A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,This might be quite long but I'm in dire need of some advice...i can't really talk to anyone else about this situation...Here goes:When i was about 17 i randomly met a guy at a gig, i can still remember it like it was yesterday, it was like he was the only guy in the room, it felt like 'love at first sight'. We got together and within two weeks fell in love (i know that seems fast but it just happened, we were young!) We were blissfully happy for 9 months. He was really good to me. I remember everything so clearly. Moments with him, our first time, how he smelled, his cooking EVERYTHING (i know it sounds slightly mental). We started having some problems in the last month, he seemed to be texting other girls. He said there was nothing in it and would get quite upset whenever i brought it up, but after i read a few dodgy messages on his phone i decided enough was enough and left him.I was a mess for months, i became really ill and i guess probably depressed. We kept in contact for a little while on and off but things got too heated and he backed off a bit, became really cold towards me.After a few months i met someone else, he turned out to be an abusive psychopath so i finished with him, but throughout that relationship, thoughts of my ex would haunt me constantly. For some reason i got back in contact with first bf and told him about my nutter boyfriend and things got a bit nasty and resentful between us at that point. He even said 'well a nice guy was here waiting for you with open arms and you walked away' those words still get to me. We stayed in contact for a while, i even bumped into him once and we had a chat about how we needed to stop arguing and just be friends. I always wanted him but, as always, he never admitted feelings for me like i did to him, so i moved on and agreed to keep it friendly.So a year or so past and i met someone else, a really smart, nice guy who had a lot going for him. We got on great and spent a lot of time together, even went on holiday. But again thoughts of my first love were always on my mind and contact was still open between us as friends. Eventually i ended it with my new guy as it wasn't working and i was starting to fall for his friend (I know, I'm awful) so we went our separate ways.His friend and I got together and 2 years later we have a house together and get on really well, despite the occasional bickering. I fell for this guy strongly, just as i did my first boyfriend and we seemed to just complete each other, it's a very mature relationship though and i know he would never hurt me. I feel bad for still constantly thinking about my ex and contacting him every chance i get, it's not fair on my boyfriend and it's messing with my head. It's been 7 YEARS since my first boyfriend and I dated and part of me still believes we were meant to be and he still feels it too. He tells me about all is relationship problems he once told me 'he just can't feel anything for anyone' I'm not sure why he is like this now or why he is telling me. He had a nasty ex too, so it could be because of her but the way he words things just gives me a vibe like he's trying to tell me something. It's hard to explain and i can't work out if i read to much into things with him as i always seem to have done, all i know is that it's doing my head in.He's recently sent me pictures of himself via a instant messaging thing, they weren't dodgy or anything just him messing around but it makes me wonder, why is he sending me pictures of him? even in a jokey way? why now? He didn't even have me added on his Facebook for ages! I guess he thought i would be nosy, he was right :/He has a new gf now and i can't help feeling a bit jealous. I reiterate- 7 YEARS whats wrong with me?I feel so bad to my boyfriend he doesn't deserve any of this.I just want to figure out why I can't get rid of these thoughts, if he feels anything too and just generally what to do with these never ending feelings! I don't want to hurt my boyfriend but i don't want to let go of someone that could be the one? maybe?Any insight or advice would be so appreciated, be as honest and harsh as you need to be, i think i need a slap round the face! xx
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 I guess it's all in your mind. Maybe subconsciously you really don't want to forget this guy and you actually enjoy reminiscing your moments together.Do you really want to forget him? Please do yourself a favor then:1. Obviously, being friends to this day with this guy has not helped at all. I suggest cutting him out completely. Everytime he has something going on with his lovelife, it hurts you and affects you, so why torture yourself?2. Focus on your own life. Your current boyfriend is what you have, ask yourself why you are still with him and not this ex of yours. The fact that it was 7 long years ago and your relationship has never been revived means he is not the perfect man for you however perfect he seems to be compared to other guys.If you really really want to overcome this feeling towards this guy, help yourself then. Do not let this 7 yr problem persist for another 7 years. It is only you who will suffer, think about it.Best of luck.
A
male
reader, LAcreme  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 1. You have no clear idea of what you really want.
2. If you want him, have a serious conversation with him, and see if he feels the same way. If it was affirmative, set the ball rolling and rekindle your love life.
3. If there's no future with each other, stop all contacts with him and move on. Truth is, you're doing yourself more harm than good, if you keep contacting him. If you keep contacting him for 15years, you're likely to keep moving round a circle without making any progress in life. Its just a normal phenomenon.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (26 June 2013):
 Part of the problem is that you choose not to talk to anyone else about it. You are nurturing and enjoying the thoughts you are generating, reliving the past, going over and over and over the few months of what felt like a happy time.
You have idealized the relationship beyond its reality and then chose an abusive man as your next romantic partner. While it sounds like you had a fantastic romance and then a crappy relationship, I suspect the two are closer than you would like to acknowledge.
Your first love turned out to be a cheater, at least via text. You also fell very hard very fast which isn't necessarily a good thing, I suspect you were projecting onto him your own fantasies and he happened to go along, for a least a few months before he got bored and began texting other girls.
Then you found an abusive guy. Not good
Let me point out your choices of words here: " throughout that relationship, thoughts of my ex would haunt me constantly", "But again thoughts of my first love were always on my mind and contact was still open between us as friends",
"I feel bad for still constantly thinking about my ex and contacting him every chance i get, it's not fair on my boyfriend and it's messing with my head", and so on. Your distress is from thoughts generated by you, not your situation. You are with a nice man (you call the relationship mature but don't sound all that happy about it).
In simple words, your thoughts are generating your drama and distress. You are imagining, and thinking and dreaming and living in a fantasy world of 'what ifs' and 'he was the one' when in fact your life is the here and now. You are living in the past and imagining a future and are not spending any time in the present.
You daydream, and imagine and regret and wish and hope.
You would benefit from some mindfulness-based therapy and counseling.
Read at least one of the books I mention on my profile and come back after you have done so.
Time to start living in the present. If you don't like your circumstances, you can work to change them, but if you are spending all your time lost in thought, lost in remembering, or more accurately, rewriting your past in your head, that's what you need to work on.
Your thoughts are doing you in. Learn to start to recognize that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (25 June 2013):
 I dated a guy from I was 19 til we were 23, he was my first real BF and to this day, he will always hold a special place in my heart. I did compare EVERY other gay to him and yes, they all feel short.
It is NOT uncommon that (at least in our minds) we go back to the LAST really successful relationship and hope to rekindle the feelings from back then. What MANY people do is the more time has passed the more of the negative elements are forgotten and the rosier the glasses get tinted towards that person or event from the past.
So for you this first guy holds a LOT of positive memories & feelings, and that is something you hope to get again. It doesn't mean you can't be happy with someone else, but it means that YOU need to start living in the now and let him be a sweet memory of the past.
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