A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i've recently got close to a man that i used to work with. it started with a text to let me know he had managed to gain some payment that he had been owed for a long time and from there we have started to text chat and then phone calls, he rings me day and night and the longest call, last night lasted for 5 hours. we talk about anything and everything. he is a real thinker and so am i. we plan to meet this Saturday. i am scared though because he is so charming towards me, and he just seems to say the right thing all the time. how do you know if someone is genuine or if they are just saying what they know women want to hear? i am very insecure with this sort of stuff anyway, although i don't let it show, i am on my guard and my plan is to stay guarded even though i would just love to let go and surrender to it.
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male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 I felt the same: that loving the person would be enough to "bring them around." And of course we are not the only ones to think this. The problem is that we are human beings too, with our own needs. The love that these people need is so overwhelmingly great, it would take several lifetimes to fill it. We are not their parents and we are not God.
But if this incident made you realize that you are ready to find love again, then it was worth it. I have realized the same in my own life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know, its a sad situation when stuff like this happens in a persons childhood. if i thought for a minute that loving him would be enough to cure his problems i would be on his doorstep right now, but i know it doesn't work this way.i know that you understand that. i am even doubting whether his stories about the drunken dad are true now! i hope i can trust someone next time :/ another story of mine is called "am i unlucky in love" and this latest one is just another appendix to the story! the thing is is that i was for the first time really happy to be single, and then he has come out of nowhere and got me convinced i want to be in love again
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (20 February 2011):
Hey, just saw your post below. If you want to continue the conversation (I think we might have had similar experiences) feel free to email me here. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (20 February 2011):
Actually, I just checked out your other post and I see it is closed for new answers. So, I would just like to give my opinion here.
I had a relationship of sorts (not boyfriend/girlfriend but somewhat close friends) almost of all of last year. She was a damaged individual: poverty-stricken home, father abusive to mother, father in prison, many kids in the family, etc. I took this into account when I was dealing with the things she did: lying, manipulation, promiscuity, prostitution, etc. which really disturbed me.
Maybe I am a bad friend and maybe I let her down, but I am human, and I just could take the lying and manipulation of me anymore. In the end, no matter what I did, she saw me as an object. She saw everyone that way--it was just how she learned to deal with the world because learned a real relationship was too painful for her early on.
You can't change anyone unless they genuinely want to change. And you are not responsible for them no matter how much you like them. It is like taking in a snake and being kind to it and then wondering why it bites you. The reason is simply, it's a snake. That's its nature. A hard upbringing forces you to think and act a certain way and you carry that through you in life and into all your relationships.
Thanks for sharing your story.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi shawncaff, my newest post is now closed to new comments but would be great if you could have a read anyway and let me know back here what you think. i have read your story too about the manipulative young woman you were involved with. how are things now? i feel so lost, i miss him - which i know is silly, but he really got under my skin and i don't think i will ever meet anyone with that sense of humour and sweetness again, but i feel like it was definitely all fake. it'll get easier, i know, as only 'broke up' with him on Monday (valentine' day)
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (20 February 2011):
Thanks for the update. I will check out your recent post. It is a very interesting question and one I have dealt with myself regarding someone who also had an awful upbringing. But I will save my comments for your new post. Anyway, I am glad you have come to some resolution.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhello again,
an update: lots has happened since i wrote here last. i posted a further question 'how can you you help someone whose tortured upbringing has damaged them?' anyway, i have decided because of his awful issues that i cannot be with him, even though i did fall for him and my feelings are no different now. he happily accepts that we will just be friends rather than anything else. the feelings that he said he had just seem to have totally switched off. my friend made a good comparison:
'its like saying to a kid, "there is no orange juice" and they just say "fine, i'll have apple juice instead!", it really is as deep as that'
so, in answer to my own question, no, he wasn't genuine. with what he has been trough in life i can understand why he wants to go through life not really letting anything touch him :( - that's if his stories are true, i don't even know that much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you both. yes i know there is never a guarantee with anything and i will try to not be suspicious but also try to protect myself! what a difficult juggling act this is :/
it puts me off a bit that his ex left him in October (was only a year on off relationship though - if that makes any difference??) i don't want to be the 'rebound fling'. ooh i don't know! just feel like i have been d***ed around quite a bit by men in the past that's all.
many thanks for your responses :)
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (8 February 2011):
he says tells me he 'feels a connection' and stuff like that but what i want to know is... 'do men really believe in things like that?'
Sure they do! Men want a connection as much as women. I know I do. You are right to keep your eyes open though. Enjoy!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks shawncaff, thats great advice, i just hope that i don't forget my common sense thats all! he has made reference to sex too, but in a nice (really nice!) way, not dirty or disrespectful. i am not going to go home with him after our date because i know i won't trust myself. i think the issue really is my self control isn't it? he told me last night that his best friend is a 'horn-dog' which worries me a bit, i mean does that mean he is the same and thats why he they get on so well or is it possible to have a friend with a different outlook regarding women? he says tells me he 'feels a connection' and stuff like that but what i want to know is.. 'do men really believe in things like that?'
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2011): Be relaxed. He may be genuine and you don't want to appear too guarded. Don't rush things and don't let your insecuries spoil what might be a nice date. I suspect you think he is too good to be true. Give him a chance. You cannot protect yourself from hurt or disappointment. Just be hopeful.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (8 February 2011):
Well, you won't know yet. You have to give it some time, and you are in the very early stages. This is your first in-person date.
But what to watch out for to see if he is sincere or just a charmer is basically whether his actions match his words. If he tells you that you are special to him, etc., see if he acts that way: does he make you a priority, is he respectful to you, does he surprise you with things or notes to show he is thinking of you?
Also, listen carefully to him when he tells you about his interactions with others or when he talks about people in his past. Is he respectful of them, or does he seem to have used them? By listening closely, you can learn a lot about someone's character.
Good luck!
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