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I judge my friend and her lack of morals. Does that make me a jerk?

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Question - (4 November 2010) 10 Answers - (Newest, 5 November 2010)
A male United States age 51-59, *hawncaff writes:

I know a girl who I became friends with. She works as a model and is staying here on a visa. I am in graphics and I made her a Web site for free as a favor.

In the course of this Web site, I found out she has a past--and a present, too. About 3 years ago, she made a couple of adult videos in which she did very hardcore pornographic things with men. She has also worked as an escort, and she continues to do so on the side when opportunities arise. I found out the videos when I did searches for her on the Internet. I found out about the escort stuff because I wrote the people who made the video pretending I was interested in hiring her and they told me about her.

She is a beautiful girl from a poor, broken family overseas. She does not have a boyfriend but she has a romantic entanglement of sorts with a married man who tells her he loves her and is going to leave his wife for her eventually.

She can be a difficult person. She can be selfish, demanding, and sometimes a little stuck-up. Yet, she is beautiful, sweet, and usually down-to-earth. We became friends over the course of the year. I have a slight crush on her but I know she is not too interested in me romantically and is busy with the photographer. She has called me her close friend, however.

But I have found myself being very hard on her because of her actions. She is having an adulterous affair, and she is effectively a part-time prostitute. I wonder constantly if she can be a good person with these attributes. She denies she is doing escort now, and she lied about the married man, but I know it is all true, so I cannot talk to her about it. I doubt her affections with me, thinking it is practiced to get what she wants. After all, she is a professional.

My question then is:

Am I a bad friend in holding all this against her? Can she be a good person and do all this stuff? How do I know she is a sincere friend or if she is just acting with me as well. Maybe I am a jerk for judging her on all this, even though it all goes against my value system.

I welcome your feedback. Thank you.

View related questions: affair, crush, escort, married man, porn, prostitute, the internet

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A male reader, shawncaff United States +, writes (5 November 2010):

shawncaff is verified as being by the original poster of the question

shawncaff agony auntCindyCares, I sent you an email but want to thank you again for your input.

In response to what you wrote:

"Actions speak louder than words. See what she does. Is she behaving as a good friend to you ? Can you talk to her about your problems, does she take an interest in what goes on in your life, whether good or bad ? Does she at least try to give back what she gets, materially and emotionally ?.."

I wish I could answer yes, but the answer is unfortunately no. I guess you are right. I would not be asking these questions about her past if I felt she was a real friend in other realms. The harsh truth that I have not wanted to face is that she is really using me like her other "clients". I wish this story had a happy ending...sorry! But thanks so much for your help.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (5 November 2010):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't think the real problem is assessing if a woman with a tumultuos past and a shady present is capable of true feelings of devotion and affection. Just look around and you will see the answer is yes. Prostitutes are like anybody else-loving toward those they choose to love.

In my country we are flooded with "escorts " amd " masseuses " and the like from the poorest Eastern European countries : Albania, Rumenia, Montenegro, etc. These girls are usually very young and attractive and with what they make they could really live it up. Most of them in fact live a very normal, low key life outside business hours, because they send home nearly all they make to support their loved ones. Parents, children, siblings, -unemployed husbands and boyfriends.

So, the question is not if she can feel real feelings for a friend. The question is if she can feel real feelings for YOU, or in other words, if she DOES consider you a friend.

Actions speak louder than words. See what she does. Is she behaving as a good friend to you ? Can you talk to her about your problems, does she take an interest in what goes on in your life, whether good or bad ? Does she notice when you are sad, does she try to cheer you up ? Would she be available to make time or to change her schedule to assist you with something ( a special purchase, a visit to the doctor )? Does she at least try

to give back what she gets, materially and emotionally ?..

The free web site design for instance. That's a BIG favour in terms of monetary value ( btw I am surprised she needed this favour, being an escort one think she could afford to pay ). Did she ever try to make anything nice for you, no matter how minor, to show you her appreciation ?...

If the answer is yes, then you are fine. She is being a good friend to you, and one does not judge one's friends.

If the answer is no, ... then you are being fleeced and manipulated, and you are another person that she is using.

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A male reader, shawncaff United States +, writes (5 November 2010):

shawncaff is verified as being by the original poster of the question

shawncaff agony auntThanks, all, for the replies.

As CaringGuy said, she has a lot of damage, it is true. A lot of bad things have happened to her. And I am sure she has been used tremendously. I have tried not to use her and to see her as a person, not as a way to gratify myself. The thing is, though, I don't want to become cast in the role of "her savior". That never works, and I do not think it is possible for a person to save another. (That person has to want to be saved.)

She does have a very selfish side, and actually is self-centered. And as Maverick494 said, her charm and ability to manipulate men is how she is able to make a lot of money. What bothers me about her past and present is that it somehow makes me feel that she uses people herself.

**In other words: can a woman who has sex for money and says beautiful things to men she does not care about ever have a normal, caring relationship with another person, or will it always be about using them? **

I think about this when we have had fights. If I did not know about her "other life" I could understand her selfishness and self-centeredness as something that might change in time. But the fact that she uses words of endearment so carelessly, is intimate with people she does not care about, etc. makes me wonder if these traits are deep within her and whether she sees me as a means to an ends as well.

Thanks.

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A female reader, Maria-consuela Canada +, writes (5 November 2010):

Maria-consuela agony auntI think the reason you are being so tough on her is deeper than you realize.

I dont think you have the right to judge her for her past or present, because you arent in a relationship with her that is romantic. I also dont think you should ever begin this type of relationship with her unless you were fully comfortable accepting her past and current tendencies.

I think your judgement may be a reverse judgement of your feelings for her. You may be confused, anguished and frustrated that you have developed deeper feelings for this woman who seems so lost, flighty and unnattainable. A woman who doesnt fit the ideal girlfriend prototype or even the ideal female societal image.

Are you sure you arent maybe feeling upset that despite her sorted passed and psychological issues you still are interested in her.. You seem overly involved in learning her history and her hobbies, more than a usual friendly check up. Personally Ive never looked that deep into a friends past, and the only reason I could justify that level of snooping would be safety.

This girl has not lead you on, or treated you with disrespect so despite her career choice, and the company she keeps you need to be understanding and respect her as a person with a very different lifestyle.

If I am in any way correct by thinking that you care about her more than you are willing to admit and you are punishing her in response to your personal frustration - that isnt fair or morally right. You need to be honest with yourself about what you are expecting from this girl, and what the reality of what you can expect may be.

I dont think you are a jerk, I think you may just be infatuated or at least in deep lust and frustrated - and that doesnt make you a bad person. The fact that you have taken the time to pose the question and look deeper into it means that along with your affinity for introspection you are also a caring, kind guy. Just dont be the caring, kind guy who needs to correct or reform the world around him - you will never be satisfied with the results.

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A female reader, Sadaqah United States +, writes (4 November 2010):

Dear shawncaff,

I think that you're the only one who can decide for yourself if she is a good person or not. To me, regardless of what she does with her body or time, she sounds like a good person with a lot of baggage. Are you a jerk for judging her? No, because it's a human thing, but are you judging her from a purely objective standpoint or are you judging her based on the fact that you have feelings for her and want her to like you back? If you're going to maintain a relationship as a friend, be there for her as a friend, support her as a friend, and nothing else. If you are going to pursue her as a potential significant other, take steps in that direction. Make sure she is aware of your feelings so it doesn't seem as though you're springing a relationship on her. Above all, make sure you respect her, knowing all that you do about her because it proves to her that you're truly trustworthy.

Best wishes,

Sadaqah

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A reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2010):

CaringGuy makes a good point about how her background has probably led her down the path she's on.

Something no one has brought up is that she's not an American. Other countries are much more liberal about sexuality, and so some of the things you find so horrible probably aren't so horrible to the same extent in her home country. And in some cases, in other countries (I don't know her nationality, sorry), women are forced starting as a young age to be sex workers, which follows them for the rest of their lives unless they can get help to get out.

If you don't like her past, you don't have to be friends with her, but promiscuity isn't contagious.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (4 November 2010):

Hmm I gave it some more thought and I have to say the question whether she is really trustworthy or not is a valid one. In her profession, manipulation and charm are pretty much the basic requirements. It's hard to say. But anyway, like I said, don't poison your mind by being judgmental because you won't be any better than her that way.

Oh and one more thing. I said you were a jerk. what I meant is that by doing this (holding all that stuff against her and digging it all up) you're acting like a jerk. And you don't sound like you want to be one. So keep enough distance so you can see things clearly.

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A female reader, maverick494 United States +, writes (4 November 2010):

Let's start off with the obvious: this girl is not your friend. You have a crush on her. And I think this is why you are reacting the way you do. You're jealous because you can't have her but at the same time you're relieved because her less than honorable profession makes you feel superior in status. So to answer your question: yes, you're a jerk.

To be honest, I don't think you're in any position to judge her. She didn't share her past with you; you dug it up yourself. You don't share her background and you haven't walked where she has walked. There are jerks of people in honorable professions and nice people doing what people higher in society look down on.

What she chooses to do with her life is her business, not yours. Your curiosity got the better of you and you dug deep and now you found dirt. Pretending to be interested in her services as a means to gain information is what sharks do and it doesn't speak highly of your own morals.

Make a decision to either accept her AND her past or end the contact entirely. Anything in between won't work.

Sorry if I'm harsh, but you asked and here's my answer.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (4 November 2010):

Forgot to say that I don't think you're a jerk. You're not.

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A male reader, CaringGuy United Kingdom +, writes (4 November 2010):

Sometimes what we learn about people can shock us. And as humans we can be quick to judge. There's nothing wrong with that, since everyone does it.

But you mentioned some things here that point to why this woman is the way she is. She's poor, and comes from a broken family. That's basically a disaster. Deep down this girl is probably a huge mess. She doesn't really have a family, she's spend her life being used, and ultimately the only really way she could get out of the mess was to sell herself. Yes, she is also having an affair. She's probably deluded herself that this married man loves her. Just another person using her.

Is she a good person? Hard to truthfully judge. You can be a good person, but you can screw up big time. And appearances can be deceiving. Some of the nastiest people I've ever met are those who come across as nice. Seriously, I once watched a woman who goes to Church walk past a child who had tripped up and bust its nose. She didn't care in the slightest.

Truth is, this woman is a mess. And you're probably the only friend in the world that she really has. Make sure you never take it further than that. Be a friend to her, but nothing more. I don't think this woman has much else.

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