A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi I feel sick and utterly alone not being able to talk to anyone about my marriage. There is nobody I feel I can be absolutely honest with and the one person I should do my husband I don't want to hurt. We have been married 9 years and have 4 children. I feel that having babies has kept us together but for the wrong reasons. I can focus all my attention on them which fills the whole I feel in the rest of my life. My husband works really long hours persuing a job he really enjoys which means he is rarely home M-F to see the kids and enjoy any quality time as a family. The point is we don't rely on his income so who is he doing it for other than himself. I love being a mum but I really don't think I love my husband anymore. We have not had sex since baby number four came along. I avoided it as long as possible citing breast feeding as the excuse now I just have to say that I don't feel like it but the truth is I don't find him attractive and have not done for a long time. I just got on with it and I don't think I'm prepared to continue to do so anymore. He says he loves me the whole time which just makes me feel uncomfortable and I can't reciprocate the words. The only thing that has kept me from being honest with my husband and saying all these hurtful things is the kids.I realy don't know what to do? I'm 35 years old and if I just continue as we are concealing my feelings and going through the motions I feel like I'm loosing out on my chance of enjoying life and more importantly being happy.Any advice/comment +ve/-ve welcome. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, carol314  +, writes (30 April 2013):
I don't think I love my husband anymore. I was head over heals in love with him for many years, I found he was having a relationship with a little hottie at work about 20 years ago. it crushed me, but we moved on. I am a stay at home mom. I spend my life taking care of all the people around me. I love helping people. My husband makes a good living, we have been able to do lots of things because of his job. problem is he, he belittles me in front of people, he always makes jokes about me cheating on him. He claims everything is his. I am depressed and just realized it is because I dont love him anymore. I have spent the last 20 plus years trying to make him happy
A
female
reader, Gypsii +, writes (27 November 2008):
First, I detect in you a great deal of anger and resentment. More specifically, the underbelly of what you're sharing is that you may be feeling that you that your husband abandoned you for a job that he loves and is happier being away from the home. Therefore, you're bitterly angry with him because he has somewhat of a defined passion and you don't. In essence, what's operating is that you already feel like a single parent and you resent it.The bottom line is that, like most women, you want your husband's support and attention. More specifically, you want him to see you for whom you really are, to do the little things that convey that you're the most important and most treasured jewel in his life. On the other hand, an additional conflict seems to be the normal struggle of raising kids. You have four of them and likely love them to death. However, the harsh reality is that having for kids is an all consuming job and it's hard to find you in all of them...including your husband whom it seems is, to you, somewhat of the 5th child!At this point, I would not suggest divorce because, at current, while you may be feeling that you don't need your husband the reality is that your children do. In fact, my grandmother always said "just because you don't need the man, it doesn't mean that your children don't." There are four other people involved in your situation so, unless the relationship is abusive beyond repair, it can be salvaged.I'd suggest that you talk to your husband about how you're feeling. Let him know that you're a bit depressed, feel lost and consumed, and are having difficulty with intimacy, etc... Trust me, he won't be surprised by any of this. Then, tell him that you're going on a personal retreat or rather a long weekend away to spend some time being pampered. Leave him to care for the children, pack your bags, and go to a wonderful health spa. Get fully pampered, pray, cry, read a good book, journal, and just allow yourself to be catered to! Don't phone home throughout the entire weekend...just be.You're in desperate need of adult companionship and also in need of a rediscovery of yourself. Your husband can't make you happy and, believe it or not, he never could. We've got to be happy with ourselves first and foremost and then look to our relationships for companionship not fulfillment. I'm really glad that you had the courage to reach out. I hope that you will see in this response compassion because a lot of what you're experiencing is about you. So many women can identify with feeling as you do and experience has taught me that happiness is a choice that we all must make. We have to choose to open our hearts to all of the beautiful things that are available to us including reconnecting with ourselves in ways that make it possible for us to parent, be a spouse, and enjoy the life that we're given. Don't be afraid to step out into the world beyond just your social roles. Your husband nor your children can make you happy, you need to be happy in yourself first and always. Before you can express your needs to him, you simply have to know what it is that you're lacking.Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): You are trying to cope the best you can and I really feel for you because I have exactly the same problem as you but without the kids. I don't feel there is any chance of getting my sex life back but because I care I cannot say. The fact is I don't think either of you can be happy and the only way you are going to get a resolution is by telling him. You owe him honesty even if you end up separating. It sounds as if it could be possible for you to trial a separation and still have him taking a very active role with your children. You can do things in stages it doesn't have to be a drama of you leaving a note and running off with the kids. However if you are deeply this unhappy I would just get a day together - doesn't matter how you do it get someone to look after the kids. Sit down with a cuppa - nothing more complicated - and say you have been unhappy for such a long time and don't feel you can go on like it. Ask him how he feels too... his answers may surprise you or they may help you both make some decisions. Start from there. You can be sensitive about it - you don't need to say "I just don't love you any more". Whatever the outcome you are absolutely right that at 35 (children or no children) you deserve happiness.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (27 November 2008):
 I'd like to add one more thing. Please do not try to deal with this alone. People often spin into depression and lose focus. If this site was your first step on the road to fixing this problem....you've made progress already. Also, some of the other advice mentions what your husband should or shouldn't be doing and what he should be thankful for. While I agree, I'd like to say again that it is unfair of anyone to knock his actions if he is ignorant about the problem. Are relationships often develop and we define our roles within them. It isn't until we discover something is unbalanced or unfair that we redefine our roles. This is impossible though without communication.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (27 November 2008):
Are you a wealthy family. I only ask because it is important to remember your husband is supporting 6 people on his income. It sounds as though you are a little stressed out too. You enjoy being a mother and caring for the kids and he enjoys his job. That can be a win/win situation. It's important to remember that it is his income that allows you to have the option to stay home with the kids you love. Many mothers would love that option and don't have it. That doesn't make his position more important that yours but it has to be recognized as a vital part of the equation. The reason I mention it though is because it sounds like you're taking a shot at him because he actually likes his job.
Part of the problem is the fact you've kept these feelings inside. As we dwell on negative thoughts and feelings resentment often builds. Since you didn't mention that you've discussed this with your husband, I'll assume you didn't. That makes this issue your problem. It's actually his problem too but he doesn't have the benefit of knowing about it. If he did he might have moved to resolve the issues.
Instead of dealing with the problems, you've lied about why you're not having sex and built a wall around yourself on other issues. Your husband is in a war, with his marriage at stake, and he doesn't even know it. Unless you forgot to mention that you HAVE discussed this with him the ball is in your court. If you are inclined to put the work into saving the relationship, you need to take the first step as a couple. As an individual you've already admitted there is something wrong. Keeping that bottle up has only made it worse.
Many people never recognize issues until it's too late. You should feel lucky that you've identified a problem exists. I fear you might be feeling down though and can't see the forest for the trees. In my opinion it is really important to open the lines of communication with your spouse. He needs to know what is happening. It is unfair of yo to keep him in the dark. He may feel he's doing all the correct things a man should do. He needs to understand your feelings. Until he knows differently he thinks things are fine. Be open, honest and controlled. Remember his good points and try to find help as a couple. Be happy you discover this now. Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 November 2008): Hi thereIt may seem easier to look outside for other possibilities but life usually does throw this kind of issue in the path of long relationships. Those who get past them have the chance of very deep and meaningful ones. Once you give up your nuclear family, even if you do find someone else one day, it will never be the same. Never. There are always issues in step families. My parents stayed together and I thank God for my childhood. I did not manage to stay with the father of my son. I dated. I met an alcoholic, a gambler, a sex addict who paid for sex and an emotional abuser. It is not the easy option to give up a stable relationship, it is extremely hard work after that, actually. You need every ounce of judgement, common sense and worldliness. Terrifying.The best thing you could probably do is not give up yet. If you haven’t even expressed any feelings to your husband how can you expect anything to improve. It looks like you may be holding on to a lot of resentment and the communication between you is nil. I recommend seeing a counsellor who will help you start speaking to each other again. I would guess that this relationship will take while to put back together but honestly it will be worth it if you can. Of course if you decide to split up even after working hard to save it, then that will be sad but totally understandable. At least you would both know you tried. This stand-off is not healthy and it seems so common that folk give up, half expecting the other to know their thoughts even though they have said nothing. If there has been a slow drift why didn’t you say something before? Your feelings about sex could originate from many things and if your husband is a good guy he maybe could be given the chance to help you find your intimacy with him again. Maybe you are sick of being Mumsy.The key is to find your own happiness and not look to your husband to provide it. Perhaps you a just a bit bored with being mainly identified as a mother and perhaps you have other skills which you should have developed. I have a feeling that you feel a bit abandoned by him and it looks as though you have a point. If you end up alone though you will have to be even more Mumsy. Find out what you want to do, make plans, tell him how he needs to help and get on with it. Then see whether you value each other any more. He will either step up to the mark or he will not. If the relationship is going to stand a chance you will have to do something for yourself for once.
...............................
A
female
reader, xxaziexx +, writes (27 November 2008):
 : ( its sad, and youll probly find if you did split up youd miss him sometimes, however you have to think whats best for YOU! my nan stayed in a relationship untill she was 60! just because she wanted too keep the family together but now shes moved on and is sooo happy! and she still has her family around all the time. have you tried making things a little more exciting between you two? like go out for a meal, or the cinema do all the things you used to do, i know its hard with kids but im sure your family wouldnt mind looking after them for a while. try getting your sex life back. but if you dont think you can happy with him any more its time to move on and you can sort arangements out with the kids and who has them when, theyll understand one day but dont rush away from him, maybe you both just need some fun 'you' time :) good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Miss Potter +, writes (27 November 2008):
 Hi there. 4 kids is a huuuuge responsibility and it seems that it is all lying on your shoulders. You pointed out that you dont rely on his income. So if he is not the provider, he is not the father he should be, then you are pulling all the domestic weight on your own.
To enjoy your work and career can be an immensely rewarding experience, but when you decided to have kids it wasn't just your decision, it was his too. And with making that decision should have come the responsibility of being a father.
I think the problem here is that he doesn't give you enough support, which has made you feel depressed, alone, unwanted, taken for granted, upset and frustrated. Which has lead you to not loving him anymore.
The good thing is that he tells you he loves you, which is probably true, why would he lie about it, but also HOW HARD IS IT NOT TO LOVE A WOMAN WHO HAS MADE HIS LIFE SO STRESS FREE AND EASY?
I think you should talk to him, maybe dont give him the whole story straight away as it will probably will come out of the blue to him, he is not a mind reader, most men arent.
Before you will talk to him you will have to know yourself what you want. Do you want to keep this family together? It wont be an easy transition for him from a enjoyable life-style that he has got at the moment to becoming a proper dad and family man, but if he loves you as he says he does he will make the effort to become a better man for you. He has to know that this is serious for you, and that you are on the verge of giving up on the family. If he loves you and the kids he will not risk losing you.
Take care :)
...............................
A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (27 November 2008):
 Hi there,
Is there anyway the two of you could go seek some counseling together? For the partner, especially the one who is home alone with kids while the other partner leaves, there is a disconnection with not just him but with everything. How do you feel about the rest of your life? Could it be that you are feeling iscolated? Sometimes when we are not happy or feeling fulfilled, we blame the person closest to us when in reality it is ourselves who we need to make happy. Your husband needs to give you two things, some time together for just the two of you but he also needs to give you a break from the house and kids and allow you to go out and pursue some outside interaction. Movies with a girlfriend, shopping, or a chance to get into a hobby and give you a purpose other than a wife and mother.
Maybe give that a shot before you toss the marriage away. If you find that you are completely happy with life but you've grown apart from your spouse and it isn't reversible, then there is no reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship. You aren't doing you any favors nor your kids. I was at your place when I was 35 with a two year old. I stayed and endured the marriage and eventually found myself and rebuilt my self esteem as an individual, not a wife or mother. I found that the marriage wasn't working and I left 12 years later. For some reasons I wish I had left back then but for other reasons, I'm very glad I waited. Those reasons are..my daughter got to have more "daddy time"; I was in a safe (though not rewarding) relationship which allowed me to work on me getting hobbies and friends. When I did leave, I did not feel alone or lonely.
All the best to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, littlemomma +, writes (27 November 2008):
 Maybe you feel you dont love him 'cause you dont really know him anymore? I mean you truly dont get to spend time with just him between work and the kids. Which isnt anyone's fault just a fact of life.But that means you guys dont get any quality time to get to know eachother as individuals. Over years people change and if you dont keep "lighting the candle" or how ever you want to say it....you can loose track of who each other are as real people. Not just labels like wife/husband/mother/father ect. Does this make any sense?Maybe you should try having someone watch the kids for an afternoon (or what ever works best) and set up a time where you two can be alone and just be you. Maybe you'll see you do still love him or maybe you wont.You should also talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. Maybe not that you dont love him anymore, but that you feel you guys have drifted apart. Ask him why he married you, why he loves you. Who know's maybe he's feeling the same thing but is also afraid of hurting someone....About him working, presonally I think it's a guy thing. It seems to me that no matter what a guy needs to feel that he is taking care of his family and a job (even when not needed) helps him feel that he is doing something.Anyways, that's what I think and sugest. Hope it helpsBest wishes and Happy Thanksgiving!
...............................
A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (27 November 2008):
 You sound like your life is totally committed to the children which is good in a way but your own needs are being overlooked. If you really don't feel the same about your husband anymore you could either tell him about it or carry on until your children get older. It is usually the children that get hurt when a break up occurs so it may be worth thinking about unless it is so unbearable that you can't stand the situation anymore. Or you could try and find someone to babysit the kids while you and your husband go away for the weekend and you then can find out if there really is anything worth saving in your marriage. You are only 35 so there is plenty of time when the kids are grown to find yourself if you decide to carry on. You sound like a really great mother and should be proud of that achievement as well. Maybe if you decide to split from your husband you can remain friends and then the children will not be affected too much and you may become happier. hope this helps.
...............................
|
