A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I'll be the first to admit that I tend to be jealous. Part of it is probably just my personality and another part is from a few bad experiences with men who lied and cheated on me. It's hard to recover from that and it may have made me a little insecure about myself although I'm an attractive, educated and successful woman. Guys look at me too although i tend to not pay attention to them and I definitely not make myself available when I have a bf. I'm currently dating a guy, we've been together for a little less than a year. He's quite attractive and has an outgoing, charming personality which oviously gets him a lot of attention from women and he also has a lot of female friends in his "entourage" (facebook, school, etc) who like him and occasionally hit on him. I'm actually amazed at what women are capable of even knowing that the guy is in a relationship. He has shared a couple situations with me and yes, i think that often times it lead to small arguments because I think he makes himself available to these situations. But that's just my opinion and we've had some disagreements. He's always very aware of his surroundings and always notices when a girl is staring at him or into him. I try to channel my jealousy (im not a crazy jealous woman but i don't want to be oblivious either) and if I have an issue with something I usually try to communicate but it often turns into an argument because he doesn't agree. I was talking with him today and in the detours of the conversation, I found out that there were times when he went to a bar but didn't tell me about it so i wouldn't get jealous. Which to me is completely ridiculous since he goes out for drinks with one of his guy friend almost every week and I was always fine. So I'm not sure why he's not telling me about the other times. I was disappointed because this is the worst thing you can do to me, start hiding things. I told him that i expect him to be honest and open. The more open he is, the better. He said there was nothing to hide but he didnt want to get into a fight with me and he doesnt want to tell me about every time a girl hits on him or he gets into these situations when a girl he knows is into him. But for me it's very hurtful to know that he's withholding stuff. We talk every night on the phone bc we only spend weekends together bc of the distance so i can only imagine the times when we were talking his day and he just "omitted" to tell me about his night at the bar. It sucks. Why would he not want to tell me about it?I told him that my expectation was for him to be always honest with me. I don't want to be treated like an idiot who doesn't need to know about certain things. To me its the base of a relationship. I don't suspect him of anything but i just want him to not hide stuff intentionally. And when i explained that to him, he disagreed and said that he would continue to not tell me about girls hitting on him and i guess some of the times when he's at a bar. For a jealous person, knowing that is like letting my imagination run wild. We also talked aout facebook and i've told him in a sarcasic way how he has a fan club who always likes pictures of him and comment on how hot he is but never ever like pictures of oth of us. It's actually pretty amazing. They respond within seconds to his pic but yet when he updated his relationship status to say he's with me,only one of his friends liked it! Anyway, i feel rather hurt and miserale right now nd i don't know what i should do. If he wants to continue not telling me about certain things, then i pretty much know the relationship is going into a wall. Why can't a guy be open and not always think that its going to make me jealous. Why don't they understand that the best thing you can do is to actually be open and by doing so show me that there is no threat?
View related questions:
cheated on me, facebook, insecure, jealous, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Anastasia  +, writes (9 June 2012):
 Hi,
I totally get that the crux of a relationship is honesty and trust. But by the same token no man likes to be nagged.
I think he wants to be open and honest with you but what you have to appreciate is that the same reason why you are insecure because of your past experiences...is the same reason why he would think twice about telling you things..because of his past sharing with you and it ending up to be an argument. Men are not creatures of arguments...they actually like peaceful surroundings unless they are fighting a war or something. If everytime he shares an event or an experience with you and it blows up into an argument...what sane man will want to do that again. If you sensibly and logically weigh the options....tell her and have an argument and hear nagging....or don't tell her...peace and tranquility is kept. He would pick not telling you because quarrels eat at people's nerves. And honey, the best way to push away is with constant petty arguing.
If he tells you he isn't doing something....and there is no evidence contrary to that...then let it go. YOU need to deal with your insecurities from your previous relationships. This is a new one and all the crap from the other relationships are filtering into this one and you are making him pay for it. There is no harm is talking to someone professional about it...most women have to deal with this outside of their relationship that they are currently in.
No matter who you are with....this will always affect you.
Give the guy a break. You're going to push him away constantly calling on him to relay every instance a girl hits on him. Trust him enough to know that he won't give in to it. And him relaying stories to you...isn't helping your insecurities by the way.
Get some help for this before you lose this guy
|
