A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my boyfriend have been having problems because I never want to stay at his house, but I don't know why I don't... I love him a lot, although we have had lots of problems along the way mainly because I feel like I'm last on his priority list a lot of the time, and I'm happy to have sex but I always want to go home afterwards. I have of course stayed at his a lot and it has been fine, but even after 3 years together it would be my first choice to go home to my own bed without him. Does this mean things are not right with us and deep down I know? Or is this an issue with me that I need to work out? I know he is hurt when I refuse to stay. Any insight welcomed... Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  + ♥, writes (30 December 2012):
 O K,
Yes indeed I do think that the leaving you out of the blue is Causing a trust issue with you. The parent factor is also likely part of the problem. I believe there is also some awkwardness when you don't come home. You may even feel obligated to call and inform your parents you won't be home. That is going to be awkward.
Next area of exploration.
Are you comfortable at his place? Is it neat and clean? Is it too masculine? Does he have "art" that offends you? How about his personal hygiene? These could all be factors.
OldBag has made a very good point. You seem to not be ready to commit to him. After dumping you out of the Blue you really don't think he is "the one". While your mind doesn't think he is cheating, You heart doesn't want to let him too close.
FA
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (29 December 2012):
 Hi
I don't find it strange as I like to go home too, always have - WHEN I am not 100% into the guy or feel the relationship isn't going right. I also prefer it if they leave mine early in the morning too so I don't get caught up in having to spend the day with them.
Then I know its time to finish it because my gut feeling is telling me something isn't right.
When you want to be with a guy, live with him, marry,have his babies etc share your life and yourself..then its right
Perhaps now you are getting your independance,your own place, have your Degree - your looking for a fresh start in life, the next stage - and he isn't who you want in it?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): Hi I am the OP. Thanks for your replies I really appreciate it! I have answered some of the questions you have raised so you get a better idea of what is going on. First of all, I live with my parents as I have just finished doing my postgraduate degree. I am in the process of looking for somewhere on my own, but as it stands he has never stayed at mine because my parents and him think it might be a bit awkward. He lives on his own but said he is not ready for us to live together. In answer to the trust question, I do trust him in that I know he would never cheat or anything like that, but he did end things with me once out if the blue leaving me broken hearted. I suppose thinking about it it's always at the back of my mind that he might do it again because he never discussed any unhappiness with me before he did it the last time so I had no warning so there are no 'signs' to look for. Do you think that could be it? I also think that there could be some truth to the point the anonymous poster made about resentment, as I do often feel upset that he only wants to see me on his terms. I also tend to think and process a lot of my thoughts at night, and as they are often to do with our relationship I can't really do that when he is there...
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice + ♥, writes (29 December 2012):
Well it is about time you started to analyze your relationship. I'll be glad to add my insight to it. Just be aware that I have to make some guesses. 3 years in and you still keep separate houses. He is frustrated. Generally when a girl keeps her own place it is because she doesn't trust the guy enough. For some reason she needs a back up plan because she thinks he will leave her.
But it is more than that. You don't want to be with him after sharing sex with him. I notice it is at his place and not at yours. Is that always the case?
Do you feel emotionally connected to him? Is he saying the words you need to hear.
To digress a minute, you need to understand what he is feeling. Generally (again) guys feel most connected when having sex. Sexual activity is their main love language. When you get up and leave he feels that you said I love you with your body, then you said I don't care by leaving. He doesn't know where you stand.
The #1 question you need to be asking yourself is, do You trust him? Or are you just going home because that is where your toothbrush and clothes are and it is easier to get to work on time from there?
I think there ar4e ways you two can move forward but we need to get too the root of this first.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2012): If you don't like something and that's your gut feeling its not something you need to work on to make yourself like it. Your feelings are there for a reason.
How do you feel when he stays over at your place? Do you feel fine with him there or do you wish he would leave? Just saying that it could he his house that you don't like rather than the relationship.
But if you've always been feeling like you're not important to him then that's a very significant issue. Over time it leads to hurt and feelings of resentment and these erode intimacy and trust so that could be the reason you aren't eager to spend more time with him.
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