A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am 34 and my hubby is 30. We have been married for two years. I told him my age just when we met, and he hid his till about a year and half into the relationship. I never bothered much cos I thought he could be just a few months to a year older, which was fine. I was shocked when I learnt he was that young. He looks ‘my size though, phyisically’ and he is mature, so I thought better a mature young person than an old fool. Apart from age, he is also less educated than me and has what I would call an embarrassing job. Am a lawyer and he has a diploma. His education has never really bothered me, cos he is very intelligent, well abreast with issues, and can understand issues and hold intellectual conversations with anyone about almost anything, even some legal issues. He likes learning new things. The job though embarrassing can afford an average lifestyle. He is hard working, and has managed to build two houses with that income. He is a good planner. He has also helped me make better use of my money and we have built a nice family house which we live in(with my cash) which I could not have managed on my own despite having the money cos am quite bad with spending. I have also managed, with his help to build a flat for my old parents. Me earning about thrice his income, I only leave him to take care of basic bills like water, power, and part of the groceries. We own a car, which I bought with my money. We alternate buying fuel. He also buys me clothes, all clothes I have were bought by him (he has good taste). I am not demanding of him for luxuries cos that would be too much financial pressure, considering his income. So now, the issue is, there is a girl who had been a friend of his, but overly in love with him. She was disappointed that he did not ask her to date her or be married to her. Shz much younger than me. Am not sure the kind of relationship they have had, but once, when I saw that she was getting too close, I told her I was not comfortable with her calls. Her response was my husband tells her he does not love me, and only interested in my money. She says he only married me cos he wanted some comfortable life where he di d not need to toil so much cos I could afford to care for myself and even give him money (I never give him any and he would never ask cos of his manly pride). I mentioned this to hubby, and felt really hurt with that. Looking at all the positives about our marriage, I ignored that. The girl was out of the scene for about a year. Then again she reappeared. This time hubby without my knowledge would get my car (our car), pick her up, go have fun and drop her off. I later learnt that she was conversing with hubby, telling him how much she loathed me and that if ever I called her, she would tell me off. (hubby seemed not to be offended that she talked bad about me). When I discovered their affair, I confronted her. She again told me the same things, like I am not loved, am just being used and shez the one that is loved. When I told hubby, hubby denied ever telling her that. He surprisingly, after she insulted me, went behind my back and started more like tolerating her and entertaining her. I expected him to be more respectful by giving her a big warning and cutting her off. This only stopped after I brought it to the attention of his relatives, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened again.Now I have doubt about his love for me. Does he really love me or is interested in the comfort and ‘no financial pressure’ lifestyle I offer. Could the girl have been saying that just to get at me? if hubby really respects our marriage, shouldn’t he have been very upset with her for not only letting of their dirty little secret, but insulting me? she was giving him ultimatum, like ‘YOU WANT ME OR YOUR WIFE? Kind of a thing, after the affair was exposed and she had insulted me. He of course chose me, after it got all messy and relatives were involved. Am I being stupid and used to let him drive my car and live in my house (his houses are on rent, smaller and less comfortable and not spacious outside). Am really hurt. I don’t see him using me, but perhaps because am so much in love and cant be objective. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much. from what you have said, i see he is not taking advantage of me financially, and that apart from the encounter with the girl, there is nothing else to worry about. probably the girl only said that cos she knew that would really upset me. hubby has been apologising and making promises never ever to contact her and that he never said what she told me, but it was hard to believe. i will work had to move past the betrayal and mend the marriage, hoping he is being sincere with his apologies.
A
female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Hi
I don't see how he is using you, he works hard, helps in alot of ways is clever with his/your money building property etc. Thats an investment. The age difference is nothing at all.
I think the girl is a minx and a troublemaker.
There is alot of 'his' and 'mine' in your post though, it should all be 'ours'.Your married.This would be annoying to me.Perhaps you two need a real heart to heart, clear the air see what led him to stray.Listen to him and only him.Put your own doubts across too.
THEN put your 'lawyer' hat on if you still doubt him,his love and loyalty,look out for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe says there were not sexual, but had been kissing and the like. not sure he would admit even if they were sexual.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (19 September 2012):
 Honey FOUR years is nothing at your age. When I was 34 my fiancé would have been 21…
Secondly, if he has stopped all contact with her it’s clear she was trying to make trouble
I make 25% more than my fiancé and we have OUR home and OUR money not my money or his money… everything is pooled and shared.
Why are you letting the words of some jealous woman upset you.
The only concern is that hubby was seeing her behind your back for fun… were they sexual?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): It was very interesting reading your post and I m looking forward to answer it.You touched a lot of issues. First, age difference. 4 years is not that much at all. As you said he is very mature and likes to learn, so this issue can be disregarded. My husband is 7 years older than me, and we were married since I was 19, from day one I understood I'm dealing with a big baby:). Second, you obviously both benefit from being together. Marriage as we all know is not only about romantic love and wonderful sex, major part of it is a union between two people for support, building life together, raising children.He is good with finances, you are bad, so you are here benefiting greatly from being with him. You live in a house that was built with you money, but you could never do it without hi, also your parents house, it all shows how much you benefit from being with him.Now, the part that he lives there very little Investing in household.As I understood you don't put your money in a big jar and not freely use it. So it's your money and his money. That's fine, lots of households adapt this system. In a situation like that people sit down with each other and calculate all their assets, see how much income each of you have and split all expences accordingly. Seems though that you don't mind paying for a house while he takes care of other bills. It also would never bother you if that other girl didn't say what she said, and your husbands respond to that. Part where she says he only lives with you because he is comfortable with you wouldn't alert me that much. Would I live with my husband if he didn't provide comfortable life for me, I really don't know! If I was to look for a husband, I would deffinitely not overlook his financial situation as it is very important part of life. I wouldn't marry a guy based only on that, but I wouldn't also marry a guy who I had romantic feelings for but saw that his finances are not in order to provide for a family.We choose our mates based on many factors. I really don't think that your husband picked you just for financial purposes only. He might consider it for choosing his mate, but I m pretty sure that it wasn't his only criteriA.He buys clothes for you, he takes care of your well being by investing his time helping making right choices with big investments. You are a family!With all that said, your husband behavour toward that girl is highly inappropriate. Not only he goes behind your back knowing that you would never approve of him taking your car to drive to the girl, he also goes on a date with her. Married people don't go on dates!! I would suspect him of cheAting tell you the truth. THAT would really upset me!If I were you I wouldn't bother myself of contacting that girl ever. All conversations about that you needed to have just with your husband. He is the one that let's this whole thing happen.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2012): You seem like a very nice person. I would talk to your husband and tell him that he needs to quit seeing her. If he sees her again I would kick him out ofthe house. Don't put blinders on and pretend everything is OK. Be strong and demand his respect.
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