A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost half a year. Things are generally well, but I occasionally feel he doesn't love me as much as he says. We live quite a distance apart so have to be in touch mostly via text. He replies to them fairly well, but can be unresponsive to what I write sometimes which annoys me. Recently I have been unwell, and he only asks 'how are you?' and that's it. When I reply to it, and write about other stuff in the message, he either won't reply or give a dry answer. It's been going on ever since I have known him. The other time I was annoyed was when he applied for jobs, and I had to prompt him into telling me what he'd applied for, as I knew fairly well that it isn't something he wants to hide. I am the one who always asks questions, but in my mind, it's the guy who should 'chase the girl' so it makes me feel as he doesn't love me as much as he expresses. Am I being demanding or is he being uncaring, and doesn't love me as much as it appears? Please help, thank you.
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female
reader, Red591  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 I have fallen fictim to the text message relationship. Hate to tell you but text messsages are no judge of anything. If you want to connect, talk on the phone. Texts can be misunderstood, lost, received at a busy time and then simply forgotton about, and just plain boring after a while. Use a better medium to communicate and don't be too needy. It pushes people away and I don't want that to happen
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): it sounds like he's not really that interested in you or the relationship. it's hard to maintain a relationship without face-to-face time and being together in person.
also you said "He replies to them fairly well, but can be unresponsive to what I write sometimes which annoys me."
Give him a break, you yourself said he replies to your texts fairly well. It's unfair to not cut him any slack. He's allowed to have occasional days where he's too busy or tired or uninterested to apply to your multitude of texts.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (23 September 2011):
 Texting is not a relationship. It is a quick and easy shortcut to communication.
REAL communication takes place in voice, in tone, in the eyes, in the flesh., etc.
You might be reading too much or too little into his texts. I would say your expectations from a little screen on your phone are just too high.
A LDR may not be right for you, because you might need more imput and "relationship stimulus" on a regular basis that you just can not get from a screen and keyboard.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 September 2011):
 I think you have a more fundamental problem than his short, apparently grudging, text messages to you.
If the bulk of your relationship consists of you texting one another, um, well, is it really the kind of relationship you want? Texting is an efficient way to transmit precise information, but is a lousy way to deepen a relationship or truly get to know someone. You can't read body language or hear tone of voice. All you get is a few seconds of someone's fingers on a little keyboard, not much investment of energy or thought even.
If it's not working for you, and it sounds as though it isn't, I think you should address this, in person, or on a skype-type call, and talk about what you perceive as a lack of interest in your health and a reluctance to share details of his life with you. Don't say, "you make me feel..." say "I feel unhappy/disconnected/unappreciated..." (fill in your own words here) Obviously, don't try to have this conversation via text.
As far as 'chasing' you, well, aren't you already 'caught'? At a certain point, the relationship goes from the pursuit to the mutual building of a satisfying connection. Maybe he's there already, while you still want to be wooed? Be realistic about your expectations of that.
Remember than men and women communicate differently, one style is not better than another. Women tend to want context and details and get to the punchline at the end of the buildup. Men tend to want the important info right away, without all the extraneous details. There are lots of books out there on the differences in communication, you might want to read a couple of them for help in understanding his particular style.
Is this really a viable relationship, if you live so far apart? I mean, is it based on a fantasy of what could be or is it founded on some common goals and a shared vision of the future? It might be that he has a low investment of time and energy because he doesn't really perceive it as having a future. I'm just speculating here, of course.
You'll have to find a way to learn to communicate with him and adjust your expectations based on where you are in the courtship. Good luck with that!
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (23 September 2011):
 You are being a little too demanding here. Text messages are hardly the place for long answers - short, dry answers are the best you can really do. Email or phone conversations would be a better way to stay in touch if you want long exchanges, but even then, he might just be a taciturn man.
As for the jobs thing, it really can be demoralizing to have to list all the jobs you've applied for. Ask him instead if he's arranged any interviews, or if there are any jobs he's particularly hopeful about, rather than asking him to list all of them.
Once you've been dating for a few months, it really should stop being about the chase and should just be about relating to each other. If he isn't the type to ask a million questions, that's just how he is. It certainly doesn't mean he doesn't love you. People communicate love in different ways - some do it best through words, others through actions, others through gifts, still others through physical presence or contact. If you try to express love through a means that isn't optimized for you, or for the other person, some of the message gets lost even when the intent is there. Stop worrying about what "should" happen and start focusing on what he means, what he thinks and wants.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2011): Speaking as a male,he appears not to be seeing it as serious as you and I wouldnt rule out that he may have a real girlfriend nearer to him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 September 2011):
 He's being him. it's not about loving you, it's about his way of communicating. his style is different.
My boyfriend can talk on the phone or in person like crazy but he hates texting and emails...
can you guys talk on the phone?
how far apart are you? how often do you see each other?
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