A
female
age
30-35,
*oungmum89
writes:I got pregnant at 15 to a man that was married, at the time I didn't know, when I found I finished it, well I had my baby when I was 16, father didn't want any contact whatsoever, well 6 years down the line I got a message of him trough facebook asking will he ever get to see him, his marriage has broken down he's now seeing someone new, I told him its not what I want, he then wrote to me and said well my son is not going to be very happy with me when years down the line if they do meet that I wouldn't let him have contact with him.its not my fault I gave him plenty of chances to see him but he would never turn up, so I just gave up. I done a pretty damn good job bringing up my son on my own, he's very happy and content with the way he's brought up, I think if I do let my son see this man it will mess him up a bit I don't want that to happen, I love my son very much, I don't no what the right thing is to do.all opinions are welcomed thank you
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female
reader, youngmum89 +, writes (2 May 2011):
youngmum89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question hey everyone thanks so much for your opinions, i think i'm going to wait until my son is old enough to make that decision for himself, i know that his father wont always be around as he's always in and out of prison, after i had my son i got a call from the police asking lots of questions because i was so young getting pregnant, i didnt tell them what they wanted to hear as didnt want him getting locked up and having to go through all that stuff in court, if he wants to take me to court he can try he'll just get outed as a dirty man. i really appreciate the time and effort you put into your answers.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2011): Give his dad a chance. Meet him, discuss things with a family member if possible (his side) ie his sister or mum. Take things slowly. If he really wants to start being a dad to your son I would not deny either of them that opportunity. Each situation is different. You are in control here. If you deny him a chance you may regret it later.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): What do you say to this guy to get him off your back? You tell him it's never going to happen, that he will have to wait until your son is old enough to make that decision on his own. You tell him if he wants to go to court and try and fight for rights against the 15 year old he illegally had sex with, while married before abandoning them both that he can, you'll be glad of the extra money he will be forced to pay on maintenance and he still won't have any rights to contact.
OP I have experience in the Irish legal system in these matters, lost of it, if he tries this it will ruin him financially and you'll get a very generous maintenance from him too and he still won't be allowed in your child's life. Even the best of circumstances the law always sides with the mother, in your circumstance he doesn't stand a a chance.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): This is actually a very easy question in my opinion.
Has he paid any child support at all OP, because if not then he won't stand a chance in court. It's as simple as that, even if he was to start now, he wouldn't stand a chance.
My father did the exact same thing as this guy and just had no interest in my upbringing or anything like that, but he did from time to time try to contact my mother and make very lame gestures at wanting contact. Like your kids father it was only an empty gesture, a selfish one so they could feel like father for five minutes, yet do no work at all raising their child, making no long term effort at all. Basically this guy wants to parade your kid around as a trophy to his new girl and play happy families while you have to do all the hard graft raising the kid, he gets to be the fun parent that's only around every now and again. Well fuck that OP. I didn't need that as a kid and yours doesn't either.
OP you have spent years giving your child love and a stable home, on your own. You can't let this asshole emotionally blackmail you into worming his way into your child's life, he will disrupt everything and ruin all you've built. He doesn't just get to suddenly have a guilty conscience and play father after all these years. Not when he's so unreliable, OP you cannot take the chance that this is some kind of phase, you can't take the risk that this guy will come back for a few months, bond with your kid only to let your kid down over and over again.
Above all you can't let a married man who statutory raped a 15 year old and made her pregnant then completely abandoned her and his own kid have anything to do with raising your child. Really how can you even consider letting a guy like that have anything to do with your child?
Now the main point he raised is the biggest load of horseshit in the world, he's trying to emotionally blackmail you OP. That kid is already going to hate him OP, nothing will ever change that, re-read the paragraph just before this and you'll see why. When your child is an adult what do you think he will feel towards a guy like that? I mean you're not going to raise him to behave like that or think that kind of thing is okay are you? So he will have nothing but contempt and if your child was an adult now he'd tell you that he wants nothing to do with that man.
I'm telling you as a child of the exact same circumstances that he won't. My mother made the exact same decision you should make when I was a child. Her decision was this, for as long she had to raise me he wasn't going to have anything to do with my life, she was going to protect me from him but when I reached adulthood she would give me all his details and I could go meet him man to man if I wanted. She decided when I was old enough I could make that choice myself. I'm glad she did that too OP.
I love her more that she did for me, than let him be a part of my life growing up. He's not a good man, he wouldn't have contributed anything good, I didn't need him in my life and if I'm honest I think I would have lost some respect for my mother if she didn't make such a stand against him.
In my view the choice is simple, this feels all wrong to you for a reason OP, you know exactly what this guy is like and how negatively he will effect your son to have him in his life. He gave up his rights as a father a long time ago, he passed the point of no return and now the decision of whether he should be a part of your sons life, can only be made by your son when he's old enough to make that decision for himself.
As Aunt Susie said he does have a right to get to know his father, but when his father is a guy like him, it has to be a choice made by your son when he is an adult. You cannot force this guy on him.
As for all that why is my father not around stuff, it's not as big a deal as aunt Susie makes out. We boys love and trust our mothers, they're the only person we need in our lives and when they say "he's just not" "Or I'll tell you when you're older" we're actually completely satisfied with that.
Do what's best for your son, raise him well, raise him alone, raise him to be a good, kindhearted and strong man, then tell him about his father and let him make his own decision on this. A married statutory rapist, cheater, who abandoned his only son and his 15 year old lover is not the kind of guy you want teaching your son how to be a man.
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male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (30 April 2011):
My opinion is this - he had sex with you when you were 15, and that makes him a sex offender. And in the spirit of your son's security, you might want to speak to someone about that before anything else. Your son might be displeased that he never knew his father - but he might be even more displeased and disturbed knowing his father had sex with an underage girl.
Two things
1 - Speak to a lawyer about this, get advice on where you stand. Explain EVERYTHING, from the age you were when you got pregnant, to the situation now. At the very least, the father had sex with you when you were a child, and I take it hasn't paid maintenance, and therefore owes you a lot of money.
2 - Speak to a child psychologist and discuss the issue of the sex offender father, the previous lack of contact and ask what the psychologist recommends.
I'm NOT saying ban him from seeing the child - I am saying get the advice from the law and a child psychologist before you make a decision.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 This is a very hard one to answer. I can definitely understand how you are feeling. But then I am thinking that your son has a right to get to know his father. He is only six now, and knows nothing else, but as he gets older he will question why his father isn't in his life, and wonder if maybe his father doesn't want to know him. Many boys suffer from lack of self esteem, regardless of the love from their wonderful mothers who have been raising them on their own. Think about your son, and what is best for him. Talk to your family, get as much advice as you can. Talk to your son's father, let him know all your concerns. Maybe there will be an arrangement made, where you will feel comfortable with your son seeing and getting to know his father. I know how hard it is for you, you are doing the best that you can. Best of luck to you. xxx
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 April 2011):
 I think you are the best judge of this. I think you should go with your gut instinct and do what you think is best for your son. I would also worry about the sincerity and consistency of the father. Perhaps you could continue contact with him through facebook and e-mail, perhaps show him pictures of his son, and give information about him like what he's like, and how his day has been. Then see how things progress and if the father looses interest or is persistent.
Take this slow at any rate, and do what you feel is right.
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