A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, we have more problems than this in our relationship and maybe it's doomed but I'd just like to get some outside perspective on this one issue. This has happened two or more times already, two times recently. One early evening he drove an hour to get me to go out to eat, and I was still showering. We had no required time to be anywhere. He got an attitude with me pretty much right away (over msging), I don't remember the exact things he said in the beginning, but it eventually got to him telling me that I was inconsiderate, he doesn't like having his time wasted, other criticisms I can't remember right now, maybe about me being selfish, etc. I told him I didn't like being talked to like that or feeling rushed. We ended up arguing and that made it take longer for me to finish getting ready, etc. I even pointed that out, and he thought I was saying I was doing it on purpose. (We have some big communication issues). We were still arguing even after I was ready to go. I eventually was so irritated that I wasn't in the mood to go out with him anymore and I told him to go back. Of course he was angry about that, but he was already angry anyway. He keeps referring to that time as me making him wait "3 hours", even though half or more of that was us arguing, and keeps saying "ask anybody, anybody would say that's rude, inconsiderate, etc". He says that about many things, "ask anybody [they would agree with me]", etc. I would NEVER act that way to someone if they were taking longer, etc, I'm pretty easygoing.The second time was Halloween evening. This time he didn't drive to me, it wasn't even certain we were going anywhere as I hadn't gotten enough sleep the night before, which he knew and agreed about. When I finished what I needed to do that day I started getting ready to go out (at 6) and let him know. He got an attitude with me again pretty much right away, saying that places to eat close at 10, etc. I kept getting ready to go and tried not to waste time arguing again. It was the same thing again though, him saying how inconsiderate I am, etc, he knew I'd do that again (like I planned it or something). To me the psychology of that is just crazy, telling somebody what they're going to do, waiting for someone to mess up and saying "I told you so", etc. I finished getting ready around 730, still time to go out. I didn't tell him I was done though, bc we were still arguing. I was irritated enough again though so told him to forget it. I told him that I would think going out with the person you want to go out with would be nice, no matter what it is, the point is to spend time with that person. He doesn't seem to get that.What is someone's take on this? Am I horribly inconsiderate? Am I right to send him back or cancel a night out because of him having an attitude with me? Any other advice? Thank you.
View related questions:
in the mood Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 November 2015):
 It's simple. If you and he talk about a time he's picking you up to go out, you should be ready by that time unless there's an emergency, in which case you call or text him that something came up. That's courtesy.
Let me put it to you another way. I assume that you work, right? If your shift starts at 8am, would you still be showering at 8am, or would you be reported for duty by then? If you're habitually late from your job, you get fired.
With your boyfriend, you should show even more respect to the one you love. It doesn't matter a BIT that you "had no required time" to be anywhere. If you and he agreed on a pickup time or a meet time, then that's a required time! Time is so much more valuable than money is because we can never get it back.
I know that's a culture thing, so you and he may be culturally incompatible. Some people see time as a rule, others a guideline. I understand your BF, because I'm a strict on-timer. My husband isn't so much so, but he's not at the same level you are. He's within the 30 minute "fashionably late" category, so I've had to compromise in some areas with him. Upbringing has a lot to do with time perception as well. My father was an absolute martinet when it came to time (he would require 5:15am wake-up calls when we were on VACATION!), and my mom sometimes clashed with him on it for the same reason you did, that she didn't want to be on a military schedule.
This incompatibility may be a dealbreaker for him, so be prepared, especially if it's driving him crazy now. You may need to find a guy who is more flexible and relaxed with his time schedule, and he may need to find another martinet like my father was (was/is your BF in the military?? That can sometimes be a side effect!).
However, you need to keep your word if you agree to a time to meet. He *is* worth recognizing and adhering to a time, and that also means YOU get to call that time as well, meaning if he's asking for a 7pm and you feel rushed, then you say "I don't want to be late, but that's too rushed for me. Let's make it 8pm". If he has an issue with that, then you need to take him to task for HIS selfishness in not recognizing that there are two people in the planning process, OR you can meet halfway at 7:30. That way, you give yourself time to shower, unwind, and get ready at your pace, and he's not waiting around twiddling his thumbs while you are in the shower.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 November 2015):
 My husband does this and it drives me CRAZY. IF we have an appointment at 6 I will tell him we need to be there at 5:45. I do this all the time. I have no choice otherwise we are late. He's still not figured it out thankfully.
You know how long it takes you to get ready to go out.... PLAN accordingly...
5 minutes is one thing to be late but to BE IN the shower when he gets there is downright wrong IMO.
He's having attitude with you but you are with him too.
YOU are late... a proper "You are right, I'm wrong and I am sorry" may go a long way the first time... repetitive lateness... I've ended friendships over it.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2015):
 Since you asked.... yes, it is inconsiderate. Just ask anybody :). Is it " terribly " inconsiderate ? That, I don't know, - to me "terrible " best pertains to deadly car crashes, earthquakes, etc., than to your predicament which surely did not justify a three hours row, - yet, I'd go for quite inconsiderate .Maybe even extremely inconsiderate , if it 's sort of an habit with you.
Now, your bf did not handle things in the best way ( more about that later ), so he is not blameless either, but from my personal point of view , I can't even begin to understand why a person who's waiting for her / his date , in view of possibly /probably going out together could not / would not let the date find her / him all ready, or at least in an advanced stage of preparation.
Like, why couldn't you at least shower BEFORE he got at yours , while he was on his way ? So, if you get to go out for the night, you are almost ready. And if you end up not going out, ... so what's the worst that can happen ? That you go to bed clean !- never such a bad thing, particularly if the night turns to be a sexy and steamy one.
And, what is he supposed to do in the 90 minutes that it takes you to get ready ? ( which ,allow me,is a lot of time, unless you have to wear a ballgown ,a crinoline and a tiara. Trust me on that; no scrub- faced girl next door here. I am Italian and like most Italian women, and ALL those from my generation , I never, ever go anywhere without full makeup on).
If we were in the 18th century, and you were Queen Marie Antoinette, then your courtesans would be thrilled and honoured being invited to sit on their hands while you take two hours to beautify yourself- it would be a great distinction. But as of now, it's a drag and an imposition. Yes , of course he can read, watch TV , fiddle with his smartphone, or whatnot. But the point is that he could be doing that at his home, in more ease and comfort , if he so had wanted to do. He has chosen to come and pick you up and go out with you or maybe even stay in, but anyway to enjoy your company. Not to watch your bathroom's door while you are shaving your legs.
I guess all this could be resolved with a bit of compromise , a bit of flexibility on both sides , and a bit of common sense. Like, when is getting into his car, he texts you so you know you've got about one hour to at least get ahead with the preparations and can leave just the finishing touches for when he's there.
This is one suggestion but I am sure you could come up with your own to get yourselves organized , in a way that feels comfortable and feasible for you too, of course , so that you don't have to keep him waiting like a dummy.
And I agree that hectoring you into puntuality won't work, he is not dealing with this issue with much finesse
and so far he just made you bristle, become defensive , and... turn the waiting time into 180 minutes. But,obviously, if you think that being "laidback " is a free pass to abuse of other people's time and forget about their convenience and your manners, then after all there IS an issue...
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (9 November 2015):
 Being late is a pet peeve of mine. I can't stand it. There is the "fashionably 30 min." late, which I can abide by, but other than that? If someone is invited to an event or a home-cooked meal, I think it's very very rude to show up late. Being on time (for most of us, is not that hard at all) Most people can do it for work, or they lose their job, so why can't they do it in interpersonal relationships?
One thing is saying:" let's go out and eat Friday, I'm not sure when I can pick you up but let's say 7ish." So the person who is being picked up should be READY to go by 7 pm. Not start to get ready by 7 pm. Of course if you got home at 6:45 pm it may not be realistic, so the usage of texting would be smart, saying:" hey, I just got home and it will take me an hour to get ready, so pick me up around 8 pm ?" That way whomever is picking you up doesn't have to SIT around and wait for you to get ready, and you won't have to feel rushed.
But if you sit around and WAIT for him to come pick you up to decide to shower and get ready, I understand his annoyance, to be frank. Specially if you have been home a while and KNEW he was taking you out.
If there are no specific plan to GO out at a certain hour, then I don't see how you could have been ready at the snap of his fingers. (the like Halloween thing you mentioned).
However having a 3 hours argument over whether or not you are inconsiderate is ridiculous of BOTH of you.
My aunt was ALWAYS ALWAYS late for anything family related. ALWAYS. At Christmas she would show up at 7-8 pm (dinner was at 6 pm) and then still having to wrap presents, and making whatever cooked item she was bringing. Which meant dinner didn't get started til 9 pm. And some things had gone cold, other gone dry. And then of course by the time the whole family was done eating us kids were knackered and really done with Christmas. We would hurry the opening of presents, skip the singing and reading, which has always been a huge family tradition. All in all, SHE ruined Christmas quite often for EVERY ONE. I even remember one year (I might have been 6) where after the dinner I was so tired I just curled up in one of the dog's basket and went to sleep. Not caring about the presents.
So my mom and grandmother came up with a plan. Invite her to show up 4:30 pm and she would be there by 6pm - and to not ask her to cook anything - and dinner was moved till 6:30 (giving her 30 min to wrap presents) and it worked.
She once even missed to plane to Greece (whole family went) and the poor airline had to jostle to get her AND the kids on the next one. So again, she was told to show up 3 hours early the next family vacation (this was before the crazy security we have today).
I don't remember throughout my childhood her EVER being on time, even to a couple of funerals and one wedding. She was always late, even with all the tricks the other adults tried to pull.
She was NEVER late for work and DID have odd hours (midwife) but she just never bothered to be on time with family and friends. And while I will always love the lady, it taught me that being late is not considerate and never fashionable.
So while you BOTH are in the wrong and BOTH in the right - why not find a middle ground that WORKS for your both?
Such as YOU will be ready for pick up if there is a PLAN - like he has reservations or saying I can be at your house at 6pm, then you will be READY at 6 pm.
And if there are no real plan, then you go by ear.
I can shower and get ready in 30 minutes, but I don't do a whole lot of make up or hair stuff - I have a niece who takes 2 hours to get ready for work and 3 hours to get ready to go out... And I'm both fascinated and disgusted lol because 3 hours? Seriously? She is a pretty girl as it is, so really I don't know WHAT takes 3 hours.
TALK to him about it. Not over text but in person. FIND a compromise that WORKS for you both. There are two of you in the relationship and he is NOT the only one to make up the rules. Neither are you.
Be considerate of each other. And find a way to not argue over dumb stuff for 3+ hours.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2015): This sounds very immature.
Thought you guys were a different age range!
Easy:
Set time to be collected & BE READY
Don't send him all the way back but he also needs an attitude adjustment
People in love dont behave like this
They are eager to be together and overcome these kind of simpler issues with communication, courtesy and consideration for others
...............................
|
