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age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Do you trust the good will of people you have a tainted history with? My experience is work related. I work in construction/development and I’m quitting a job I’ve had for about 3 years now, during which, I had to deal with a person at work who was a massive pain to me. She was a lady in the same profession as myself and of superior rank to me, though I didn’t work directly for her. She was a consultant for the developer I worked for.In the beginning, when we butted heads over differences she pulled rank all the time. She tended to be critical of my work and always copied my boss on her criticisms. Sometimes the criticism or the points she made were warranted, even if her delivery was blunt, but often the criticism were misplaced. I once got an email from her admonishing me for communicating with one of her teammates without copying her; her email ended with the statement, “I am the Senior Project Manager on this project”. Never mind the fact that she was mistaken and she couldn’t manage this person well enough so that they kept her in the loop... but that somehow had to be my fault. I don’t think I’m being too paranoid when I say this woman did not like me and looked for fault in most of what I did. The most personal question she ever asked me was “Where did you go to university?” I don’t think we were too far off in age. I’d guess upper thirties for her. I’m 33. But I got the sense she thought she was superior to me because she was married with children. My boss asked me a few months back to manage some of her feedback (RFI queue) where I had to critique her answers to contractor/builders questions. It became a battle of wills where she refused to change or address anything I said was a problem or a concern.I learned to deal with her attitude by being resulted oriented, if not a little impersonal. When I expected push back from her over an issue, I always asked her to tell us if she disagreed and why. Sometimes, the reasons were just lame and made her look pointlessly stubborn; sometimes they just made her look lazy. Working with her was stressful, made me feel like I wasn’t valued. I lost sleep working with this woman. It’s nothing I’ll miss. She resigned from the project management role a few weeks ago. My boss suggested it was because she found the role too stressful. And my last day is tomorrow. I recently got married to a man I love and I’m moving in with…he’s wonderful. I can’t say enough, how happy I am to have him. I’ve trained my replacement for the past month and let all my contacts know I’m leaving. I got the most civil email from her that I’ve ever received last Friday. Not a monosyllabic “no” or “yes”, but a very corporate, “I enjoyed working with you and good luck on all your endeavors.” Am I being spiteful when I react to that by giving my computer screen the finger? I’ll probably write and equally bland email back tomorrow because I don’t want to seem petty. just have no clue where this came from and perhaps I’m cynical, but I just don’t trust it or believe it’s sincere at all. I wondered if she might be having a change of opinion about me because I got married and now she thinks I’m somehow worthy of respect, which only pisses me off. Anyone know what this is?
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female
reader, Sensible Alice  +, writes (11 March 2014):
 She sent you a corporate, polite fair well. I really can't see anything in those words that denote friendliness. Reply with a thank you and don't give it another thought. You both had jobs to do and at times you butted heads. Now you're moving on and she isn't coming with you, Yay!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): You openly admit there was a 'battle of wills' going on.
A battle of wills is a situation in which there are two competing people or groups, and both sides are equally determined to get what they want.
May the best one win!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (10 March 2014):
 I agree, I rather people are honest and if they feel like I am not doing something right, I RATHER they come to me, instead of everyone trying to make me look and feel bad.
She could have NOT sent an e-mail, sh could have sent a snarky one but she send one that sounded like "let bygones be bygones" instead. Not acknowledging her anything of the past.
Maybe in the next job you can talk to the person (if anyone treats you in a way you don't appreciate) and work it out before years go by and bitterness and adversary kicks in. And who knows, maybe in HER next job she will think before being rude and/or unkind to others, you just never know.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers and thought. Especially Ciar, your answer gave me perspective. Her job was a difficult and stressful one and my role on the project didn't make it easier for her.
I had always planned to respond to her with something brief and polite. I was just thinking about it last night and realized I had put it off till my last day.
Why is it hard for me? I tend to value not so much sincerity of feeling, but honesty: When you're wrong, publicly admit you're wrong. When you've overstepped or you use the wrong tone, you apologize and acknowledge the thing you've done wrong. I've found with most everyone I worked with, this attitude got me far and we had better outcomes because they relax around you. Not with her. In retrospect I wish she had been more civil during the project instead of making gestures at the end of it. I guess that's where my bitterness is from.
I'll write something polite back this morning.
Off to do my last Monday. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (10 March 2014):
I have to agree with the ladies.
Don't send back a sugar coated reply or a arsenic laced one either. Just a nice and polite one.
I think there is always more to why she behaved the way she did, I don't think she felt superior because she was married with children actually quite the opposite. Not that it matters now.
I get flipping the screen the bird, I get that, but I would look at it with the whole, I'm leaving and leaving is a NICE manner. Just like she is saying goodbye and good luck in a NICE manner. Maybe it's not heart-felt, but it does take a "set" to do.
Then let it all go. You are leaving, she is leaving.
Chin up.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 Of course it's not sincere - your business relationship was strained, and whomever's fault was it, that was a source of aggravation for both and she has no more reasons to like you than viceversa.
But it's POLITE, you've got to hand it to her. It's what you are supposed to do, it's the proper thing when someone leaves a job, gets married etc. Call it hypocrisy if you want- call it diplomacy or manners - call it moral generosity . It does not really matter, at the end of the day it's simply a given that we can't , we shouldn't- and we should not want to- answer with a " Who cares ", or with a " F..k you b...h " in certain occasions like the one you just mentioned.
Here we hve a saying, " Ponti d'oro a chi fugge " which means , more or less : ( Make ) golden bridges for an enemy who is decamping . Her civilities do not HAVE to be warm or heartfelt, they have just to be appropriate to the occasion. In part it is also a way to say " No hard feelings, and best of luck from now on "- and, tbh, I don't fully grasp why you would have a problem with that.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 March 2014):
 I suspect the woman felt undermined or at the very least concerned that her standing was tenuous and her contributions not truly appreciated (by others, I mean, not necessarily you). And it appears there was just enough cause to validate her uncertainty.
She was excluded from the correspondence regarding a project that ultimately she was responsible for. If something goes wrong because she's been kept in the dark it's HER head that will roll. The people she answers to won't be interested in excuses.
Then your boss has you critique her answers to builder/contractor questions. She's a project manager yet a subordinate is critiquing her work. I think that would sting anyone. As an aside, you handled that assignment perfectly, by the way, in stark contrast to how she handled it, and she knows that which is yet another sting.
And those are the ones you know about.
I don't get the impression she had any ill will toward you personally, just that she probably felt undermined and lacked the skills to handle it more effectively. You're leaving so there is no point in her harbouring ill will, even if she had any. Whatever she thought of you, whatever you think she thought of you, her parting email wishing you well was a sign of class.
Giving your computer screen the finger, or at least the sentiments behind it are understandable but should remain your own guilty pleasure.
I have a feeling that if you could be the fly on the wall in this woman's life and you saw more of her own struggles you'd see her in a new light.
Big changes ahead of you and much to look forward to. Best of luck.
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