A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm 23 and have feelings for a girl I meet at a wedding 2 weeks ago. She is beautiful. I couldn't keep my eyes off her all night. Then the bomb dropped, I found out she is only 15! I felt so ashamed even though I didn't act on my feelings, there was no phsyical/sexual contact between us, I felt very annoyed and angry with myself. I thought she was older, about 19, just from the way she looked and handled herself. I have a very severe hatred towards paedos, child melesters/abusers, wife beaters and bullies. I think of myself as a law abiding, moral, loyal, trustworthy and truthful member of society. But I've fallen big time for someone that is just out of reach. I don't know if she has just turned 15 or if she is coming up for 16. Either way, it makes me sick to think people might call me "Kiddie Fiddler" if they knew I was attracted to her! I got phone call at the weekend from a family friend, saying that she wants my number which suggests the feelings of attraction are mutual. They refused to give her my number because they and myself included, think I'm too old for her but, I can't get her out of my head. I haven't felt this way about someone in the last 4 years. I want to talk to her but fear that if I do, I will be branded something that I despise. I have no intentions to have a sexual relationship with someone under the legal age of consent (16 in the UK), but my desire to be with this girl clouding judgement concerning the age difference not sex. If she was 16 I would not be writing this. I won't have any guilt in admiting my attraction. I don't want this one to get away. This is one catch I want to keep and not be branded a "poacher" paedo!what should I do, meet the girl and see what happens or just stay away until she is old enough to be with me, legally in the eyes of the law?
View related questions:
wedding Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): I agree with anonymous, age seems less significant as you get older. Im 19 and seeing a guy who is 29. It doesnt worry me or anyone else in the slightest. However I would say let this one go for a year or 2. Shes only 15. Let her be a teenager and experience things with guys her age.Seriously if she wanted you to hang out with her and her mates would you feel comfortable hanging around with a group of 15 year old girls? I wouldnt think so.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2009): Just leave it, i mean you only liked her physically after all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2009): Love doesn't always conform to existing social mores, nor does millions of years of evolutionary biology. But you said some hypocritical, hateful things ("I have very severe hatred for paedophiles") and follows herd mentality, so "good luck" with that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2009): Why don't you be her friend? Take her for a coffee or something? You seem quite level headed and the sort of person who could offer advice and be there for her when she needs support. Besides, that way you can figure out her true colours and decide if she is who she seems. 8 years difference in the long run isn't a big gap- however at the moment it is- don't give in to lust whatever you do, and don't allow yourself to be led up the garden path!
...............................
A
male
reader, craven white  +, writes (30 May 2009):
let me help you out buddy if i were you i would talk to the girl and find out her interest and slowly take my time with the situation because she's curious as to how older men think. don't think about her age but ask her what she think other people would say if she went out with an older guy but never say your her boyfriend first gain her trust so you can gain confidence in every move you make. take it slow and joke about the situation to your friends to check what they feel but never make the move until the path is clear and you will know when it's clear trust me..
...............................
A
female
reader, Olivia(Y). +, writes (28 May 2009):
 My friend is 15 and had a relationship with someone who was 22 and one person in my group got very worried about her and went to a teacher in school about it, they told her parents and informed the police and charges have been pressed against this man. My friend nearly got put into care because of this.
Don't even think about contacting her while she is 15. It will only mess your life and her life up. If you could see how much of a mess my friends life is in right now you wouldn't take one look at this girl.
Please go out and find someone closer to your age or wait until she is 16 when its leagal. Don't get yourself involved with her at this age because it will end up badly.
Livia
xoxox
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2009): as long as you two don't have sex you are in the clear.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Wrong! She is only 15, just a child. Go find someone your own age. IF anything goes sour in this relationship she will be hurt way more than you will. So think from her perspective.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): If the legal age is 16, then wait till she's 16 and see what happens after that. It may be that the two of you have grown out of these feelings by then.
My boyfriend is 8 years older than me also, but I was 20 when I met him. The age difference seems less significant the older you get, so if you can wait past her teenage years to be serious it won't seem like a big deal at all. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Oh dear,
There are lots of issues here. Least of which is the gap between a 15 year old girl and a 23 man. But lets stat with some generalities which may be true or not true in the case of the individuals concerned.
- Girls don't want to hang around with 15 year old boys, because 15 year old boys are about as mature as 12 year old girls.
- The male (writer) has been listening to his mates, none of whom have girl friends, or have not got past the male homosociability stage. I'm not saying they are gay...but they haven't got past the stage of going out with the lads, getting legless, and just looking at the girls because...well they seem to be a different species. Maybe he isn't confident about his own sexuality so he has to ask "the boys", "the mob", "the group think" what is normal.
- Maybe he (and his mates) read the sun...(too young to read the mail)...and he like his mates thinks there's peado's on every park bench, and outside of every school gate...(lots of fiction, lots of hate, tells you which is the current mass-hysteria to follow) and anyone who looks at anyone younger ought to be strung up by their balls! and oh god, what if they mistake his observation about the jailbait at the family wedding. When actually all he's doing is making as observation that any father of a fifteen year old girl might make...his daughters become a woman and is quite attractive.
- Maybe at the weding because you were away from your "boy" mates and "group thought" you might have looked mature and kind of attractive to the fifteen year old.
As a father of two girls one who is now fifteen, I wouldn't have been too worried if someone aged 23 asked them out; but now you are panicking about what your mates might think, my daughters wouldn't have given you a second look.
I say its not the age...its the fact you haven't reached the stage where you can think for yourself, therefore you wouldn't be trustworthy around a 15 year old...you probably cannot tell gay from strait, a gay from a peadiofile, you see feminism as bad, your probably homophobic, and sexist.
My advice is go back to your boys, their comics, and the footie, and you'll probably do no harm to the odd girl who see's something there momentarily that isn't.
Sorry am I being a bit hard on you?
...............................
A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (26 May 2009):
 I think you need to consider ALL the possible outcomes of this. Regardless of the age gap, teenage girls are notoriously fickle. Their affections get dumped on lots of unsuitable men, until they suddenly come across another one who takes their fancy.
For her, you are a proper "man" - something she probably doesnt see a lot of in her school friends, who are all hormonal teenage boys, who can only think with their trousers. You are exciting for her, its a thrill to be faced with a real life man, who obviously has sexual attraction for her. For a 15/16 yr old to bag herself an older guy, this is the ultimate in street cred - it shouts to all her friends, "hey, im an adult, Ive got a MAN, and you can only get stupid little boys".
I am a teacher - I see this type of behaviour all the time. Teenage girls do not want to date guys their own age. They want older guys, 18,19,20. The other thin is that most 16 yr old girls, go out of their way to make themselves look older - you fell for this.
Now, the age difference. I agree with the other posters. If she was 23, and you were 31, this would not be such a big deal (but how many 23 yr olds do you know who are dating 30+ men?). But the fact she is underage, and you are 23, makes this relationship both illegal, and also wrong morally. She is an inexperienced child - you are a mature and experienced adult. You would always have the upper hand in this relationship.
If you were to date each other - she cannot LEGALLLY be served alcohol until she is 18. Thats another two years. YOU couldnt go out to a pub/club/bar, and buy her drinks. SHE wouldnt be allowed into clubs anyway, unless she has a fake ID or could pass as older.
She has her GCSES to sit yet, then A levels, and thats even before she has been to university. You have done all these things. Could you deal with your GF having to go to school everyday? Not being allowed out on school nights, having to do her homework? What happens if she moves away to university? Would you go with her? Would you get upset if she was flirty with the boys her own age? Do you see a relationship lasting this long with her? How long before you get bored of dating a child, and yearn for adult company, adult discussions, etc?
A scenario - your friends are going out to a club, they are taking their GF's/BF's - can you honestly take her? Would her mother be ok with her going out with you? School night? How would your friends react, having a child hanging about with them?
Think about it, when you had your first sexual experience at 16 (the same age as she is now) SHE was only 8 years old. Does that put this into perspective for you?
I dont want to be harsh, but we all have feelings for unsuitable people at some time in our lives. Sadly, we have to do the right thing, even it is not what we want. I know you think you have deep feelings for this girl, but you dont know her - you were sexually attracted to her. I am sure, in reality she is a stroppy teenager, which most mature men wouldnt want to touch with a barge pole.
By pursuing this girl, not only will you be jeopardising your life, and the respect of people for you, but also hers. She is a child, she needs to grow up in her own time, not be forced into an adult relationship. She has a huge amount of growing up to do in the next few years - if you really like her, you will let her do it. Ask yourself the question, can you honestly see a REALLY long term relationship with this girl?
Is this worth ruining her young life, just for a brief and illicit fling?
Be the adult in this relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, maroonjambo85 +, writes (26 May 2009):
I understand all of the points and opinions. But please believe me when I say I will not harm this girl in anyway shape or form. that includes anything sexual. I lost my virginity when i was 16 and I waited until I was 16 because that is the law in the UK. I was pressured to have sex by my friends (peer-pressure) but i stayed strong to my beliefs and I would not deminish hers. so I would never put pressure on her do something that A. is illegal, B. would harm her and C. she doesn't want to do! I have repeated the fact that I have no intention of having a sexual relationship with someone under the age of consent. I have always thought with the head on my shoulders not the one in my trousers! There is more to relationships than intercourse! Friendship is a great foundation for any relationship and intend to speak to her about her thoughts, fears and mine also. thank you to everyone how has taken time to advise me on this so far.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): It's a case of forbidden love, and i fear if you just remain friends with her as some other posters have said, your lust may get the better of you and you'll have a whole heap of bigger more serious problems to worry about than just a crush.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): In a few years...it wouldn't matter, but right now it Does!
As Steve said "we can't help who we fall in love with...but we can control our actions!
Be careful!
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): You said yourself you don't want to be branded a cradle robbing baby raper, so if you met up with her to see what will happen, one thing may lead to another, that being something you regret, besides she might be a relation of yours that you don't know.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Age is just a number.In a relationship its love and respect what counts.people need to broaden thier minds not all guys with teens are bad x
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): You seem like a good honest guyAs the previous posters have said girls mature faster than boys, but you have to make sure that she has her head screwed on. When i was 19 i fell in love with a girl who was 15, we knew each other a while before i did fall in love but it never worked because some relationships, regardless of age, just dont. We are still great friends till this very day.Best thing to do is be her close friend, talk to her, get to know the girl, see if there truly is compatibility, be there for her when she needs you. There will be people who will say nasty things but if your a TRUE gentleman and dont do anything illegal, Then you have nothing to worry about.There's always time in the world, take it nice and slow
...............................
A
male
reader, maroonjambo85 +, writes (26 May 2009):
This is actually my question and I value both of your opinions. I have spoke to her but it was brief, too brief. That's why I want to meet with her discuss her's feelings. But the fact that I want to talk to her alone would send alarm bells ringing in peoples ears. I have no intention to hurt her in anyway, I fear I may hurt her just by brushing this all "under the carpet".
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2009):
 I do think the gap is too big personally. Even if she was 16.
But I will say this, she might be a very mature 16 year old and you might be a slightly immature ( no offense) 23 year old. If the two of you TAKE the time to get to know each other and here I really mean TIME. Then who knows maybe by the time she IS 16 she might be ready to date an older guy and you might still be interested.
Legally no matter how interested she is, in most places 15 % 23 is illegal. YOU will get the whole blame.
I do remember having many CRUSHES on older guy when I was in my early teens. I never ever dated guys younger then myself though. Girls do tend to be a bit more mature. But I think before your lust gets the better of you, you need to think of the legal ramifications. If she is worth waiting for then by all means WAIT. Get to know her.
Think with the right "head" here.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Leave it alone she is only a child and you only met her once I am sure you will get over it and you will meet someone much more suited to you and your age. Sorry I am sure this is not what you want to here but its the truth.
...............................
|
