A
male
age
51-59,
*ichierich65
writes:This is my first time using this and this very complicated, so here goes. I will try and shorten my story up for readability. I really need some solid advice for this group because I feel like I am dying a little every day:Please don't disregard this as romantic crap: I met who know as my "one" or soulmate late. This was after I was married for a year and realized this woman was truly the one I should have been with. I knew somewhere in my gut that I had made a mistake by marrying someone that would be acceptable to everyone else in my life. As fate would have it, she knew it, too, but thought I was somehow 'out of reach' and got engaged and married to someone else. She has often said that she wished I stopped her from getting engaged and told her my real feelings and she would have been with me. This all started 13 years ago.She and I have carried on all these years, finding ways of maintaining a relationship. Our love has grown tremendously. To use a line from a film, "This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime". We have always agreed that describes it. As it turns out, her husband was a poor choice as he is highly verbally abusive to her and a number of unsavory things. We always felt we were trying to course correct to each other. Where she has children (as I do) regardless of our situations, she wanted to wait and have her littlest one graduate and be out of the house. This would essentially mean waiting 12 years for this. As she would say, it may be even shorter.For me, I have realized that divorce is my real option right now. Eliminate the strife and issues (by the way, we have been to councilling for months-the therapist has said these issues I have in my marriage are seperate of my other issues here). I have been seperated for 4 months now.In the meantime, my "one" and I had a scare about 7 weeks ago. Her husband found an email between her and friend that referred to me in a veiled way. It scared the hell out of her. Since then, she had told him it was me, which he does not suspect me or her of anything, but she has remained very distant to me since. During this time, she has had several things happen: she had to close her business and return to a job that seems fairly menial to her as it was a job she did while a late teen. So there has been a lot of traumatic issues that has happened to her. And yet she claims that she has not reconciled whith her husband as he continues to treat her poorly. She says she is sleeping on a matress on the floor in her kids room... at least that's what she says.But, where we used to call each other every day and text each other till bedtime, that has completely fallen off. This is despite everything I could do to reach her. When I do hear from her, I get "I am not sure", "I don't know how to respond to you", when the day before this all went dwon, you would swear that this woman would do anything for me. Called me "her best friend-the one she wants to grow old with, her whole world". Then, I get "I can't lie", and "yes, i was sure about you, but now I am not so sure with all this..." I can tell you she can get very confused when there is a lot of turmoil around her-seen it before.We did get face time, finally, last weekend. Though the conversation was sort of up and down, she did say before she left that "we'll find some way to make this work, ok?". I said that I agreed and promised. She told me she loved me and shook her her yes when I asked if she will do this. Well, I promised her I would email her each day, which I have done since we talked on Sunday. Since, not one response or acknowledgement of any of them. I get an occassional text from her when I text first but I still sense hesistancy. What made me angry is that i saw her FB page and she posted this test to her friends asking for feedback at 1am this morning. I don't care what she does on FB, but my thought is that if she has time to post on FB at 1am in the morning, I am sure she has time to write me an email or at least let me know that she has been getting my emails, etc.I tried calling her today (I was in her hometown today-she knew that-but never reached out to me) and only got her VM. I told her that we need to meet face to face if she was serious about "making this work" and called her out on the FB post and asked her why she could not contact me. basically to let her know I am not happy with this.Advice I am getting?: stop the daily email you promised, no texts and no calls. You left your message and let it sit with her. her move. What does the group think of this??Look, I don't want to lose her. I have beleived she is really "the one" all this time and don't want to do something stupid to lose her. But, I don't think I should put up with this no repsonse BS, either.Things were great and moving in what I thought was great direction until the incident 7 weeks ago.What do you think I should do?
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female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (14 September 2010):
 Honestly, get a divorce now. You ALREADY left the marriage a long time ago. You are involved emotionally in another women then your wife, THAT Sir, is cheating and NOT fair on your wife.
If your "soul mate" wants to be with you she will leave her husband too and you two can ride off into the sunset. Right not you are both stringing along your spouses for a "fantasy" relationship that is build on imaginative situations and what if's..
SHIT or get off the pot.
A
female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (14 September 2010):
You will lose nothing by telling her that you have decided to give her the space to think things through. She was obviously very alarmed to be discovered by her husband and perhaps that happening has made her think about what she could lose. Not him necessarily but the life she has built around herself.
By chasing her up you could be adding to the fear - she may wonder if you would go so far as to tell her husband if you can keep pushing and contacting her. If I were you I would message her to say she is obviously terrified, you may have made things worse, you are sorry and love her dearly but intend to leave her alone for a few weeks. After that you can both decide whether you want to rekindle your relationship.
She will be grateful for the respite, respect your self-control. Whatever happens you risk nothing. You won't lose her because you do this. If she does decide to part she was going to any way. But you may just help her get back some peace with my suggested approach and it might just make her feel secure enough to stay in contact in one form or another. The long term will have to wait.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Seeing as your 41-50 you're going to wait another 12 years so you can have her when you're a senior? That will be a total of 36 years you have waited for this woman, sorry but that is entirely too long and your life is halfway over. I see you're married and with children, why did you get married to your wife, if you've been in love with this one woman?
If she wanted to be with you, why didn't she break off her engagement? A man can't stop a woman from getting engaged, she would still have to make that decision not to go through with it..because of her doubts. Both of you are married and having an ongoing affair with each other. Then why get married and have children? You do know in affairs that the one who is married almost never leave their marriage and the life they have. However, you are deciding to leave yours due to the fact it has failed, maybe you should ask yourself why it failed? Truthfully, she has accepted this ongoing affair for 13 years and is comfortable with where it is so why change it in 12 years? If she didn't opt out when she was engaged(the easiest time to opt out) what makes you think she's going to leave her life in 12 years? There's no telling you, you really are wasting your time here...So you're going to accept it how it is, she has no obligation to you, so technically she doesn't have to respond to your emails, or calls, and can respond at her leisure if she chooses to. Bid your time for another 12 years.
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