A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I went on a first date with a guy I'm currently seeing 2 months ago. We hit it off straight away and have been out together about 15 times since then over the last 2 months. We get on really well and there is a lot I like about him. I have spent 2 nights over at his in the period we have been seeing each other but we haven't had sex. I have made it clear to him that I don't want to rush things physically and he is ok with that. I would like to know if he just views this as some casual fling, if he's looking for something long term and just generally what his intentions are because I haven't been able to figure that yet. I don't know how to get that info from him without coming accross as too pushy. Is 2 months too soon to be asking those questions?We talk about a lot and have discussed some personal things I wouldn't just discuss with people generally but I just don't quite know if I should leave things alone and let it play out or be vocal about some of the questions I'm having? Any ideas?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 September 2014):
 You can ask him where he sees himself in the future, if marriage/children is part of his plan or not. Its too soon to ask if you will be part of his future. But I think you can absolutely ask him what his general plan/wishes are. I met my boyfriend on an online dating site, so maybe it was easier for us to discuss these things.. We talked about this even before our first date! I know I want a family one day, with the right person. There is little point in dating someone who doesnt want the same. To me this was something I needed to know before deciding if I even wanted to meet him! On our first date I also asked him his opinion on marriage. Its just good to know if theres a possible future for the relationship. But its too early to ask where he sees himself with you. Such declarations will come in time when he is ready.
A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (25 September 2014):
 I have just been through the exact same thing, so i speak from personal experience.
Patience pays off!
I am also a qualified Cousellor & i will tell you bluntly, that in my opinion & even in the opinion of many relationship experts, 2 months is way too soon, to be dicussing the future & to be expecting any type of formal commitment.
I would give it, i kid you not, approx 4 to 6 mths max, then for sure, start talking to him about where this relationship is going/heading, as you don't want to waste too much of your precious time i know.
The problem is that most, if not all relationships start off beautifully & they will pan out beautifully too, if they are meant to be, however, you can rock the boat, if you push or talk too soon.
He is obviously very smitten by you, otherwise he'd have broken it off with you by now, or he'd have tried to @ least have sex with you, so worry not.
Trust in this growing & blossoming union & believe me when i say, just enjoy the ride & very soon, you will find out exactly where you & he stand.
Just be patient, why the rush?
It is not as though you are very advanced in age & time is running out for you!
Please think about what i have said.
I will tell you a big man secret.
Men love it when women take one day @ a time & don't rush into "the talk".
Let nature take it's course here, have fun & if he will eventually tell you he loves you, or even go as far as proposing to you, he will. :-)
I wish you much happiness & success. Good luck & be patient, hang in there!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2014): I ask this type of thing in a general way in the very beginning of the relationship before I even date someone usually: what are you goals for a relationship? marriage/kids and so on. It is possible to do this and I think it's a good idea to wait to have sex, but that is just my belief. I know there are people who have sex right away or earlier and end up married and who have a happy relationship. I do think it is harder though to develop the relationship if sex is thrown in right away.
I don't see any problem with asking all of this and if you think he doesn't want what you want get out of it now before you get in deep and get hurt. Don't worry about being pushy, just ask it in a non threatening way. You have every right to know where this is headed, this is your life and you are half of the relationship whatever it winds up being. Many men lie even if it isn't a "casual fling" to get whatever they want, so you have to be the one to figure it out early on before you waste to much time and emotion and possibly get hurt.
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A
male
reader, CMMP  +, writes (24 September 2014):
If it was a casual fling he'd be gone by now... That should give you some clue. Congrats on holding out, it's a good idea as it does make a guys intentions clearer.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (24 September 2014):
 Yeah, ask him about his views on marraige,ie. open marraige versu monogomy, etc. Does he like kids, where is he planning to retire, etc. you know just talk about future stuff, even polotical future of the country...in other words divert his thought patterns from the here and now to the future. Then if the conversation lends itself, say, "Where do you see us in the next 5 years?" See you have to ease into it though, lest he gets scared(most of us do) of thinking too much about relationship stuff and commitment.
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