A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Aunts and Uncles,I really need some advice. I posted on here before. My partner left me about 3 months ago, just suddenly ignored me then got nasty when I asked him why. I am still really upset because we were so close for the 6 yrs we were together, albeit we had ups and downs and we never lived together. He says we will never meet again but won't give a reason why. He says he has no other woman. Even now, nearly 4 months on, I am so upset and its affecting my health and my job and I;m up now at 4.30am unable to sleep.I gave it space and time and now I'm just wondering if I just go round to his place and insist on speaking to him. He told me if I went there he would ignore me and I would look stupid in front of the neighbours. He was verbally insulting to me after we split up. He got divorced before he met me and be blames his ex wife and now me, for all his problems (he has temper problems and can be verbally abusive but then on the other hand he can be loving and generous etc).I supported him through so many of his problems over the last 6.5 yrs and this really really hurts me. I don;t know what to do. I;m so upset and partly angry but mostly just hurt. Why would another human being treat someone so shabbily like this? It really breaks my heart. I really need to see him to speak to him. He told me whenever this happened with his ex she used to just insist on seeing him but I've taken a different approach of giving it some space but now I'm thinking maybe I should have done it like his ex and just gone straight to see him without arranging it first because doing it this way hasn't helped me it seems. I feel stuck and instead of getting over him I'm feeling worse and feeling more ill as well. What is the best way to approach this. Any advice would be welcomed. Thank yo
View related questions:
divorce, ex-wife, his ex, neighbour, split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rocknroll  +, writes (26 May 2009):
Some good advice from Honeypie.I think the more compassionate a person is, the more they will want to talk about it and find out what went wrong, so that in the future, it can be avoided.Problem is, this ex is not capable of doing this. Maybe because he feels hurt himself and angry, that he would not be able to reasonably state what needs to be said that would bring closure. As a guy, I know when I get upset, hurt and angry, I know the phrase "I am so mad I can't think straight" is very true, let along being able to speak any thing that makes sense.If you really want closure, I would not advise meeting up with him or even trying to talk with him, this may make his defenses rise up. I would suggest giving it several months to a year, and then write to him in a thoughful and caring way with a P.O. Box as a return address.In the mean time, you have to shift gears and start thinking about yourself, your future and your own happiness.I wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Another thing that supposedly helps is to start dating again, force yourself to do it they say. I haven't been able to do this yet....I know I probably should try, but I don't feel up to it yet, but I will, I actually like men.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Further if you cannot sleep (I went through this) and you are feeling ill, make an appointment with your doctor. You may actually be depressed if this has been going on for more than a few weeks....what happens is that when you are under stress your body produces a stress hormone called cortisol, under prolonged stress your brain cannot produce the feel good chemical seratonin fast enough to couneract the cortisol production and your body chemistry is out of whack and you feel really low and depressed, feel physical pain more accutely and you have sleep disturbances.
You may need an antidepressant for while to get your brain chemicals back in line.....you can't will yourself out of depression, it helps to treat it. Also, get some bloodwork done to measure your other bodily functions, like blood sugar, thyroid, etc....to make sure you don't have any problems there.....
This is part of taking care of yourself. Try to get some sleep and eat healthy foods, stay away from simple carbs and sugar, and walk and excercise daily, it really will help you sleep and feel better.
I am sorry you are going through this, I am too and it sucks BAD.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): Listen to what we are saying, you are not wrong for wanting closure, but some where somebody claimed that is what people need to get over a breakup to have their questions answered....but it is a lie.
It is a waste of time because this guy made an emotional decision, you cannot explain an emotional decision with logic because feelings are not facts.
I completely understand how you feel. You feel wrongly accused, you feel like you can't believe that he doesn't see all that you did to help him and you did it because you loved him and he doesn't see it that way, he doesn't value you he doesn't appreciate you and now acts like he hates you by being so nasty and that really hurts it is a slap in the face. My ex is the same way, nice and needing me one minute, nasty and accusing me the next.
The guy is feeling bad too, seeing you is a reminder of what he lost and what he failed at. You are not going to change his mind by seeing him or talking to him or getting closure and he isn't going to have the answers that will help you move on and feel better. Even if he did the answer will not take away your pain.
Think of it this way, you fall down, you break your foot (I have actually done this). You slipped and fell, but you have no idea why and you are angry, hurt and frustrated because you are in so much pain at this moment you want to make the pain go away. Would knowing why you slipped change the fact that you were in pain. No. Would fixing the problem by putting your foot in a cast take the pain away, no. It will still be a throbbing ache until it heals and it gets better little by little week by week, day by day. So it is with a broken heart.....logic, answers do not change how you feel very much at all.
Like I said, you are just opening up yourself to be hurt and rejected by him again by insisting that he tell you why he broke up with you. It doesn't matter why, it is his stupid loss. And if he made a mistake, if he regrets his decision, if he loves you and wants you he will have to come to that decision on his own and return to you.
I hope he doesn't, he doesn't sound good for you.
I am having the same struggle right now and I know how tempting it is to call him to want to see him to wish that he would give you an apology or some validation of what you did for him. But the guy is not capable of that at least not right now and all you do will be seen by him as harassment from an obsessed ex....wrong as he may be. Just stay away from the rabid dog in the cage....he isn't the same dog you knew and loved....he's got rabies....ha ha.
Take care of YOU
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): I'm only 25 so my advice won't be as wise as some. Maybe proposition him by phone and say something like ''i'm giving you a chance and it's your last chance to meet me in a neutral place and tell me the matter or i will grant your wish and never contact you again because it's making me ill'', and if he really genuinely care's, loves and respects you he may consider it. If he doesn't then just keep busy at work and keep your friends close and eventually you will start to feel better. You may never find out the real reason behind this but i would say it's not your fault if all you've done is support him. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (26 May 2009):
 You have my sympathy as it's always tough when a long term relationship ends. It seems logical that going around to his house unannounced would be the wrong thing to do. His ex obviously did this and it never worked for her, so to be honest, it won't work for you.
I have a feeling there are deeper issues here and lack of confidence on your part. I know you have said this man can be loving and generous, but you also said he was verbally abusive and blamed his problems on his relationships. Think about what you really want. If someone came up and said to you ' would you like a man who 'could' be loving and generous but you have to put up with some verbal abuse' would you seriously be happy with that?...or would you prefer just to have the loving and generous part?
Through low self esteem and doubt, a lot of people put up with a lot of unnecessary crap from their partners. They fear being alone and they fear never finding someone else...and that is a travesty.
I know your feeling pretty low and upset over this, and maybe chasing the man might bring about an opportunity for contact, but is it really going to make him come back to you? It seems he has made his choice, for whatever reason and you may never know what that reason is. Harsh but true.
Do yourself a massive favour and don't allow yourself to fall apart over this. Focus on yourself and your own life. Work on your self esteem issues and try to move on from what has happened. You ask how any person can treat another like this...the answer is that they just can! and people do it all the time. Keep your dignity, hold up your head and start making a few plans for yourself. A short holiday, a shopping spree or a new career or hobby, see friends or family, spend time making a few new acquaintences.
Plan, plan and plan some more. Don't give yourself time to sit around moping about this as life at our age is definitely too short. I've been in this situation before and spent far too much time pondering and crying, now in retrospect, I can see it was a waste of time and I eventually met someone else who cares about me and whom I am happy with.
Good Luck my darling, dry those tears. Tomorrow is another day!!!!
Aunty Em xxx
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 May 2009):
 I think it's human nature ( more us females then the males) to want closure. But we might not always GET closure.
You invested so much of yourself in him and the relationship and maybe you are not quite done mourning it. That is ok to do. But you also need to look at it and see the bad things. Why are you letting a man treat you like this and still hold on to it?
He might not be able to give you what you want. An explanation. If he does give you one it might not be helpful at ALL to you, don't forget he blames YOU and his ex for things that has gone wrong in his life. He takes no accountability.
I don't think you will ever get true closure from him. It might sound corny, but you need to accept that it is over and that you CAN move forward. You don't need his permission or his "explanation" as to what YOU did oh so wrong for him to end the relationship. Let him go. And next time you start to date don't date men with so many hostilities towards their ex's, but someone who is "free" of his past experiences.
Let him go, he really isn't worth it.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2009): It didn't work for his ex, and it won't work for you!
Keep your self-respect! Leave it alone!
You're not really looking for closure...you are hoping that by seeing eachother, spark will rekindle.
You can attain closure without actually seeing the person.
I know what it is like to stand by your man through all the tough times, just to be treated worse and worse. For me it will NEVER happen again! I won't allow myself to be treated like a doormat! And you shouldn't either!
...............................
|
