A
female
age
41-50,
*56
writes:Hi, this is a long email so i can give background, sorry and thanks a lot for reading in advance:)Met this guy (26 yrs old), lets call him M, at a company workshop. We are from different depts so we didn't get to meet before that. He came to talk to me (i m 29), and got my number and MSN. I thought he was cute so I gave it to him. Immediately after, he followed up with msn msgs and sms-es. For the next 2-3 months, he would chat with me/ ask me out (5 to 6 times?): I rejected him cos' i ws attached. Then i broke up. 3 weeks after i broke up, M asked me out again. this time, he asked my other friends so it can be a group outing. I went out with him and found him attractive and very attentive. He sent me home, sms-ed me, asked me out the very same weekend, i was busy and rejected him. Finally, we fixed a date.I just ended a r/s and was upset, i had NEVER had a fling in 29 yrs, i was bored, i found him cute, i had some drinks, so I kissed him that night. After that, he stepped up his pursuit- asking me out, telling me he was surprised that i kissed him but that it was a pleasant surprise, he wanted to see me again, sms-ed/called me daily, bought me dinner when i worked late, got my favourite sweets/book etc. He asked if i would consider taking things seriously, i said no lets keep things casual cos i really wasn't ready.We embarked on a journey of dating and making out (we DID NOT sleep together). He kept up his pursuit, said stuff like he was attracted to me, liked me, wanted to know me better. This whole happy period lasted three weeks.By then, i had broken up for six weeks and while I wasn't ready to enter a r/s, i changed my mind. Thought that i would get to know him properly and not just keep it casual. I casually asked him: "hey, what if i one day get a real boyfriend?" Now, before this, he was always saying how he would get jealous if i date someone else. That night, he paused, and said he would be happy for me. Then I asked: how then can we continue? his reply: you can make all the rules.I freaked out. Cos from being so interested, now he seems to be thinking we should keep this casual. Two days later, i initiated the DREADED talk. Asked him where he thinks we will be heading and if he wants to try to make this more serious. His response in a nutshell: 1) he is attracted to me 2) he is keen to know me better 3) but let's stay good frens first cos we have only dated three weeks.Right after the talk, he still took the initiative to sms me. Then he got very busy with work (and i know this is the truth cos well we work in the same company). I freaked out even more (also partly cos i didn't quite know how to deal with a fling and i was emotionally vulnerable after break-up). The tables flipped and i started doing all the smsing/calling. He would ALWAYS reply/pick up my phone calls but somehow i could feel the interest wane. After one week of being the one initiating, i couldn't take it anymore (cos i have never been in this postition), I asked him again if he sees us being serious. His answer was: It is not impossible but his answer remains the same as last week. Also, he feels that everything is too fast, the order is wrong (ie we got too physical too quickly) and that he doesn't have strong enough feelings to make this exclusive. The worst: I took it well at first. Then later drunk-dialed him. When drunk: I said something like we should just have no-strings attached sex. He rejected me and said that this will only hurt me more.A day later, he msged me online to ask if i was ok. I just said yeah, i am..was very drunk that day. Have a good day. He said: yep, u too. That was our last conversation. I FINALLY woke up and realised i was acting ridiculously. It has been 3 weeks since we spoke. He hasn't blocked me on MSN so we see each other online but we do not speak.PLEASE don't scold/berate me. I know i sent mixed signals, i know i shouldn't have started the fling, i know i shouldn't have freaked out and gone after him, i know i have freaked him out with my drunk call. I also know he cannot possibly still be interested in me after this. BUT after the whole thing and how he handled the situation, i can't help feeling impressed and more attracted (i know the opposite is true for him), What i would like for us: to slowly put this aside, become friends (just friends) and get to know each other better. And from there, what will be will be.I do feel that i would like him to know me as i am now (because when we first started, i was still reeling over from my break-up).I just want a chance to start off on a right footing. This whole not-even-talking stage is terrible.Meanwhile, i am keeping myself busy and trying not to think too much about this. Questions:a)we work in different depts so we won't bump into each other. How should I contact him again? Wait two, three months for both of us to recover? then just casually reach out online with a Hello, and see how he responds? Meanwhile, i should avoid all group outings with him? Any idea on how i can do this?b) Or should i not even bother cos he prob just doesn't want to ever hear from me again? Thank you!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (24 July 2010):
 I am really sorry but I think this relationship is over. He chased you because he likes the chase. Once you started talking about a serious relationship he ran away as he is not at a time in his life when he wants that. You should forget about him and just think of him as the man who was there while you got over the ex. It is fortunate you don't have to see him during work hours as it will help you to forget him. Delete his number on your phone so you don't have any more drunken moments of madness. Don't torture yourself about it. I don't think you have acted badly at all. You thought there was a potential for a new serious relationship and it wasn't what he wanted. If he is not prepared to go exclusive it makes him a player who will break your heart. You seem quite a strong minded girl who won't settle for bad behaviour. Don't settle for no-strings with him when there could be someone out there who gives you so much more. His attention is probably wandering onto someone else.
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