A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this girl for about 4 months now. We both go to the same university. 95% of the time she's great and we have a lot of fun together and we've both said we're falling for each other. We split paying for dates and everything. But every month she turns into an assertive bitch. At first I thought it was PMS or PMDD or something similar. Except it always happens well after her period and well before the next one should start. (In fact I looked at my texting history and it always happens right before or during the full moon. Not that that's relevant it's just a fun fact.)It takes its toll on me every time and I live in fear of setting off every month. She gets mad at the smallest things and calls me terrible names. I apologize even though she's mad at me for something ridiculous like suggesting that the 52 hertz whale may not be "depressed and despairing" but may be persevering instead. From this she keeps throwing ridiculous, loaded assertations at me like "why do you feel the need to be right all the time?" and "why are you dragging this out?"I apologized for upsetting here and all she said was "it's fine" but she's either deflecting and wants to stay mad or isn't sorry for everything she said to me. any time I feel hurt by her words and I bring it up she makes me feel stupid and insecure and like they don't matter. I feel like I'm not allowed to have any feelings. She has the power in the relationship. there isn't a single healthy relationship where one person had all the power. I've tried just giving her her space and letting it go but that feels too much like complacency and making her think it's ok to say these things when it tears me up. And she never apologizes and I can't talk to her about it. I want her to apologize but I can't very well ask for and apology. It would be meaningless. Tomorrow or so she will act like nothing happened. I feel like she has no respect for me and thinks I'm weak. I'm not. I just don't like fighting with her. What should I do? Like I said this only happens a day out two every month and every other day she's cute and sweet and fun for the most part.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. I'll try to keep this brief but I feel rather alone right now. And you're right....it isn't 95% good...it isn't even 50% good. Walking on eggshells (or landmines as it were) is no way to live.I found some websites to help me too. For months I've been having thoughts that she doesn't respect me even though she says she does. "Mind what people do, not only what they say, for deeds will betray a lie." If she respected me she wouldn't say the things she says to me. I tried to talk to her about what she was doing to me. I told her I didn't want to talk about it at first and because I told her exactly how she would react. She denied it and insisted I talk to her. After saying my piece she exploded. Just as predicted. - Then she made me out to be the bad guy. Just as predicted. - Then she said I was overreacting and called me a baby. Just as predicted. - Then she called said the insulting things I've ever heard. Just as predicted. - Then she projected all her problems onto me and blamed me for them. Like telling me how insecure I am. Just as predicted. - She made me feel like she's the only one allowed to have feelings. Just as predicted.She performed to a 't'. I had about a dozen more predictions for how it would turn out and what she would do and say and every single one of them were right....She turned everything I was going to say against me almost like she knew exactly what I was going to say even before I said it. So she probably at least subconsciously aware of everything that's been going on.She's emotionally abusive and I haven't been ignorant of this. I feel emasculated, alone, and helpless. I can't even talk to my own girlfriend about my problems....because she's the problem! I know it's not my fault and she won't change. Why am I having so much trouble breaking it off with her? I don't understand why my brain is on lockdown. I know exactly what I need to do but for I can't...I don't know where to start.for anyone interested here is a description of what I'm going through. http://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotionally-abusive-men-and-women-who-are-they/http://shrink4men.wordpress.com/2009/01/23/when-love-hurts-the-emotionally-abused-man/I've long suspected she had a personality disorder but there at the bottom of the articles it says "borderline personality disorder". That exactly her. every word.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): I think that you really need to sit down with her and have a serious talk . Let her know that you are worried. If she really cares about you, she will *now* be aware of her nasty problem and try to work on it.
I know that a few days before I get my "monthly thing" I some times get emotional and sad. My bf. knows this and I even warn him when I am feeling like that to *just let me be*.
You need to nip this in the bud so she doesn't take advantage of you and use her bad actions as an excuse to do this to be mean to you. It's just wrong of her. Good luck! ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Your relationship isn't 95% good its less than 50% from the sound of it. It doesn't matter how many days a month she is verbally and emotionally abusive the fact is that she is that at all.
You need to tell her - when she is in her nice mood - that she is a bitch in a regular basis. Don't let her off the hook. Give her honest information so she van have a chance to work on changing her behavior. If she doesn't change or refuses to even acknowledge it then you're going to have a verbally abusive relationship and you have to ask yourself how long you want to stay in this.
It is not ok for her to be treating you like this ever, let alone on a monthly basis. The fact that she never apologizes is a red flag.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): You decide if it is something you can over look, if its something that may get worse with time, if its a trait of someone you want to spend your life with or at least a portion of it if not forever... If you can live with it do it but if you cant and its something thst will get in the way then move on, find someone who doesnt do that, and remember everyone has some flaw somewhere, wheather it shows or is hidden. Theres no such thing as a perfect partner only the one thats right for you
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