A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Me and my GF have had a relationship for over six months, due to a difficult schedule we dont get as much time together as we would like. However Sundays we are able and look forward to getting together between 1pm and 4pm.She is a single working mum with two boys still at home, a 16year old and a gorgeous but severly autistic boy of 10years whom I love and have grown very attached to. Last Sunday at 8am we had our usual upbeat n happy morning Love call and also confirming our valued 1pm visit.But at 9am I got a call saying that she can't come as she needs to help her 16year old son pack up n load belongings from her ex husbands place (they've been divorced 10years). Now I certainly understand the helping your son out part, BUT to cancel our precious day to assist at your ex husbands place is tough for me to grasp. I am not jealous nor controling in any way, it's all about ethics n principles in my eye's.She justifies it by saying that it was to help her son out loading a few boxes etc. That maybe the case but out of principle is that fair. Needless to say our relationship has badly suffered, she see's it as helping her son, I see it as ethically a bad decision that could of been avoided.Thanks for your views.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): What you call 'ethics and principles' is actually you being controlling.There are a great many ways in which people exert control. Some do it lazily, some do it with great energy and determination. Some do it by choosing someone who is already limited in terms of their own freedom, due to responsibilities to work or children or, for example, poverty.It is not at all unusual for some people - including men - to seem passive and accepting, when in fact they are quietly controlling and have already chosen a person and a situation where it is easy to appear liberal but in which they feel inwardly in control. they cannot cope when things even remotely start to stray from routine or the unexpected happens, or where a partner seems (to them if no-one else) to 'betray' them (ie. step out of their control) by not prioritising them and prioritising someone else instead.You need to take a good look at yourself and realise that you are, in fact, very controlling after all.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): There will be no competition between her sons and you. Her sons will ALWAYS be a priority. Due to her children, she will also ALWAYS have a link to their father.
If you can't handle this then you should review the relationship. Her son needed help and she went, you getting in a mood about it will make you look childish. Accept her sons are the priority and enjoy what you have with her. Getting jealous because she was at their fathers home is just silly, if she wanted to be with him they wouldn't be ex's!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2015): I am a single mum who brought up just one child whilst working.I don't mean to sound harsh, but I really think you are being very unfair here. She is helping to support her son and her son MUST come first. Instead of trying to support her in supporting him eg. offer to do something nice to take some of the stress away from her of losing out on your Sunday visit - you are thinking only of you. And you are reacting rather immaturely, I have to say.Quite often the bigger picture with men who gravitate towards single Mum's is that they do so because these women are so very strong and very caring and the guy basically gets a 'mother' figure, but one that he doesn't consciously think of as his Mum because he's also attracted to the woman involved. In other words, he gets to stay as 'son'. In this kind of relationship, the male partner often reaps a great many rewards - often stability, good cooking, her general strength in dealing with things + the fact that he pretty much knows what she's doing and where she will be, means that controlling men often gravitate towards single Mum's - she can't just fly off to a different country, or stay out at a nightclub 'til 4am because she has responsibilities and this means she is easier to control without him even seeming to be controlling.As well as this he get's let off the hook with a lot of other things - eg. dealing with a younger, childless partner possibly straying and being attracted to other men, or with their female partner simply being weaker and more 'high maintenance' because they've not had to learn to be the strong one (as single Mum's have) and are used to being looked after or with the stress of actually having and bringing up a child from birth - a stress big enough to split many couples. He also tends to get a lot of affection when he is around because single Mum's are often lonely, often have low self esteem and fear being left alone - so they are usually very grateful and loving to the man in their life, possibly more-so than a childless woman would be.You sound like a nice man. And you sound mature. And you sound like you are giving a fair amount of support to her. It's really lovely that you are kind to her sons and get on well with them. So it seems like most of the time you have an equal and adult relationship. But I do think what's come to light in this event is your tendency to be controlling. She has, for whatever reason, momentarily stepped out of your control and you are flipping out big time. I also think you have temporarily gone into 'son' mode yourself, because you are reacting a bit like a needy child, rather than the adult you usually are.It will work much better if you realise this, bottle your inner kid + control freak combo (which I think is maybe 5-10% of your usual self) and tell him/them to stop acting up. Then snap back into your usual man mode and do something lovely to re-set the balance for both of you. Go for a nice dinner, or to a movie together - you pay and you organise it. And feel proud of yourself for taking the lead and being the strong one, if not stronger that before. Single Mum's need guys that tend towards the heroic at least a little of the time. So go on, you know you have it in you, just be a bigger guy and make her and her son's day.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 March 2015):
 He is the father of her children, and as such is going to be either part of, or on the periphery, her life for as long as she lives. Kids packing boxes, broken limbs, birthdays, graduations, weddings, babies, good times and bad times your girlfriend is forever linked to the man via her children.
You have two choices, get over yourself or move on.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 March 2015):
 I can see why you are disappointed and I would be too in your shoes, yet I concur with your GF, it's a matter of helping out her SON. WHERE she is helping him, it's totally irrelevant, in case it's the location that bothers you. She is going to help him at the ex's husband's place, because that's where the kid's belongings are. Were they in the tigers'cage at the zoo, she would be helping him at the zoo.
If the breach of principle you refer too is based on the principle of " never break a previous committment - unless it is a real emergency and/or really important " I guess we could debate forever about how really important it was, without reaching a firm conclusion.
In general, and on principle- yes, for most parents kids always come first, before any romantic relationship. ( And exactly so it should be , IMO ) That's why it's hard to date a single parent. If you tell me that , at 16, this boy should in theory be already able to pack a couple of bags without mommy's help , and if he is not.... that was a good chance to start learning by trial and error, I tend to agree with you heartily . But, you are not dating me, you are dating her :).
Out of fairness, and if it can be of any comfort to you, I remind you that for a single working parent is objectively difficult to carve time out for everything. Your valuable 3 hours Sunday visit ... it's a time that I am sure would be very valuable and valued by her children too, who do not get to spend much quality time with mom during busy weekdays. Some people would even say that,... on principle... maybe she should not even devote 3 solid hours of each and EVERY Sunday to her love life, since she has two minors at home.
Conclusion- principles are an excellent thing, but in some situations showing flexibility is not just helpful, it's a must.
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A
female
reader, jls022  +, writes (5 March 2015):
I think you are majorly overreacting. Her son needed her help and, as he absolutely should, he comes first.
If she's a single working Mum, then Sunday is perhaps the only day she had free to help him move. I understand that you were disappointed that you didn't get to see her, but if you're with a woman with children then you will have to learn to be flexible with these things, and also realise that her ex is the kids Dad so he will always be in the picture to a certain degree.
I think you should cut her some slack and stop punishing her for being a good Mum.
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