A
female
age
26-29,
*TheAlmightyDuckx
writes:I broke up with my boyfriend today... and I really really need some help. We hadn't been together for much longer than a month.. but we had dated 3 years a go for 9 months. He was my first for everything and even though he was both violent to me and manipulative all them years a go I gave it another try. This boyfriend of mine had been pursuing me for 3 years... he would message me once every three months, sometimes they would be nice messages and sometimes they wouldn't be, but one day he got me at the right moment and for some odd reason I was silly enough to think he may of changed. He seemed different, he seemed less angry, more kind.. it took me weeks and weeks of convincing but eventually I got with him. Before this recent relationship I had not had as much as a hug from anyone for almost 2 years. I hadn't been in any kind of relationship or done anything like that... to be honest I had become a complete and utter recluse.. so when he came back having someone there was amplified by a hundred. One of the main reasons we broke up was because he didn't like the relationship I had with my friends.. he stormed off a few days a go because I accidentally called him the name of my friend and was talking about my holiday I was going to go on. He said I had been talking about it too much which seemed silly to me. When we actually broke up I tried to sort things out with him... but he was adamant that there was nothing that could be done.. so I reluctantly left. He then started ringing me later on which I ignored but eventually I gave in to it and started texting him....he kept on changing his mind... one second he was saying he wanted nothing to do with me and the next he was begging me not to leave. And as per usual the reason we broke up was all my fault. I ended up going to see him... I had a bit to drink at the time and he had been convincing me on the phone... after I left he started texting me.. talking about suicide... I was trying to convince him to not do anything silly but he kept on going back to it... eventually he stopped replying and I spent the whole night messaging him as I was worried he had done something... I couldn't get to his house either so I literally spent the entire night just trying to get him to respond. I then got a message today saying thanks for being concerned... I then got very angry at him as he pretty much was sat there looking at all my messages and not replying despite me thinking he could be in serious danger... he then proceeded to tell me how I MADE him do it.. and how I made him feel that way and he wasn't going to be made to feel guilty about that and I was the problem, and I left him so I deserved to feel awful and he had every right to do that because I was the one who drove him to that point. I pretty much crumbled after that... I felt utterly worthless and he then proceeded to tell me to leave him alone but at the same time was trying to convince me to get back with him... I will admit I did cry for him not to leave, but according to him I have mind fucked him completely and I should feel awful for what I have done... I was so desperate today I even said I would get back with him if it'd make him happy as I didn't really want to break up with him but part of me knew it was the right thing to do. I want to know if this was all a part of manipulation? Because I don't know if I have genuinely done something awful or if this is him just deceiving me again... I tried to be as sensible as I could about this situation.... please don't be too harsh... Is this just what kinda person he is? Should I never go back again? Or am I genuinely to blame for all this?
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female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (18 March 2015):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you very much :) All of your words have been kind yet true and I can now see where you are all coming from.
We were stuck in an endless cycle, and even though I did plan to have a serious relationship with him, our lives were too different and he had some serious issues that he needed to work through on his own.
He lived in a hostel and I have a home... he would get frustrated because he couldn't come in and my friends could... I could see where he was coming from, but it was my parents who decided they did not want him in the house and as it is their house and I respect that I wasn't willing to go against their decision as they did have a reason for not wanting to let him in.
I agree with all of you... I couldn't change him as the issues he had, he needs to change himself. Most of the bad decisions which he has made in his life have all come down to his anger and I very much agree when you say he could well have a split personality disorder or something such as schizophrenia... I have brought this up and at the end of it, if he wanted to sort it that bad he would go to the doctors. We have now broken up for good, and being alone is not a good enough reason to take him back... and tbh I can deal with that, I have friends and family who love me dearly and that is all I need :) Thanks again for the advice.
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Being a recluse and missing company are not reasons to get back with an ex. At least you gave him a chance but he showed you he didn't change. Perhaps he was suddenly single and was trying his luck on you. He probably uttered the same nonsense to his ex and was just regurgitating the same pain with you. He was the one who mind fucked you. I had an ex like that and I couldn't last 3 months with him. Borderline sounds right to me. Love can't fix it.
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A
female
reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (6 March 2015):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe have argued a lot... over stupid things normally that he would take out of proportion.
I have got rid of him.. today has been very hard as he expected us to just keep on talking like normal.. he has told me he loves me and all of that shit and it has been utterly awful.
I will admit I am finding the whole on my own part rather hard, I miss him so much and I just find it all so hard as I did spend a very long time learning how to be on my own and now I have to do it all over again. I don't really know how I am gonna cope, because I find losing people very very hard. Part of me just wants to find anyone to talk to so I ain't just sitting here on my own.
Thank you for your advice, I guess I will find another way through this.
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A
female
reader, RubyBirtle +, writes (6 March 2015):
Google "Borderline Personality Disorder" - does this match your boyfriend?
Yes he is manipulative - to threaten suicide and make someone worry just to get want you want or just to make them feel bad... all highly manipulative.
It's not your fault. It's the way he is and you wont be able to change that
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A
female
reader, Ciar + ♥, writes (6 March 2015):
 This is manipulation on his part - 100% and not your fault at all.
If he truly wanted to die, he'd go off somewhere and do it without a word to anyone. He wouldn't want anyone to try to talk him out of it or foil his attempts.
Everything he does is designed to keep you on your toes, constantly second guessing yourself. He wants you to focus on his feelings instead of his behaviour. It's a smoke screen.
Please make sure this guy stays an EX. He's a very toxic, TOXIC person.
This is on HIM, not you. Do not look back, do not contact him for ANY reason or respond if he contacts you, regardless of how much time has passed or how 'nice' he might seem some of the time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): Sounds like a toxic relationship. Alot of pulling back and forth. I say, evaluate how you feel about him. Tell him, you both need space to calm the f*** down because emotions are running high and no decision is made properly like this. Send him a text saying something like 'we both need space and to just think things over' are there alot of arguments? What are you benefitting from being with each other? Maybe you both are finding it hard to let go and think of a prospect of dating other people. Unless he can change, this really will end in tears over and over. Endless cycle.
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