A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have recently been through a break up that I do not really understand. I met an amazingly kind and interesting guy who I dated for 5 months and it seemed like everything was perfect. He was very attentive and always doing his best for me, and me for him too. We could talk very easily and I met all of his friends and we got on very well. He talked about me meeting his family, and we went on a long weekend break away together. Then just after the four month mark we had a little too much to drink and I told him that I loved him, but then panicked and said I shouldn't have said that. He then told me he loved me too, and I responded. I had meant it and had been thinking it for a while. After that things changed. Small things, it felt like he was a little distant and we weren't communicating the same way. I did try to approach the subject once about our tipsy conversation as I had felt bad for how we went about it, i wanted it to be more special (and he knew that). He told me we would talk about it when the time was right. I felt a bit shut out at that point but decided not to panic as he was still often texting me and wasn't being completely cold, but there was something a bit 'off'. We only saw each other twice after the love conversation, over a period of two weeks. I had plans to meet with him the following week when he announced we needed a chat. He came round to my house and asked me how I felt the relationship had been going lately. I told him that I felt he had been a bit distant since we said I love you. He said he felt I had been distant, and that when he contacted me it felt like I would only reply, but not engage. I was surprised by this, I thought I was giving him thinking space. He said he had never been in an adult relationship before (he is 24, I am approaching 27) and that he didn't know how he felt and that because he has never been in love before he doesn't really know what it is. He said he was learning it all from me. He said he wanted me to stop giving him this space I'd explained. So after that we spent the night together and for the next couple of days I made sure to tell him how much I appreciated him and how happy I was he wanted to communicate with me about this. He said all was fine, but he didn't seem engaged still. Then 3 days after the night we spent together he turned up at my house and said it isn't working. He said he felt the spark had gone. I was utterly devastated. I asked if he was having a panic and he assured me he wasn't, but that he couldn't see our relationship progressing as it had become stale. He mentioned seeing friends have these relationships and that he didn't want to just float along with me, he also said our chat a few days ago was his final attempt at fixing things with me but didn't seem like there'd been much change. And then he was gone. It all changed in 2/3 weeks. The issue I am having is if I need to just accept his word and realise he just went off me, or is this more a commitment problem? I should stress that before he met me he dated a lot, it never went anywhere past a few dates for the most part, as he couldn't find anyone he clicked with. Also after two months of dating I approached the official title and he panicked then, saying he felt it was too soon. Two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend, saying he just felt pressured before. During our break up I did explain that sometimes after a honeymoon period there can be a little lull where people settle in, but he did not accept this, saying it was far too early on for us to try and sort out such things. Can you provide me with any thoughts on this? I'm very confused by it all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): No he didn't need to say he loved you. Yet he did, and didn't mean it. If you were having sex all along; he felt obligated to say it, or look like a jerk. You still got played. He should have been honest up-front. It wasn't a sudden revelation he doesn't love you. He knew it all along. He still got to play without commitment.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'd like to add we were intimate before any of this, so the idea of him being a player only after sex and only saying I love you for it is not correct, because he didn't need to - it was already happening.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): He is terribly immature, to start with. You both approached the word "love" far too soon, and in the wrong way.
While you were intoxicated? Seriously?!!
I think he was a big fat liar that he is so inexperienced at having a relationship. He never really wanted one, he was just going along with it. He didn't want commitment; because he is so immature. Not because he never had one.
That's a lie. He never had one that lasted, because he's a player.
When you're under the influence of alcohol, you have warm fuzzy feelings; but it isn't necessarily love. You didn't have enough time to even decide if you wanted a commitment; let alone using the L-word.
Then sex came into the picture. Don't you think it's odd he suddenly has a change of emotions after sex? Why did he say he loved you, if he has no idea what it is? I think you got played. For sex! You were the primary pursuer in this connection. From what you described, it seemed you were developing feelings far ahead of his.
Anyway, you both need to have a more grownup approach to commitment, and shouldn't throw the word "love" around so casually. You should be stone-cold sober when you decide to declare your feelings toward the other.
Just because you have a good time together and enjoy each others company; doesn't justify using the L-word so frivolously. People have the strangest concepts of what love is. It goes a lot deeper than feeling good around someone. What you two exchanged in your short five-months was most likely hormone-driven and mostly out of the fantasy that many people create; because they can't wait to say and hear it. Especially saying it so soon; when you're still in the early processes of getting to know each other. That's why it all ended so quickly. Neither of you were really mature or aware enough of what kind of chemistry you have between you. I think he was just waiting out the opportunity to jump your bones. Once that happened, he was on his way.
Just write it off. It didn't last long enough to have developed any profound feelings. You're mostly shocked he made a complete about-face. You went for the bait. Confessing the word "love" expedites getting sex when you want to bypass the games. Live and learn. You'll be stronger and the wiser for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I see what you're saying. I think he liked the idea of being long ted, as he discussed the future a lot. and he's a very honest person. But actually when faced with progressing he might have realised he's not ready for something that big. He seemed very confused, hence why I am confused. He couldn't really give me a reason, just that things felt different.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (3 July 2015):
 I think after you said I love him it made him realize his feelings weren't as strong as you. It wouldn't be right for him to continue if he couldn't give you what you wanted. It's the right thing to do to give him thinking space. When he said he didn't like it, he didn't like that he's forced to make a choice, to be with you or stop fooling around. He wants to have that carefree, relaxed relationship without thinking too much about long term. He can't have it both ways. If he didn't want anything serious he shouldn't have talked about meeting family members. I don't think two months of dating is too soon to talk about being official. You did not do anything wrong. People should stop feeling they messed up by saying I love you first. I guess he said all the right things to make you fall in love with no actions substantial to back it up. When people say girls mature emotionally faster than boys, it is very true. Especially in this case he is few years younger than you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2015): Well,you both sound very mature+ emotionally intelligent, seemed to have talked it all through+ settled it in a civilised manner, through discussion, face-to-face and with consideration for the other person's feelings!!!WELL DONE! I can't stress this enough-there are so many people on here with unrealistic expectations, the wrong approach to relationships etc.etc. - you've got your basics right!I believe once you settle in your "basics" is not too far from an important, life-long commitment.As to this relationship-because you've both been so reasonable+no drama, I think you're over thinking it.Looking for drama/explanations.It's only been 5 months! That's early days and whatever his reasons- he decided not to "float", he was not in a relationship because it did not "feel right" and he's only 24!!! What more do you want re:explanations???All sounds perfectly reasonable to me+ he seems very mature for his age. He's just not that into you.It happens.Pick yourself and keep looking for your Prince Charming. Meanwhile, if you happen to find him,plz do NOT expect things to go by a "deadline", re:title of gf etc. WE all move at different speeds. BUt anyway,I'm sure that once you find what you are looking for, deadlines will suddenly become irrelevant to you...
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