word. Well I'm 50 years old now and many things have gone on in all the years past, I could go on with many stories as I know you could as well, I would say for myself, If money is not a problem then do WHAT YOU WANT on that end, your mother like mine doesn't care of the pain she has caused you and money won't change it in any way, if you have children like I do, then just love them even more then ever because they will love you more then ever back, you will never change your mom's way I have tryed to be close with my mom, she just does not care and is a cold woman. I have to not let her get me down because I think of this everyday, I just move on to things that make my life happy and healthy around me, I have talked to God about many things about her and he knows I tried with all my heart, sometimes you just can not do anything more,
God Bless and good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 August 2009):
Sorry, I wanted to expand a little on that fund idea. The point of having an outsider--an objective observer--administer the monies is that then it is not you saying "no" to things. It is what is set up and removes any emotional baggage from the equation. You set it up and then you stick to it, stating dispassionately and firmly that X is the amount you are able to divert from your own family's needs and interests, and X it shall remain. Any shred of guilt should simply blow away then, knowing you are doing what you are able to do.
And if you decide she's had enough money from you over the years, then say so. Yes, you are fortunate to have been more successful, but this is down to you and your husband's efforts and hard work, and he shouldn't be penalized financially for having a set of in-laws who weren't able to support themselves.
Why are your mother and your sister turning up the pressure now?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 August 2009):
Absolution. Your mother sounds like a deeply troubled woman and I wouldn't blame you one bit if you never spoke to her again. That being said, you probably can't cut ties with her like that, as it affects more than just you--it involves your sister and her family (?) and your brother's surviving family as well as your own.
How fortunate that you were able to rise above this awful childhood and go on to be stable, sane and successful. (I'm assuming sane and stable, but from the way you've written, you certainly sound that way!)
How would I handle this? Hmmm. Toughie. I guess I'd need to understand what "take care" of her means. And have her circumstances changed recently that suddenly you're being expected to do more?
First of all, it's no one's business but your own what you and your husband's financial situation is. With the economy the way it is, you can certainly plead altered circumstances. Do you have children, and if so, where are they in their lives--college or freshly out on their own? Your primary obligation would be to them, I think. So mentally set aside a 6 month emergency fund for them, then another 6 month emergency fund for yourselves. Your nieces and nephews might need help as well, especially if your brother died leaving them in financial difficulty.
What are your mother's living arrangements now, and forgive me for not knowing what Canada's support for its aging population is, but are there programs that can help her? Did your father leave a pension for her? She should have been planning for her own future, not expecting you to be her emergency fall-back position. That's simply not sensible--what if you had a major illness yourself? She can't rely on you to do this for her.
I think if I were you, I'd figure out what financially I'd feel comfortable with giving her if absolutely necessary. This has nothing to do with what your mother or your sister perceive as your ability to pay. You have your own obligations and do not have to justify this to anyone but your accountant and the tax authorities! Perhaps you can go so far as to set up some kind of fund for her that is administered by an impartial person--an accountant?--that you AND your sister pay into, if you so choose, and that person then disburses funds to pay specific bills or housing costs. That way, you're not giving her money straight out and she can't misuse it. The problem with this is that she would then have to account for her spending and this might be an invasion of privacy. But if she's invading your privacy enough to decide that you need to fund things for her, I guess turnabout is fair play here.
As far as taking her into your home, you can safely say 'no' to that for all the health reasons you've laid out. She may be your mother, but she certainly sounds more like your own personal Spanish inquisition--you do not have to tolerate that in your life any longer. You're a big girl now, she's made her choices and you are now fully free to make your own. If your sister chooses to accomodate her, that is entirely up to your sister and has nothing to do with you.
I certainly would make it quite clear that the past abuse you've suffered has damaged your relationship with your mother irrevocably, and under no circumstances should you be made to feel guilty for your feelings.
You can't control her or her behavior, but you can control your own, along with your own reactions to her. Don't let her (or your sister, as an agent for your mother) push those buttons any longer. You don't have to tolerate it, you shouldn't have had to tolerate it back then, you certainly don't have to take abuse now. If they can't handle the new you, tough. That's THEIR problem. Hold your head high, make the most graceful and gracious offer of financial support that does not make you feel ill, and go on about your life, knowing that you are doing the best you can for you and your children and your husband.
So there.
Hugs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): My mother in law was like this with me. She treated me terribly for many years and then needed my help when she became old and infirm. She expected me to help contribute towards an expensive care home for her. I wouldn't. This caused ructions between my husband and I but truly I have never hated anyone so much in all my life.
I personally feel absolutely no guilt and nor should you. If you weren't treated properly by her and genuinely feel that way then that is fine. It is perfectly ok not to do something and you should feel no guilt
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (13 August 2009):
 I think you have to go with what you feel in your heart. And I think that you want/need for others to tell you that it is OK to cut her off.
I think it is ok for you to cut her out of your life. She made your life a living hell and still you turned out to be a good human being. THAT - is all you. Nothing to do with HER.
You have siblings. Have you talked to them about what to do with MOM?
If you ask me you OWE her nothing, the fact that you still talk to her is more then she deserve.
I would suggest you find a therapist to help you as well, maybe that way you can make your OWN decision about this.
Good luck,
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A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (13 August 2009):
 You have a simple choice you can live with the guilt of not looking after her or live through the pain and suffering your mother will inflict on you. if you look after your mother you can be absolutely sure she will live to a very old age so she can be sure that your suffering will last as long as possible. Why would anyone want to through their life away like that. You have done more then should have been asked of you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2009): of course you shouldn't feel obligated to be kind to someone who has made your life hell. YOu could watch her fade away and do nothing about it, but how would you feel? Good? Happy? Satisfied? If yes to any of these things, I fear you have a heart of revenge. If that's what will make you happy however, by all means proceed. You have every right. But then how will you feel after she has died? And how will you feel when you are old and feeble and realize how much you need your children and how much regret the mistake that you've made, knowing full well you can't take them back?
Now does she care what she's done? Maybe not now, maybe not ever but maybe so. This shouldn't change your answer because we're not dealing with a simple "should I babysit for her after she was a total bitch to me" situation. These are the years in a person's life when he/she begins to see the impact s/he has made on people.
This is not an obligation vs. personal satisfaction predicament. This is an arguement in which both sides are played by your heart. The dark side and the light side. It really doesn't even involve your head. Let the two sides fight it out, but DO be careful and spare your own feelings for your future. A regret is an aweful thing.. can never be taken back; you just have to live with it forever and ever.
She should know how much she has hurt you. Maybe you can have a heart to heart. Tell her that you feel you should help her but you're finding your heart full of anger and hurt and resentment and you need her to understand what she's done so that you can make your peace before she passes. Or not. Depends on what you decide to do.
Goodluck.
~Sy.
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