A
male
age
16-17,
anonymous
writes:Hello!My boyfriend and I had been together for almost two and a half months now. Everything seemed fine, but then he confronted me and told me we had to break up. I didn't cope with it very good. I didn't realize what had happened, because I didn't want to, and I kept saying aloud "no!", and that I couldn't allow that. I realize now that I could have taken the message better, but what is done is done. In the end of our discussion he told me that although he wasn't capable of being in love with anyone at the moment, he wouldn't break up with me, but just retreat and keep to himself for a while. Later he sent me an SMS saying that he could not lie to me, that it was over and I had to move on.Now I will tell you why he broke up with me:He has a lot of things to work out in his life. He has to resolve some deep-going issues with his family, who being Italian are very close and dear to him, and he has decided that his mother will have to move out of their apartment (they share one apartment with two floors), so that he can have more privacy and care for himself without feeling a great responsibility for his mother and her wishes. He also says that he has to find himself, and find out who he is and what he wants to do with his life. He is 24 years old.I was crushed after his SMS. I planned my own suicide and desperately tried to contact him. I had been with some of my friends and talked it over, but I knew they couldn't help me. I am not ready to get over him, as this relationship seemed too good to let go so easily.So, hours before I intended to suicide (which I realize now was one of the most pathetic and stupid things I could have done), he contacted me. We talked things through, and he said some things that both hurt me and made me feel safe:- He said he didn't believe we would get back together, but I am not sure if he said that because he thinks that I am likely to move on and find someone else (which he has openly expressed), or because he does not have the same feelings for me any longer (he has told me that he is not in love with my any more, but I do not know if it is because of all the trouble going on in his life and is temporary or if it is permanent)- He said he needed time for himself, and did not need me to be there for him now, but that we could text eachother about once a day (just to give me a pinpoint of how much time he needed). I will do this, because I do not want him to forget about me. As I said I want to save the relationship, and I am confident that I do not want it to end now.- After a while (a week or two) we could meet each other and phone each other more often- He also promised me that whenever he had some spare time and a clear mind, he would think about me and try to make it work with us. I would do the same.- He told me that I need to be strong and to get on with my life as I have always done, and not put it on hold because of him.- He promised me that he was not holding anything back, or lying, but that he was confused about everything in his life and had no answers.I am very confused about him, and where I have him. I need this relationship to work, but I need help figuring out how to approach it. How can I make this work without scaring him off or making him forget about me?
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male
reader, q1605  +, writes (24 February 2008):
 I don't know. You may want to hear what duskyrowe says.I'm kind of in a friends with benefits row with my ex wide. If I tell her that i am giving her space but by god i will be here waiting until the heavens fall from the sky type remark. It just doesn't hit home quite like a good hard cold shoulder and some frosty indifference. They need to know that you arn't out there by yourself because you took a wrong turn. Your somewhere else because being in proximity to him compromises your self respect and your self esteem. That as you offered repeatedly, with no reservation, your company in any level he choose to accept it, and he rejected it.
Period end of story. You don't have to be a bastard ..and since you have been speaking, if you just call him and tell him diplomatically to fuck off you'll look foolish. It won't be congruent. Hers is what to do. Don't call don't text don't linger around where he might be. Let him wonder etc etc.
I almost forgot why I suggest such resolve. He reasons for breaking up are bullshit. Family issues ? c'mon. What does that have to do with you. They didn't drop from the sky did they. He's dealt with them before i'm pretty sure. And he needs to find himself. I bet he knows right where he is at mornings when he wants to rub one out. he is giving you the most cliched prompts and you are not seeing it. Has he also said that its not you its him. That he loves you but he's not in love with you. If you don't back way off it won't happen. In affairs of the heart I can be as clueless as they come but i will go out on a limb. If you don't leave him completely alone it will be over. I am sure of it. Don't let him know how you feel about anything. You've either already told him or with the you being there if he has a crisis ....he realizes that your not the kind of person that would abandon him in a time of need. His need is not that great. I am sorry for what i am going to say because it involves a stereo type. But gay mens threshold for melodrama is way the fuck up there. Like high. really really high. And your are caught up in it at that level .And to you it doesn't look as intense as it does to someone on the outside. But think like a straight guy just long enough to get your heart off your sleeve where it won't take so many direct hits. And go and google "no contact " and it will explain what you need to do. Its all about letting go. So they may not feel so pressured and may seek you out. But also so you can get some sanity and dignity as well. And if you put distance and he doesn't come back you are at a healthy place to start over and find something or somebody new.
A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (24 February 2008):
I don't know. You may want to hear what duskyrowe says.I'm kind of in a friends with benefits row with my ex wide. If I tell her that i am giving her space but by god i will be here waiting until the heavens fall from the sky type remark. It just doesn't hit home quite like a good hard cold shoulder and some frosty indifference. They need to know that you arn't out there by yourself because you took a wrong turn. Your somewhere else because being in proximity to him compromises your self respect and your self esteem. That as you offered repeatedly, with no reservation, your company in any level he choose to accept it, and he rejected it.
Period end of story. You don't have to be a bastard ..and since you have been speaking, if you just call him and tell him diplomatically to fuck off you'll look foolish. It won't be congruent. Hers is what to do. Don't call don't text don't linger around where he might be. Let him wonder etc etc.
I almost forgot why I suggest such resolve. He reasons for breaking up are bullshit. Family issues ? c'mon. What does that have to do with you. They didn't drop from the sky did they. He's dealt with them before i'm pretty sure. And he needs to find himself. I bet he knows right where he is at mornings when he wants to rub one out. he is giving you the most cliched prompts and you are not seeing it. Has he also said that its not you its him. That he loves you but he's not in love with you. If you don't back way off it won't happen. In affairs of the heart I can be as clueless as they come but i will go out on a limb. If you don't leave him completely alone it will be over. I am sure of it. Don't let him know how you feel about anything. You've either already told him or with the you being there if he has a crisis ....he realizes that your not the kind of person that would abandon him in a time of need. His need is not that great. I am sorry for what i am going to say because it involves a stereo type. But gay mens threshold for melodrama is way the fuck up there. Like high. really really high. And your are caught up in it at that level .And to you it doesn't look as intense as it does to someone on the outside. But think like a straight guy just long enough to get your heart off your sleeve where it won't take so many direct hits. And go and google "no contact " and it will explain what you need to do. Its all about letting go. So they may not feel so pressured and may seek you out. But also so you can get some sanity and dignity as well. And if you put distance and he doesn't come back you are at a healthy place to start over and find something or somebody new.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2008): I think I am doing the right thing.
He does have feelings for me, right after we texted a bit (informally) yesterday his facebook status was updated to "is sad but doing okay". He needs time to work this through, he is 24 and this is his last year at school, he has to go through stuff with his family and basically build his life. I can understand him, but he needs to know I am there for him. Today I'll send him a long text saying that he needs to think about himself, that I am doing well without him, but that we should spend time on our relationship. I hope he calls me soon.
Is this the right approach?
Thank you for all the replies!
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A
male
reader, q1605 +, writes (24 February 2008):
If this guy is claiming that he is confused and his life is a mess the last thing he needs is you making it more so. which is exactly what you do when you threaten suicide. You may get some short lived attention but in the end he will be farther away. The only way that you can show him he needs you is to not be where he can find you. Its a paradox, you would think that showing how much you bring to the table and how you round out someones life they will just see it like you and fall in. Once you have reached that point where they are keeping you at arms length you will never get that attraction back by putting yourself in front of them. They must see for themselves that you spiced up their lives. They must experience what things will be like without you around. And when they casually pick up the phone because it WOULD be nice for you to be around maybe a little bit they should find that you are not avaliable and are filling in the hole he left in your life and filling it with ease. Even if you are really miserable don't let them see it. Its sucks. These are the things that make me hate being in relationships. Its also made me be proactive and try and maintain things so I don't have to play catch up. Problem is, is that none of that is a promise you'll hook back up. But if you aren't meant to be with him you will be in a far better place to forge out on your own without him if you decide its not going to happen.. And no one really NEEDS another. NOT like that. You may want him so bad you can taste it. You may not be able to imagine life without him. But you got along for quite a while before you knew he existed and you can go it alone again. And if it doesn't work out and somewhere in the future you bump into this guy by accident, you will most likely wonder why you thought he was so great back in the day. Ask Duskyrowe about running into someone that you used to be totally consumed by and see them and feel nothing. It happens and it will happen with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Thank you! I see that you are right that he should make the first move. I am hurt, but I hope and believe that this might work. He does not want us to have sex now, but I need him to need me more. How do I make him trust me again, and let me bear some of his difficulties? I need him to need me again, so that his feelings for me can grow stronger. This is why I feel I am to blame for the break-up, because I rejected his feelings and was selfish for over a month, so he stopped needing me. I am hurt, and I need him now more than ever.
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe  +, writes (23 February 2008):
 You say he is sexually attracted to you, but is not in love with you. Please what ever you do, don't let him use you otherwise you this will make your problem even painful as it is.
You are worth much more than being some guy's sex toy, it will only mess your emotions even more if you let him use you like this. It seems he has made up his mind and only wants you when it suits him. It is very difficult being in love with someone when they won't return that love you give them. You are very young and vulnerable and he can see that, that is why I feel he is messing with your head when he says he has feelings for you and sexually attracted. This relationship will only work when two people put in the effort not one person. You cannot make him come back to you, otherwise he will see that you are needy and will drive him away even further. I have been there, and it hurts like hell when they don't recipricate with me.
I suggest you move on and hang out with your friends a bit more, make him see that you are not waiting for him to contact. By all means call him now and then, but personally I would let him make the first move.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): More information:I really need this to work. He said he still has feelings for me and is attracted towards me, but that he is not in love with me and that he needs time for himself. He is going through something challenging, and needs people to lean on. I need to be one of those people, but he does not need to lean on me now, maybe because I have not been there enough for him when he needed it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): duskyrowe, thanks for the reply, but I really want this relationship to work. I am utterly confused about this, but to clarify a few things I will post some more information:He stated just recently that he does have feelings for me, and is sexually attracted to me, but no longer in love with me.I have not been a good boyfriend lately, and I feel that I am responsible for the break-up, but I want to give it time and work this through.I am wondering what the best way to maintain contact with him is, and how I can succeed in this, but I am also very confused about his feelings, because of the break-up episode where he lied to me. I made him assure me that he was not saying things to spare my emotions again, and I think now he knows it will only hurt me more.P.S: I need this relationship to work. All is not yet lost, right?
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A
female
reader, duskyrowe +, writes (23 February 2008):
I am so sorry my darling, that your boyfriend finished with you. But you must be strong and get on with life, as you are very young and have a whole life ahead of you before you settle down with Mr Right. I am glad you saw sense not to take your own life, no man is worth losing your life over. I suggest you talk to a councellor about your break up, as I feel you urgently need help to get over it. He is a bit too old for you too at 24, maybe he thought that you was not mature enough to handle a serious relationship and felt he had to be cruel to be kind and break up with you.There are plenty more fish in the sea, look back on this as experience and put it behind you. (I know its very difficult) but take it from an old wise owl like me, things will definately get better. If you would like to privately message me, you are most welcome to I am glad to be of any help. Take care my love. Dusky xxxx.
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