A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I was single and not dating for 3 years after the breakup of a 6 year relationship and I had this weird sense that I would never be with anyone again. So I tried to put myself out there a bit more with activities and so on and I didn't even meet anyone-honestly I am not exaggerating there was nobody - all married or not interested or plenty of women and no men. Anyway my sister suggested internet dating which I was nervous about but I tried and I went on some dismal dates until I met one nice guy who unfortunatedly was divorced with children which was diappointing because he was a very nice, decent guy but I was prepared to try. So we started dating and things were going well and I learnt a lot about how it is if you're in that type of relationship and had to put up with a lot of baggage from his side but we were happy and in love. Now after 2 years and at a point when he has just started to raise the matter of getting married his ex wife has announced that she is getting married and moving with husband number 3 and her 5 kids to her next husband's city and because this will create so much distance for my man from his kids he has looked for and found a job which is closer to where they'll be, nd he'll be moving too. So after putting my foot in the water and just thinking I might be able to dive in I have actually fallen flat on my face. My parents and sisters have this look of total contempt and'I told you so' attitudes because they never approved and now that he's done this it's worse!and I have wasted 2 years of my life with him when I should have stuck to my original choice of not dating divorced guys with kids. I am so angry and upset and I feel that he has made a fool of me and a mockery of our relationship,if it ever was that for him, because now I doubt he loved me. And I can't talk to anyone about it because they just say I told you so or I'm better off but nobody seems to understand on how many levels this hurts - losing a relatioship, just on the verge of finally! getting engaged, putting up with things and sacrificing for the sake of your partner. This is like such an emotional beating. I get pains in my chest, I can't breathe properly, I can't concentrate and I would go back in time if I could and say no the first time he contacted me on that horrible cursed website. What should I do?
View related questions:
divorce, engaged, ex-wife, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (1 July 2012):
 I don't think you "wasted" two years on this guy. The fact that you put yourself out there and tried to date someone you didn't think would work says a lot about you. (good things that is ).
Does he want to end your relationship because he is moving? No talk about having YOU move with him or YOU looking for a job near there? Now that raises a flag for me if he didn't discuss this.
I think as a man, the fact that he wants to be NEAR his children says a lot too. It means he takes the responsibility of fatherhood serious. It means he loves his kids. It means they are his top priority. Which are traits, I personally, find incredibly attractive in a man. They should IMHO be his top priority.
If he doesn't want to continue with you, then I think you should risk trying dating again.
I have always felt like you, no dating divorced men or men with kids. Yet I ended up falling for and marrying a divorced man with 3 kids. And yes, there is has been a lot more drama then in any of my past relationship, but we have made it work for 14 years, so I guess it can't be all bad.
Hang in there.
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I understand you must be upset as you had a certain idea of what your future would look like, but honestly, I think you may be blowing this out of proportion. Doesn't your guy still want to be with you? Wouldn't you also be included in this move? With all of the good things you said about your relationship, I would think he would want you to move with him. I'm just guessing about that, but it is something you really need to discuss with him. You got involved with a man who has kids. Even though he cares about you, he has a huge responsibility to those kids. It sounds like your guy is doing the right thing and trying to move closer to be with those kids. That does not mean that you are out of the picture though. Have a good talk with him and see what he says. I can't imagine that just because he is moving that he wants to end his relationship with you. Just keep in mind that he is still a dad and that if you move in/marry him, those kids will be a part of your life too.
...............................
A
female
reader, sarcy24 +, writes (1 July 2012):
 I too am a great believer in never go out with a divorced man with school age kids. The emotional stress and baggage is just too great unless you are an earth mother type.
There is not much you can do here apart from learn that this type of relationship is not for you. This isn't your fault in any way and you tried your hardest- he chnaged the goalposrs. Personally I would not suggest moving to where he is going because there will be contact with the ex wife and no end of child dramas that I don't think you should be put through. Uou are still very young and you will meet someone else who is probably baggage free as lots of men don't start families until their 40's nowadays. I would let this chap go and let him go in a nice manner. He may well return as I can't imagine this working out too well with the new husband, changes for the children etc.
...............................
A
male
reader, Nehemie Mb  +, writes (1 July 2012):
What you should do is take some perspective. For the first exercise, I know this is so cliche, but if you were in his position, what would you have done? Really try to make the experience realistic. How would you feel, if you were in his position? Your ex-husband, remarries and moves away to another city with YOUR kids to live with his new wife? How does that feel?I'm not saying he's right here, this is just that, an exercise! I think you have the best answers when you find them yourself.Now, let's exclude the wife and the whole divorce part, and imagine you were a mother, what would you do for your kids? Does that include moving to a new city just to be closer to them?This is a truly explosive mix, I must say and in all of that, you're siting right on top of the barrel of dynamite, with seemingly no body to come to your rescue.Yes, 2 years of sacrifice, but I'm sure there was some laughter, some simple but truly beautiful moments, some mazing sex, etc. And I'm sure you've learned so much and have grown into a better person than you were 2 years ago thanks to that relationship. So 2 years wasted? Not so sure. The time that will be wasted is happening right now, this time were you'll be wallowing, and replaying all the events over and over in your head to see whether there was something you could have done, you should have done, or you did or didn't do...bottom line, stop, you'll drive yourself crazy.Compose yourself, find some perspective. Now I'm not saying this is easy, but try! I believe you can pull yourself back together though.I have a question, what did your boyfriend say? Is it temporary? Maybe you'll move with him? Have you thought about that? Did he say the words "It's over" or "let's take some time apart" or something along those lines? If he didn't then GIVE HIM SOMETIME!!! He's probably as confused and distraught as you are!!!Be understanding, don't feel guilty. And about your family, people will always be people, even those with the very same blood as yours flowing in their veins. If you really fall flat on your face, then take it as a precious lesson EARNED :) Trust me, it contributes in making you a better person, thus preparing you for your next relationship, and yes! There will be a next one! Contrary to what you might think, there are A LOT of nice guys out there that are exactly thinking the same as you: "All great girls are taken or married or lesbian, etc."So wait it out, and have a honest talk with your boyfriend about what's happening. If it's over. Then have a good cry for the next few weeks or so. Yes, a good cry, repressed feelings are bad for your health (your pain in the chest, and respiration troubles). Don't try to act like you're tough, I'll tell you a big secret "NOBODY IS!".After your weeks of "mourning", it's the summer! Go out there and do YOU! Now hold on, don't engage into another relationship until you feel you've fully pulled yourself back together and built your self-confidence enough to be self-dependent. Then go out there and put yourself back on the "showcase".There's a caveat, DON'T COMPROMISE!!!! Compromising it the most popular ingredient to failed relationships! From the get go, if you have an eerie feeling, let it go...but don't be overly cautious either!Also, 60% you'll know what kind of guy you meet from where you meet them. So avoid night-clubs and bars. Go for the beach, gym, grocery store (yes, I said grocery store, single guys do their own grocery themselves, I should know, I'm one of them), and my personal favorite: the library! So, I really hope it's not the end of you guys, but in the unfortunate case that it is, I've tried to provide a little advice on how to take it in the future. Take care of yourself. Don't let your happiness depend on ANYBODY but yourself! It doesn't mean you shouldn't rely or depend on people but rather, specify what you want and make sure you get it as opposed to having people dictate what you get on your plate!
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (1 July 2012):
 Well, first off you and he need to sit down and have a good talk as to what this means for your relationship.
I mean, it sounds as if things are pretty serious between you if he has begun talking about marrying you.
I have to say that it's quite natural that he wouldn't want to lose contact with his children.
You need to think about your options. Would you be willing to move to his new location - close by, if not in the same house/apartment - assuming you could find a job there?
If not, will he be coming back to visit you? Or maybe it will be a bit of both, you'll go to see him sometimes?
You say you should have stuck to your original idea of not dating a divorced man who has children. I suppose it would make a difference if the children were older (teenagers or more) but I guess that's not the case here.
It doesn't help that your parents and sisters are taking the attitude they are, by the way. Do they have a particular reason for not liking him, other than the fact that he has young (presumably) children? But it isn't as if he's living with them full-time. Perhaps they are being this way because they know what a difficult situation it would be for you.
If you were to marry him you'd be a stepmother to the kids. That isn't an easy situation for the step-parent. In addition to the interaction he will have (and by implication, you) with their mother. And the children have yet another "father" to have to get used to living with! I wonder about her previous husband and whether HE keeps in touch..........rough all round.
...............................
|
