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female
age
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anonymous
writes:Twenty-five years ago, I fell in love with a Turkish man, and he with me I believe. He was very kind and very protective of me. After 3-4 months, he took me to meet his entire family in two different cities. And he asked me to marry him. I had been married before and I panicked and left him, with only a letter of explanation. Later I regretted what I had done, but I could not find him. About 4 years ago, I found him on the Internet. We wrote back and forth a little, and this year I decided to go to Turkey. I let him know I was going to be there and asked him if he would like to get together. He said "yes." He is married but has been separated from his wife for 4 years; she and his son live in a different country. I was so happy to see him; I told him that I had always loved him and still did. At first he seemed shocked, then angry, and finally happy. We decided that in about 18 months I would go to Turkey and we would buy a flat together. I would send money for my share of the flat, and we would share expenses. Then he started talking about an investment; he had several shares in the investment--which was coming due and paid a very good interest rate--but he could not afford to keep them all. He seemed quite determined for me to buy a share--I do not have a lot of money and he knows I worry about this. He seemed to think he was doing a very good thing for me by getting me this investment. I was rather hesitant, but finally said okay. Since there deadline for buying the share before anyone else had access to it, he put his own money back in it, and asked me to reimburse him for it. Then I became worried about investing $25,000 in an investment I didn't know much about. Finally, I did not send the money. He says he is not angry, but he sounds very angry. I don't know what to do. I initiated everything, including the idea of buying a flat together, but he initiated the idea of putting some of money in this investment for a year so I would get a good return and could use the money for my share of the apartment in a year or so. Now, I am very confused. If he did buy the share to help me, I should send the money, but I feel a little bit scared about it. I feel that years ago he was very sincere, but now I'm not sure. He was coming to visit me for a month, but says he can't now because he has to work longer into the winter (he owns seasonal businesses). I've never been happier than when I was with him again and the thought of living with him in Istanbul makes me positively joyful. But I am not certain that he is sincere. I'm confused. Does anyone have any advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010): I'm sorry, but I agree with those who say he's probably trying to scam you. Twenty-five years is a long, long time. The truth is, you don't know each other now and you have no idea what kind of man he became during the years you were apart. Why not get to know each other again and develop your relationship before you talk about exchanging money or moving in together? If you two are truly still in love with each other, and your love has lasted twenty-five years, then there's no reason to rush now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2010): This guy is just trying to use u , this is a con , don't give him no money
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat a lovely and understanding letter from mrvhappy. What do I want from this relationship? I just want to be with him quite honestly. Life is short and growing shorter by the day. I want to spend as many of my remaining days as I can with him. We had a unique relationship--one I've never found with another man. I regret all the time we lost. No, he isn't after a foreign passport; of that I'm sure. He could go live in Spain if he wanted--but he doesn't. And he has several thriving businesses in Turkey which require his attention--and actually he agrees with me that the US is already in bad shape and is still declining. Economically, Turkey is booming; I was astonished by all the positive changes in Turkey the last time I was there. He has a very realistic view of the US and its problems; neither of us wants to live there.
No, he is not as angry as I imagined. He said he could understand why I would be nervous about the investment. But the plan was that he would start looking around for a flat. I plan to work till about the end of next year and then move to Turkey. In the meantime he is coming to spend a month with me before the end of this year, and I hope to spend about that long in Turkey in the spring. It's strange, but when I was with him this summer, I felt more relaxed than I have in years. I didn't mention it, but last weekend on the phone, he said when he lay down next to me to sleep(no we didn't . . . .),he slept better than he had in a decade. I don't know what accounts for this type of thing after so many years. I do know that slowly over the years, I have come to believe that unhappy marriages should not be sustained if no children or only fully grown children are involved. His wife left him; she moved back to Spain; clearly she no longer wants to be his wife. He has given her a lovely house in Spain, and supports her and their 17-year-old son handsomely (she doesn't even work part time.)I do not feel at all sorry this woman--if she wants her marriage, she should tend to it. He is alone in Turkey working himself
to death. I'm not saying anything, but while I admire his love and dedication to his son, I hope after his son is finished with college and is independent, his wife who is not yet 40, gets her walking papers.
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reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (9 October 2010):
Hi,
I can understand where you are coming from re the 25 yrs. I know what its like to love someone from afar.
My 1st love has tracked me down after 30 yrs even though she is married with kids...I am single... but thats a story.
that I have posted on here.
Unfortunately the love & chemistry is STILL there but I cant do anything about it unless she becomes single.
One thing that I dont understand in yr situation. What do you want from this relationship with him?. I mean he is a married man ( ok separated) and sounds like a bit of a player (from what you have said) ...anything to attract a foreign woman..is that his passport out?
If you and he did marry, woould you not be wondering how long before he strayed?...I guess @ yr age you just wanna settle down & be able to trust yr partner..do you think you could EVER trust him?
I know that this sounds a but callous, but If you and he did get together, and things went wrong, pls make sure that you can get out at least finanacially with the min cost. I fear that the emotional price will be horrendous.
Good luck in what ever you decide to do
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Natasha,
Several reasons we did not marry at the time.Primarily, we didn't marry because while I was out of the country for a few weeks, he had an affair with a Swiss woman. I found one of her love notes "ti amo tanto" if I recall correctly in our house when I came back to Turkey. When I went to Istanbul, I learned from his sister that he had actually gone to Switzerland with the Swiss woman. I loved him deeply and he had always seemed faithful. His blatant infidelity so close to our marriage just devastated me. Even today, if I think about it, I feel pain.
So much time passed, because we were both moving around and thought it was over anyway. He almost immediately left the town we'd been living in and moved to Istanbul. I called his job and they told me he'd gone to Istanbul. I had his sister's work number, but she'd left for another position. He had a number for me, but got quite put out when he'd call and a man would answer--I had decided to stay with my brother-in-laws family and their three sons and even then I was out in California for a while. Just a whole series of
mix-ups, messages that weren't delivered when they should have been, and so forth. Fifteen years ago I actually wrote to an address I belatedly realized I had--his Aunt and Uncle'd address. I asked them to please see that he got my letter. As it happened, this was about the time he was finally marrying. His Aunt and Uncle decided not to give him the letter at this time, which they had no right to do, but it was a very Turkish decision, that they knew better than one of their relatives did. By some miracle, I decided to google him one day at work about 4-5 years ago. E-mail contact and phone calls followed, leading up to my trip to see him last summer.
As for our plans, at this point I was to move to Turkey in a bit over a year. We were going to buy a flat together
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reader, natasia +, writes (7 October 2010):
 I don't doubt love being able to last forever and a day ... I just think perhaps you gave snippets of information, and not the full picture. I don't totally understand why you didn't marry in the first place, or why you waited so long to contact him again, or why you did contact him again.
But: twenty five years apart is different to 25 years together. You have both grown - and, like anything that grows, have grown the way the wind has blown you, or towards the sun, or away from the cold, or grown in a way that isn't necessarily perfect. What I mean is, the man you loved 25 years ago will be, to some degree, a different man now. I think perhaps this is really what your question is about. Has he changed such that he is now simply out to take financial advantage of you?
What are the practical arrangements for living there? How long after you send the money are you supposed to be moving out? What is set up on this score? This seems important to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am devastated over the idea of losing him again. You see I am not in the best of health and am very worried about money. So what he did is either the kindest thing or the most cruel. I now plan to send him the money. What happens after that will tell me which. At least then I will know for certain. If the kindest, I think he should be able to forgive me for my uncertainty. If the most cruel,then he will have to live with what he has done. Thank you all for you advice, most of which has been excellent, no matter which side of the question you came down on. For the one of you who doubts you can still love someone after 25 years, it'a quite possible.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to Rescuer from Australia; I misunderstood your comment about loan customs. To Natasha: I love the Turks and their country--just not their habit of asking for loans and not paying them back. One certainly doesn't have to like all of a country's customs--even those of one's own country. As for "dumping" him, when I came back to Turkey unexpectedly, he was in Switzerland with a woman who'd been chasing him all over and her strange, passive husband--he certainly didn't go there just for the martinis. I actually still weep when I think about that. He was unfaithful to me while talking of our marriage--but after all these years, I decided to let it go. I've never loved anyone as I loved and still love him. Lastly, he actually invested the money or said he did before I gave an okay. However, I have talked to my accountant and am going to try and settle this in a very business-like manner. If he can prove the investment, I will pay him the money, as long as I have a legal document that ensures repayment when the investment comes due. Fair enough?
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reader, natasia +, writes (6 October 2010):
It doesn't sound to me like you even like Turkey or the Turks very much. What then is this idea of marrying someone and living there??
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I was going to drop this, since I keep trying to keep it relatively short and thereby leave out details that make the story difficult to understand, but I feel I must respond to the person (can't see the flag well enough to tell country) who opined that "Rules that apply to customs of loaning don't apply to foreigners. . . ." Where I come from they do. When someone does you the kindness of loaning you money when you are in a jam, the least you can do is pay them back on time, with thanks. The only place I've ever been where this does't apply is Turkey. No wonder they are not going to allow them into the EU! Turkey is also the only place where comfortably-off, middle-class people keep asking you for things: "send me this, give me that, buy me the other." So maybe that is a Turkish flag up there.
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reader, natasia +, writes (3 October 2010):
Sorry but this does read as really quite a bizarre story. He went to Switzerland with a husband and wife and ... dot dot dot??
How can someone you haven't seen for 25 years or more 'still love' you? The whole thing is very odd.
I feel actually rather sorry for him, as you have come back and raised the whole thing again - obviously unfinished business between you - and now made it even worse : (
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the quick responses--some of them very good. There are some other details: when I left him before, he had been talking about marriage and had told his family we were getting married--a surprise to me, but maybe how it's done in Turkey. But when I came back to Turkey after being gone a few weeks, he was in Switzerland with a Swiss woman and her husband; he swore he didn't sleep with the women, but... I said goodbye in a letter because I knew if I saw him, again, I'd never leave. As for the culture and customs, I'm quite familiar with the cultures of the whole region, having lived for several years in Iran and Saudi Arabia as well as 6 months in Turkey. One of the customs in Turkey is never to return money that is loaned to you or given to you for whatever reason. But I think one thing is true: he hasn't forgiven me for leaving him the first time. He was such a gentle and loving young man and now seems rather angry and perhaps a bit bitter about life. When I was in Turkey with him the first time with him, I loaned someone $3000. They paid it back to him. I never saw it again BUT he rented and furnished a lovely house for us. I guess at this point, I think if he does still love me, he will get over the money business, but if not, he won't. And yes, it was wrong for me to finally say I'd send the money and not do it. But I was very hesitant about the investment from the first. I saw it as an investment; he may have thought I could earn a good return and then in a year put the money into a flat since that is when I was planning to go live with him in Turkey. One thing that bothered me, and perhaps I am wrong, is that when he sent me the information needed for me to wire the money to his bank, he said he hoped this would be the start of a new life for us together. I didn't like the idea of the money being connected to a new life together, but maybe he just meant that the money would be spent on a flat we would share. Clearly he and I are not communicating well. But I feel like since I called him to say I wasn't sending the money and he seemed very angry, though he said he wasn't, I shouldn't contact him again unless he contacts me again. I don't think I will hear from him for all the reasons you given. I am really hopeless when it comes to relationships I guess.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2010): I think you should keep it moving....you dumped him years ago..you may have broke his heart, he moved on and here you show up 25 years later wondering if you can trust him...he is probably wondering if he can trust you..and rightfully so. Leave this man alone and find someone who is NOT married or seperated.
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reader, natasia +, writes (3 October 2010):
Well, to be fair, I think he could also wonder whether you are trustworthy ... you first dumped him with a letter, then you re-contacted him, suggested yourself buying a flat with him (which presumably would have taken something like the money you were to put into the investment, anyhow?), agreed to invest, let him put his money in, and now you are again pulling out.
I don't understand quite about the investment, and when you were supposed to go there, and what flat you were going to live in in the meantime. Was he going to buy a flat, and you invest, and then in a year or so you use money from the investment to put into the flat?
I don't think it is totally clear. It would be easy to say he is out for your money, but equally you have done all the looking up, and you suggested the flat business. Why couldn't you just have rented a flat together? Why did buying have to come into it?
I suspect now anyhow you might have made him angry - i would be quite cross in his position ...
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reader, mrvhappy +, writes (2 October 2010):
Hi,
Go with you gut instinct.
You need to get proof in writing (in english) that what you have is yours.
Dont forget Turkey is not yet part of the EU, so you may not be covered if you send the money over to him.
I think that you need to consult with a UK lawyer who can advise you on investing/buying in Turkey.
Please do not send any money to him. He is married and if he does get a divorce, his wife would be entitled to 50% of "his" money
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reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (2 October 2010):
 Was he able to send you anything in writing proving that he really invested? If not, I wouldn't trust him. And even if there was a document, it could have been doctored..I still wouldn't trust him. No contact for 25 years is a very long time to go and then he suddenly wants $$. I'm afraid your heart is trying to rule when your brain should be. Keep your money right where it is.
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reader, petina1 +, writes (2 October 2010):
 Reading through the lines I feel that this man is trying to scam you. What you had was a holiday romance with him. He is married, he is trying to exort money from you. He has cooled off a bit since no money has surfaced. My advice to you, if you wish to take it, is Keep your money in your bank and keep him as a nice memory. Hope this helps.
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