A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Are some people not meant to find love, or do they find some way to pigeonhole themselves into a spot where it's really unlikely they'll find someone? Just venting some stuff out, skip if you're not a fan of walls of text.To get down to the brass tacks, my little sister is getting married next week and it's got me worried about my own love life. I know I'm being irrational and in the whole "things and reasons" sense there might some ulterior purpose as to why I'm not attached to someone.I'm 25 and I work and live in a college town, the college culture wraps the whole town like a Natty Lite swilling python. It's been about two years since I was an undergrad and I grew out of the party scene when I entered the workforce. While the frat/sorority scene drives most of the culture, there's a big "grad student/hipster twentysomething" subculture that I'm pretty involved in. I'm really more of a geek than anything; when I moved to this town, to take a job in media, I had to make a new social circle and I wound up making friends with my co-workers friends. I did make new "geek" friends on my own, but it took some time to find them. I didn't date all that much in college. I dated a co-worker who wound up going back to a sleezeball ex (who was also a co-worker, it was awkward) and another girl who wound up transferring schools. I asked out other people but got the usual rejections "have a boyfriend", "let's stay friends", "You know I'm a lesbian, right?". About a year and some change ago, I gave Internet dating a shot and met someone I was really into. We had to break things off because she was going for her doctorate at the time and wound up having to rewrite a good chuck of her dissertation. If was in her spot I'd have done the same thing, and it's not really my place to get in the way of what would make someone happy.I'll admit that I got clingy and that throws up a litany of red flags, but I had gone through a string of bad dates and this was person where there felt like there was potential. After that I checked myself into counseling to work some feelings out and see why I had been clingy. I didn't bother trying to date anyone while I was getting help, it was a time I needed to work some problems rather than finding new ways to have the same ones.It'd had been about year before I put myself out there again, the counselling had helped me work out a few things and I felt I was able to avoid making the same mistakes. Had a few first dates that didn't work out, sometimes they weren't really interested and sometimes I wasn't, and one time a date thought she was a vampire. That's how dating works. (hopefully with less vampires)Last summer was the last time I really dated anyone and there wasn't that "spark". I wound up telling her I think we're more meant to be friends than anything, and she was thinking the same thing. We still hang out from time to time and we've invited each other over for parties, sports teams, and the like. I try and keep the fact I'm still a virgin a secret, partly because it's not anyone else's business and that for a man it's pretty strange. I know that I can go to one of those seedy massage parlors by the highway, but I feel like the first time should be, for the lack of a better term, "special". After that, it can be all the women smuggled into the country I can afford, but the first time I want to be with someone who with me out of love, rather than an occupation. I've been trying to improve myself, I do some strength training and cardio a couple of times a week and I've been putting more effort into dressing nicer. I try and get out more: there's two trivia night's I compete in, I'm in a mixtape club, and I help run a quasi secret B-Movie night. I've read up on "game" and all it really says is "be confident in yourself" and the rest is just how trick the girls who made fun of you in high school into your bed.I know that I'm a nerdy guy and the girls who aren't into those kind of guys aren't for me, and in a college town the problem is more amplified than it is elsewhere. Truth be told, I think my generation's got a lot of problems with relationships, but that's a song and dance for another time. I wanna find someone who's got a good head, a kind heart, and and a couple of idiosyncrasies. I know people like that are out there, and I've met a few. This wedding just got me worried that'll end up alone.Feels good to let this out, geeze.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (26 April 2012):
 So glad you got that out of your system. :)
You have a great sense of humour, thats a benefit and asset for that future girlfriend you will have :)
Love usually finds us when we are not seeking of it, im a great advocate of, "love yourself before loving another", have fun getting to know and love yourself when your single!
For example before i met my boyfriend,
i came out of a horrible relationship with someone mean and nasty. I was hurt, devasted, i was so convinced i would never date again. I was so convinced i'd never love again.
I was so adamant to god that under no terms will i date a sleazeball again....lol
well after some time, i met my current boyfriend & he is wayyyyyyy better i can honestly say. My boyfriend came along when i least expected it (i wasnt even looking), i was busy working on my own self esteem lol
My advice to you is, dont give up.
Your still very young, dont judge yourself harshly,
geeky or not, your special as you are :)
Have fun, enjoy your time, dont be fixated so much on having someone, and she will come along at the right time. Believe that!
Its fine and perfectly ok to be a virgin, I agree with you; its good to save it for someone you love thats special to you :)
Your going to be fine :)
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