A
female
age
51-59,
*owJustWow
writes:I am a 42-year-old woman who just found out that her partner of 2 years has been visiting prostitutes. I ended the relationship yesterday afternoon when I found solid proof that he had been lying to me about his internet porn use, but got the final nail in the coffin last night when I found absolute proof that he had been frequenting escorts the entire time we were together (yes, even at the beginning, when he was courting me, so it has nothing to do with me having done something to "make" him pay for sex; he was already doing it).The question I have is this: Is it normal that I just feel relieved? Okay, not just relieved; there's some anger, and sorrow, and numbness; but relief seems to be the dominant emotion right now. At points, I'm almost giddy.There is a child involved, and I will always love her very much, but her mother has already assured me that I will remain a part of her life, no matter what has happened with her father. So, while the relationship with her will be different, at least it's not over. That would have been my biggest regret, and certainly was something I considered when breaking up with him over the porn. I considered staying and working it out for her.He was a fantastic partner: expressive, affectionate, kind, giving, and an attentive lover [although I had been seeing red flags for a long time that something was up, as he became less and less interested in having sex with me, staying up late at night, not answering his calls as promptly as I know he does when he's near his phone, I developed genital warts (which could be explained away based on his/my former partner's behavior) etc.].But, what I know about him now is that he is an habitual liar. When I began to suspect that he was lying to me, I actually gave him a "get out of jail free card" and told him that if he wanted to come clean about his porn habits, I would be willing to work with him in the relationship to find a win/win situation. We had one of our "amazing" conversations where it felt like we were laying everything out on the table for each other and building trust and intimacy. Everything we discussed was revealed as a lie the next day.Even after providing proof of his use/abuse (I dug deep on his computer and found reams of files dated as much as as years previously, and as recently as the day before), he continued to lie about it. He came to my apartment while I was doing a google search of his msn address, so I walked away from my computer. He cried and pleaded, and told me he would "forgive" me for violating his trust by looking on his computer, if only we could keep our "family" together. He went so far as to suggest that someone had hacked his computer and planted the history.Occam's Razer suggests that given two explanations for a situation, the simplest and most obvious is usually accurate (or something along those lines). If it looks like a duck...I made him go away (thank god I hadn't given up my apartment and only had to move belongings from his apartment); about 20 minutes later, he e-mailed me "proof" that he wasn't abusing porn. Oddly enough, one of the things that made me go looking turned out to be pretty innocent.In the meantime, I found the escort site. There just aren't enough coincidences in the world for the profile not to be his: his MSN chat e-mail address, a version of his name, his writing style, dates and times that corresponded with times when he wasn't with me (I keep pretty accurate records in my daybook), and physical descriptions (including questions about his facial hair at the same time he was growing a beard).I sent him an e-mail telling him not to bother sending me any more "proof" because I knew about the prostitutes. His response: What? Still trying to act like he didn't know what was going on. I don't think this man could tell the truth if he was told lying would kill him.My first instinct was to just cut off all communication and not feed his need for attention (becuase I'm assuming that's what he was getting from the prostitutes; I was clearly just a front for his lifestyle, so he could appear to be a "good family man"). But, having experienced his efforts to get me back before (I broke up with him during the early stages our our relationship because something about him just didn't sit right; but he wouldn't leave me alone, and he promised me the most beautiful love I could imagine), I knew I had to find a way to make it clear that there was to be no more talking.I ended up going back to the escort site to gather evidence and created an e-mail with links, complete evidence of what I had found, and with the clear message that there was no lie he could possibly tell me now that would make me change my mind and that he was to stop harassing me. Going to his profile, I found that he had logged on almost immediately after I called him on the escorts and blocked the fake profile I had created so I could get more information about his activity. Again, there just aren't enough coincidences in the world.Anyway, I knew I was dooming the relationship whether or not I found something: Either he violated my trust, or I violated his.So, reading all of that, I'll ask again: Is it normal that I feel relieved, or at peace? Or is there something a bit emotionally wrong with me, too?
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female
reader, WowJustWow +, writes (17 February 2011):
WowJustWow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFlorida Cat Girl:
He has not acknowledged to me that he has a problem; therefore there is nothing that I can do to help him. Sending him the information is the equivalent of leading a horse to water; I can't make him drink.
Because we weren't married, and because I was smart enough to wait to move in with him, it really isn't that hard for me to walk away from him; his daughter, yes, but not him.
As for a pattern of lying: Who knows? My understanding of his addiction is that everything he does is to protect himself from getting caught or having to give up his stimulus, so I'm sure he has lied about a LOT of things.
Of course, if he came fully clean and demonstrated an interest in living a healthy life, I would do everything possible to offer my support; but I would never get back together with him. I don't want to give up that sense of relief that I wrote about.
And I can't actually help him overcome his addiction; he has to do that himself. And he has to want to do that himself.
Since he's not calling to apologize, I'm going to assume he's not in recovery; therefore, each day I have no contact with him is a day that I can take care of myself and get on with the business of life. And outside of this nasty business, my life is really good. Now that I know the truth, it's going to get a whole lot better.
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (15 February 2011):
 I think you may be right about his sex addiction. How often was he seeing escorts? And is he still seeing them? From what I’ve heard, sex addiction is very difficult to overcome. I do think he needs help, and it is very thoughtful of you to assist him in finding the help he needs.
If he decides to see a therapist again, is it possible for you to join him during one of his sessions, or would you feel comfortable calling the psychologist to give him/her your perspective of things. The reason I suggest this is because I somehow doubt he will feel comfortable admitting his true problems… sex addiction, lies, etc. From what you’ve shared with us, it doesn’t sound like he was open and honest about his problems with his last therapist.
Another thing that concerns me is his ability to lie. Even when he was confronted with undeniable proof, he still failed to come clean with the truth. Instead, he deflected the blame onto you for looking through his computer. I’m curious, how often does he lie? Does he lie only about the escorts? Or have you caught him in other lies?
Where do you see things going from here? Are you hoping to rekindle the relationship if he seeks help?
Thank you for the updates. I hope you will continue to keep us posted. Stay positive!
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A
female
reader, WowJustWow +, writes (15 February 2011):
WowJustWow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,After doing more research, I believe that this man has a sex addiction. He is not psychotic, but is ill and can get help if he chooses to.I have sent him information pointing him in the direction of help, and hope for his daughter's sake that he will seek the help that he needs.I am not angry, and I have forgiven him.I certainly won't have anything to do with him ever again, but in order to recover my values, I have to live by them. This means I can feel compassion for him and the pain he experiences every day that he lives with his illness.I was pointed toward an excellent online program that helps addicts and their partners. The partner recovery program has already been of enormous assistance, as was your feedback in the first few days.No longer in shock, I am grieving and working toward a much healthier life.
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A
female
reader, Justicepleaze +, writes (7 February 2011):
VERY NORMAL!!! Now you can get on with your life.
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A
female
reader, WowJustWow +, writes (7 February 2011):
WowJustWow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo all:
Thank you so much. Everything you say gives me reassurance and I will prepare myself for the next stage of grief.
FloridaCatGirl:
I've been doing a lot of reading, and I believe that I am dealing with a sociopath; therefore, therapy won't help him. In fact, he was seeing a therapist when I met him (to help him deal with the pain of his marrage; yeah, right). He liked to tell me how much his therapist respected him and how his therapist thought he was exceptional.
Trust me, I had all kinds of indicators right from the beginning that there was something wrong with this guy (broke up with him twice, but he wouldn't leave me alone and told me everything I wanted to hear).
I will not give him any more attention or opportunity to maniputlate me. I will pass him on the street like I don't know him. If he tries to visit me at work (and he did this the last time), my boss has told me to shut myself in my office and she will deal with him. If necessary, I will take out a restraining order.
And if it comes right down to it, and he starts to slander my reputation, I will let him know that I have evidence to hand to his ex-wife that will allow her to take his daughter from him. The only reason I haven't done this already is because that kid has been through enough trauma in her life. I have no doubt that she will be safe with him, since his main persona is "good dad".
I'll get therapy, because it will help me; but I'm sure he'll go back into therapy to replace the ego strokes he was getting from me. Because now I know that he LOVES to dupe intellent people, and the more educated and intelligent, the better.
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (7 February 2011):
This guy has some serious issues. It's hard to believe someone would continue to lie, even when confronted with solid proof! I love how he completely deflected the blame when he told you, "he would "forgive" me for violating his trust by looking on his computer." Unbelievable.
I imagine you are feeling relieved and a bit giddy because you are finally back in control of your life! This is completely normal. In addition, you have finally kicked him to the curb. This may give you a feeling of satisfaction because he is now the one who is hurting. In the end, he has only himself to blame for this breakup. However, this man probably views himself as the "victim".
When was the last time you heard from him? Is he still trying to get back together with you? You are smart enough to know things will never work out with a man like him. I do hope he gets some professional help though. Have you suggested this to him?
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (7 February 2011):
 It's perfectly normal to feel relief after making any kind of significant or difficult decision. Making that kind of decision is stressful and so once you've made it you feel relieved.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (7 February 2011):
 The worst pain in this situation was not knowing, feeling the floor shake under your feet and ready to drop. The tremendous sense of anxiety you felt was evident in the way you doggedly investigated the truth by searching on the Web sites and on Google. Of course, now you feel relief. It is not so different from someone tortured by the anxiety of not knowing where a loved one is or waiting for the results of an important medical test. If there is terrible news, then of course there is horrific grief--but there is also relief in knowing the truth. Then one can develop an attitude about it and begin to heal. If a wound is still open, it can never heal.
The poster below me is right in saying the full extent of this has not hit you yet. There unfortunately will be more pain to come as the reality sets in of what happened. But now you know the truth, and with support you will be able to move on.
One thing that struck me in what you wrote was this:
"We had one of our 'amazing' conversations where it felt like we were laying everything out on the table for each other and building trust and intimacy."
I had a relationship last year that had moments of extreme 'honesty' like the one you describe--except it was all lies. The person looked at me with such sincerity and disarming humility that I was sure she was telling me the truth about how much she desperately needed money. I later found out she was working as an escort--and was making more money than I was and had tens of thousands of dollars in the bank. My point here is not to vent (okay, maybe a little!) but to emphasize what you pointed out: that there are some people who are inveterate and "professional" liars. It is incredible how sincere they are can seem, almost as if they fool themselves that they are not lying. Nothing will change them. You should feel proud that you are intelligent and objective enough to have discovered this early enough. It took me thousands of dollars before I did.
You deserve to feel relief. It has been very traumatic for you. Just do not doubt yourself and don't go back to him, and allow the healing to begin.
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A
female
reader, WowJustWow +, writes (7 February 2011):
WowJustWow is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks. I appreciate the non-judgemental approach to your response, and your advice to get tested for STIs.
My concern over my sexual health is of primary concern right now, and I was already planning to head to our local sexual health clinic today (Monday). Sadly, I already have an HPV infection from this man, but we were both able to "justify" it based on the sexual history of his last partner, and the fact that these infections can take years to show any symptoms. I won't be surprised if there are others, and I am already steeling myself against the worst possible outcome.
I also have an appointment booked with a therapist, because this isn't the first time I've bet on the wrong horse, and I so clearly need help in understanding why I ignore red flags in a relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): I suppose that after something like this almost any reaction is normal, and that reaction will vary from day to day and week to week.
The full import of what you have been through hasn't hit yet.
You do need to go to the doctor and get fully checked out for STD's and make sure Hepatitis C and HIV are tested for. The Hepatitis C and HIV testing need to be repeated as well.
Good Luck.
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