A
female
age
41-50,
*emmefatale123
writes:My story is a little long, but I will try to be succinct as possible.I started dating a guy in January 2012. He is 61 now, and I am 39. He has been divorced for 15 years (his wife cheated on him and married the guy a year later right after they divorced), and he hasn't really dated anyone seriously. I was married for 16 years, separated for about 3 (until my husband turned 65 and I could take him off my insurance) and divorced now for about 3 months. My boyfriend has 3 adult children from a first marriage: a son who is 30, a daughter who is 27, and a son who is 24, who attends college 2 hours away and has an apartment there but still lives with him some. I have met all of them and get along with them well. I have no biological children.Things have been pretty good between us. We spend every weekend together. He did break up with me in August, but he wanted to get back together in November. He told me he had freaked out. He said I was "beautiful and intelligent and perfect" and it all "seemed too good to be true." He said the age difference didn't have anything to do with it, but I think it may have. He said he was afraid I thought of him as just a "fling," although I had seen him for 6 months. As I said, I was going through a divorce from a man from whom I had been separated for a few years. When we got back together, though, it was his idea. He pursued me. He told me he had thought about me every day while we were apart, and he thought, "this woman has taken part of my soul." He said he wanted to be in an exclusive relationship with me and hadn't felt that way about anyone else.The holidays have put some stress upon our "relationship," however. After we spent last weekend together, he told me he didn't want me to spend the night while his daughter (who is 27) was there because it was "awkward" and he hadn't figured out how to "handle it," plus they like to do stuff alone together. I have, by the way, spent the night when one or both of his sons were there and he had no problem with that. He said when he went to visit her (she lives about 750 miles from him), her boyfriend didn't spend the night with her. So I accommodated him. He did ask me to go to a Christmas Eve service with them Monday night, a movie Tuesday night on Christmas night, and out to eat with them Wednesday night on the night after Christmas. Yesterday, though, (Thursday) I didn't hear from him all day until I texted him about 4 p.m. and asked him how his day went. He said, "Pretty lazy. U?" I told him the same, but I kind of had the holiday blues since my brother and sister left. A little later I texted and asked if he wanted to get together and watch a movie, and he texted me an hour later, saying he was going to hang out with his daughter after she got back from dinner a little later, since that was the only time they had together. She's been here for 4 days, though! However, again, I respected that, even though I really wanted to have someone special with whom to do something.Tonight, he's invited me to dinner at his house. His oldest son dabbles in gourmet cooking, and his parents, who are in the 80s and seem to like me, will be there. I have a gift for them, and I had already agreed to go, but I sent him a text earlier, saying that the weather forecast isn't looking great (maybe some ice) and I might be tempted to drink too much wine and don't want to drive home on potentially icy roads. He texted back, "I understand." I called a little later, saying I might drop off his parents' gift but hadn't decided on staying for dinner, especially since he probably didn't want me to stay the night. He said, "Yeah, that wouldn't be a good idea tonight." We usually spend Friday and Saturday nights together. So I could come and drink wine and eat dinner, and then even if the roads were icy, I'd have to drive 15 miles to my home? He did call me back a little while ago and say that I could spend the night in his daughter's room, since she usually sleeps on the couch.I don't get it. I love this guy, but even though he invited me to some things during the holidays, I have felt excluded to some extent. He said he had to build his schedule around them for the week. (I am a teacher and have the whole two weeks off.) He told me that he does focus a lot on his children, and he thinks that might have been detrimental to his first marriage with the mother of the children, probably even led to its "demise." I know he still caters to them. His oldest (who is 30) recently wrecked the automobile he had bought for him, and he was trying to figure out how to handle that, whether to buy him a new one or not. His daughter (27) is the most responsible child, and has a job as a teacher, but she is working on a master's degree, and he is paying her tuition. His youngest, who is 24 is in college and plays in a band, but he gets all of his support from his father. He contributes nothing really.I guess my fear is in where the relationship is going. Don't get me wrong: I just got out of a divorce a few months ago and don't want to get married again in the next month or two. But I might want to eventually--or to live with someone I love. And I don't know if that's an option here. I'm afraid to ask, too. I want to be in a relationship, not just "date" someone. It's hard to do that when there's sporadic communication. (He texts me mostly, and is pretty good about it--until he's "busy," during which time I sometimes I don't get a text until later in the day.) I want someone who wants to be with me--as more than a "weekend girlfriend" or only when it's convenient for him and his schedule, someone I can rely on and talk to when I'm having a bad day. (I mainly only see him on weekends.) I want someone who "misses" me sometimes when we aren't together and who makes me feel special, someone who treats me as a priority and not an option.Am I being childish or immature or high maintenance? Is it wrong of me to feel this way? And please don't bash me. I've been married since I was 22, only recently divorced, and am kind of naive about relationships, I guess. I think one thing I feel is that even though he has introduced me to his adult children and made me part of their lives, he doesn't in some ways want them to think that he's moved on, especially when it comes to having me around and perhaps sharing the same bed with me--especially when it comes to his daughter. But, geez, she's 27 years old!
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (29 December 2012):
 Not at all. A man in his sixties who is serious usually moves fast in relationships. There is no time to waste. He gets a woman, then settles down before the woman leaves him for another. In your situation, this maybe his first age gap relationship so he has no faith in it. After a year of dating and nothing else happens means he is satisfied like that for the rest of his life. His ex wife cheated on him. I could see that she's much older than you. So the possibility of you cheating on him, or leaving him before that could happen, is higher. You have many more years, more opportunities, he doesn't. It doesn't even sound like there is much sex in this relationship.
It's true you stayed very long in your last relationship. He just doesn't want to risk another heart break. You may have a preference for older man in a long term relationship but for him while it's nice to date a younger woman, to marry them just doesn't seen right. In terms of sexual prowess he just can't keep up with you, at least that's what he thinks.
He came back to you because he's bargaining and testing how long you can stay being a weekend girlfriend. He is the way he is and the impression he gives off is that you can do whatever you want since he's keeping an arm's distance.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): so you have been in relationships with guys alot older than you? why not try to date guys closer to your age? i think that they will pay more attention to you, they wont have children closer to your age. it sounds to me like he feels a little insecure with the age gap, especially when he hangs with his daughter. perhaps he sees the age difference when he is with her and wanders how he would feel if she was with someone his age. just saying. try to date someone closer to your age. i dont think your acting immature, everyone wants to be doted on.
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