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Am I making a mistake in getting married?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (4 April 2011) 12 Answers - (Newest, 10 June 2011)
A female United States age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Ok so this is going to be a long question and I really need your help. You can be as blunt as you want because I just want to know the truth so thanks in advance. I'd like to know if I am making a big mistake in getting married to my fiance. We met through a mutual friend about 5 months ago after talking on the phone for an average of 6 hours a night for 2 months.

When we first met, he told me that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me but I didn't know how to feel. I enjoyed talking to him and we did have a lot in common but I was still skeptical about what to think about him. A little background on us. I'm 10 yrs younger than him and come from a very abusive background. I've been raped and sexaully abused and have very little trust in men. He's 37 yrs old and( according to him) has never been married and has no children (I still think this is strange but maybe I'm just being a witch).

Well after dating for 2 months he proposes to me and I say yes because I feel that we have a connection but I'm still not sure what it is. I don't know if my past abuse is keeping me from falling in love or if I just don't feel anything for him. He always tells me that he loves me but I'm not sure that is true. When he has a day off of work, he doesn't cook or clean the house and he doesn't even do anything for me even after I come in from work tired and exhausted. He just sits around and drinks and hangs out with his friend.

Well we are always getting into arguments and it seems that they are getting more and more frequent (maybe the stress of planning a wedding?) He drinks every single day. This is something I don't approve of. If I had known this fact I would never have agreed to date him. Even when we were talking on the phone he told me that he wasn't into drinking and partying anymore and that he wanted to stop drinking, I mean he's almost 40! (so I guess I knew he drank but I didn't know it was EVERY SINGLE DAY!)

What's worse is that when he drinks he gets mean, not violent per se but very mean. He even pushed me down hard enough for me to hit the floor and knock the wind out of me when I was trying to leave the condo we live in when he was drunk. What's worse it that I was trying to leave because he told me to give him back his ring and get my sh*t and get the f*ck out of his house! After he sobered up he says that he doesn't remember any of this and I'm not sure what to do. He puts on this front or maybe it's his personality when he's not drunk that he's such a great guy to my family and friends and his as well.

What worried me is that he says he doesn't like to talk about his past gfs but when I do get info out of him he says that all his gfs were crazy. How is it possible that every girl you date turns out to be crazy? Will I turn out to be "crazy" according to him to? Something about that seems strange. I'm starting to think that it was him who drove his past gfs crazy if they were ever crazy at all.

Even today he came home from work at 5 and then came to our place 2 hours later saying that he had been downstairs with our neighbor drinking for 2 hrs and he told me that he was going back downstairs to drink and smoke for another 2 hrs. That's a total of 4 hours of drinking that he's going to be doing and he does this EVERY DAY!

When I told him how I felt about his drinking he got mad at me. I think he's an alcoholic and I know I have issues with it because my grandad was an alcoholic and the guy who raped me (my ex boyfriend) was drunk. Maybe I'm the problem in that I keep getting into relationships with guys who drink but I really thought that my fiance didn't want to do this anymore and that's the only reason why I gave him a chance.

What's more is that my fiance has a temper, a really bad temper. He likes to start problems with people and even pushed a girl who was arguing with him over a parking space (I admit she pushed him first but he's a big guy 6 foot 1 and 200 lbs so i think he was right in defending himself but it did scare me to see him push that 5 foot 3 girl).

So my fiance drinks every single day and smokes and I even told him that the smell of alcohol and cigarettes make me sick (I have alcohol intolerance) and he gets mad at me for it and says that perfume has alcohol in it and that I smell bad and I'm stinky because I don't wear perfume. Everyone knows that perfume has isopropyl alcohol in it if any (it usually has esters rather than alcohol) and that drinking alcohol is ethanol but I didn't say anything to him because he would get mad.

He thinks that he is always right no matter what and he gets mad at anyone who disagrees with him. He's not violent so please don't think that I'm being abused but he does seem to have a lot of signs that he could become abusive. I don't want to get stuck in a relationship where I'm unhappy.

What's worse it that I worry about him when he drinks because he drives sometimes and he has an unknown undiagnosed condition that makes him feel like he's going to have a heart attack. I told him that what if its all the drinking thats doing this to him?

I'm just afraid that either I'll marry this guy and he'll start beating me or I'll marry him and he'll get himself killed in some alcohol related accident or brawl and I can't tell him this or he gets mad. Am I making a mistake in marrying this man?

Thanks for reading this if you've read it all through. I know it's long. Please be as honest as possible. Thank you for your time.

View related questions: alcoholic, drunk, fiance, smokes, violent, wedding

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A reader, anonymous, writes (10 June 2011):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for the input everyone. Yes my fiance is an alcoholic and he has agreed to get help. This happened after he had been drinking and we got into such a violent fight that he pushed me into a wall, bruising my leg and locking me out with nothing. I got so mad that I pleaded with him to open the door and when he did I punched him in the face, got a friend and moved all of my stuff out. We're still together and I hope that I'm making the right decision. Thanks so much for everything.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

Out of everything you have said the thing that really jumps out at me is that he considers all his previous girlfriends 'crazy'. Abusive men will often hide their own level of abuse by blaming others and making them all out to be mad - therefore distracting people from the real problem which is in fact him. Of course they were not all crazy - in fact they got away from him so could not all have been mad could they. I would bet your guy tells other people you are crazy - that would suit him. I think the cracks are showing and he sounds like the kind of man who could easily get arrested (for example pushing that woman). Is this really really the kind of man you want for yourself? Where is your self worth? I think you have to work on yourself and understand your reasons for trying to be with an abuser - there is something in trying to solve your own past and hurt by an abuser coming good again and being nice to you. Do you hope he will change? I promise you he will not he will get worse and worse the more control he has. In the meantime you are in for the worse time of your life. Please leave.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

Stop living with this guy and do not marry him. You are both looking for marriage to 'make it better'. I can tell you all you will feel is totally trapped and with only yourself to blame. When you are planning to get married you should feel nothing but absolute joy and excitement - this is not how it is for you. You want to justify your relationship and yet you know you cannot. Find the strength and let him deal with his problems and you deal with yours - separately.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

Sweetie,

Im very sorry to hear about this situation. This has red flags everywhere and as a mature adult I would say that this man shouldnt even be in your life at all. He is adding no benefit to your life only drama and extreme worrying. He has symptoms of an alcoholic as I myself used to be with one. The every day thing is a huge sign and also his anger when it is brought up, it signifies denial and triggers aggression. Im so glad you came forth beforehand here and asked for assistance. He is immature, sounds like he says a lot of words and no action, and doesnt have his priorities in order with life. You can find better definitely. In addition, I would seek counseling for your past as you may have some issues regarding that but from your post I dont see anything concrete. However, that doesnt mean nothing exists and I think you should find that out so you can be sure, especially if you hope to marry some day, that all those poor things you had to deal with are gone and out of your head so that you can have a fresh start to a new healthy, loving, and better relationship. Best on this :)

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (4 April 2011):

CindyCares agony aunt Are you making a mistake ? Of course. Anybody would make a mistake marrying a verabally and physically abusive ( yes, pushing you to the ground IS already abuse ) alcoholist. You even more with your personal , sensitive issues.

You are correct when you say you are the problem in that you keep getting involved with alcoholists. You keep getting involved with them not because you have an arrow sign on which says " Alcohoolists- this way ", but because you set blurry, unclear bounderies for yourself. You haven't chosen the traits that at no cost, for no reason whatsoever, you'll tolerate in a mate. Try determining that heck no, you'd rather be alone forever than admitting one more alcoholist into your life- and naturally you'll take the course of action which supports this decision. Like recognizing the obvious red flag in someone who says he wants " stop drinking ". That means that he is currently drinking, and that his drinking is a problem : moderate social drinkers ( the occasional glass of wine dining out ) don't want or need to stop drinking, why should they ?

It was very risky and naive getting engaged after 2 months of phone conversations. Two months is really not enough time, not even to have a general idea about the other person. And on the phone, as sadly you have seen, people can be all different that in everyday life.

Your best bet is to call off the wedding immediately.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

I agree. Trust your instincts and call off the wedding. You should be much more sure than this. I know, I went through with a bad marriage, and have regrets.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

RUN RUN RUN!!! This guy is really bad news.

1. He's an alcoholic, or at least well on his way there. Bad news in and of itself.

2. He's been verbally abusive and shows signs that he will become abusive (pushing you hard enough that you fell).

3. Anger management issues--Bad enough by itself, but when you combine it with alcoholism/abusiveness much, much worse.

4. He's nearly 40 and has never married, and all his past girlfriends were crazy. Not marrying at his age is not necessarily a problem--maybe he's just never met the right woman--but given his other issues it's another red flag. Saying that all his exes were crazy sounds like an excuse--he doesn't want to admit that all of them broke up with him.

In short--you can do so much better than this guy. Listen to your gut feeling and move on.

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A female reader, jonas Singapore +, writes (4 April 2011):

jonas agony auntI don't blame you because the time you got to know him before both of you were married probably was too short for you to detect anything about him and usually men showed their best side. Time will tell but provided you don't rush into any commitment. Of course it's the same case for gals too.

He has an alcoholic problem. I think the worst we have to agree is getting violent after drinking and the next day he can tell you he doesn't know what he said or did. Say you're pregnant, he could make you miscarriaged. He could also pushed you until you dislocate or break some ribs or bones.

Yes, it's really mean even if the gal was wrong over the parking lot, as a gentleman he should NEVER push her. That shows a few things aobut him. Firstly, if he can't get his message across, if he can't get his way, he will use violent without hesitation. And he can do that to a stranger without thinking about the consequences (that gal could sue her, what if she is pregnant or suffering from some condition?), he is someone who has a temper problem and the alcohol makes it worse.

No, it's not your fault about the rape or you ended up with a jerk previously who raped you when he's drunk and such a jerk who showed you his best side, only to find out his true colours after you married him.

Do you have support from your family or close friends? Preferably if they stay quite far away or someone whom he doesn't know? Then if you were to stay there, firstly he won't harass you and he won't harass your friends. I believe he would but you should leave him honestly.

No point trying to reason things out with him, he would get violent and do nasty things to you or act pitiful and beg you for forgiveness. But things will repeat so enough is enough.

Don't let him suspect anything. Find someone you can trust whom he doesn't know where she stays and move out one day when he's not around. Then contact a good lawyer. Everything just allow your lawyer to contact him without allowing him to know your whereabouts. If he gets nasty and violent, if he stalks you, apply for a protection order or something so that he is off bounds and he cannot harrass you. Not forgetting to get yourself a stable job to support yourself. If he knows where you are working, you have to find another job and quit your job because he will surely give you problems at work.

Remember do not soften your heart and give him another chance. It will repeat, the same vicious cycle and you will be in for more heartaches.

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A female reader, Anonymous 123 Italy + , writes (4 April 2011):

Anonymous 123 agony auntThere are danger signs blazing allover the place. DO NOT marry this guy. You don't need to darken an already charred past.

Show me one reason why this man is good for a lifetime of commitment. There will be none. Just kick him to the curb, have confidence in yourself, get out of that mess before he kills you with his insanity. The way this man has been going, there's no stopping him. Your ENTIRE life is stretched out in front of you, and instead of a promising, happy future that every girl looks forward to, you're already staring into a tunnel of horrors.

DONT EVER marry this guy. He's never going to change and even if he does, there's no reason why should should be around hoping when it *might* happen. Dont ruin your life. I cant say this enough...Run for the hills!!

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A male reader, honestman Mexico +, writes (4 April 2011):

Girl,

I need to be very honest with you. You don't want this guy as a husband.

There are guys out there that hate alcohol and smoking [Just as I do]. I don't drink nor smoke because I know they are unhealthy habits, and that alcohol it is very destructive in any family. [My mother is alcoholic, and I know what it feels to have some one not in their 5 senses].

Some alcoholics get very violent when drunk. I know them. I have seen them in action. Why do you think it is very common that fights start on a bar? Yeah, that is because of alcohol. You don't want to end up like one of those many beat down/abused house wives.

I know you can find a good man out there that does not drink, and you feel love and attraction towards him, you just need to keep looking.

Also, do you know that "he told me to give him back his ring and get my sh*t and get the f*ck out of his house!" is psychological abuse? Which is still, abuse. If your fiance verbally abused you when drunk [or not drunk], it is a RED FLAG that this guy might do harm not only to you, but also to your future kids.

Also, would you like to live with Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde?

You say he gets drunk every day. That means that you get to see Mr Hyde every day. When you get married, as the time passes, and kids and problems arise, Mr Hyde will be more present in your daily life. It is not a healthy environment for kids, and neither for you. Alcohol can get the worst part of your man (and any man).

What if you have a daughter, and although he is a good man while sober, when being like Mr Hyde he decides to rape your daughter? I think it is too much risk.

Honestly, it is your choice, and you decide who you want to spend the rest of your life with.

Just as an ending story. I have an uncle. He is also alcoholic. 100% of the times I've seen him, he is always drunk. He gets verbally abusive with almost anyone, and thinks he knows more than anyone in the world [while drunk]. His wife has been living a very unhappy life for about 33 years. I don't think she gets the affection, time, and cares a woman needs, since my uncle is always drunk and at bars with his drinking buddies. If you want to be like my uncle's wife, just go all the way through the altar.

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A male reader, sebaslookingforward Argentina +, writes (4 April 2011):

Honestly, as soon as I read you've only been together for 5 months, let me tell you NO! It is way too early, and if he said he loved you the first time you two met it sounds impossible, like a fairy tail or an uthopia, far away from the real world.

When I read about his problems about alcohol and smoking, and how he got mad about it, I am gonna say:

LEAVE HIM! RUN AWAY!!! He definitely sounds like trouble, you are not supposed to take care of his problems, you are young and healthy and let me tell you there are some men out there who are FANTASTIC

If you want to help him, leave him, and someday he will realize that he has to change himself because everyone leaves him. Just don't fall for the "I've changed" crap. Break up with him, I am sorry my girl. Good luck :) I bet you are nice and you deserve a better guy with values similar to yours.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2011):

I read all of your question looking for a reason why you're marrying him and I couldnt. Are you making a mistake? Yes, at best things will stay the same at worst they will get worse.

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