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female
,
*alem
writes: I have been in a long distance relationship for over two years with a smart, funny, loving, thoughtful, and generous man. The problem is this: A year ago he held me down, bruising me. Upon my demand, he went to a doctor, was evaluated for depression and engaged in counseling. Shortly after this, he called me a foul abusive name (for the second time). I broke up with him. When he asked me to come back to him, I told him I would be breaking a vow to myself. He agreed to break one of his vows if I broke this one of mine. His vow was that I was not welcome in his home since his ex-wife had lived there 5 years ago. I wanted to be welcome in his home, so I agreed. It has now been 11 months, and he has reneged on his part of the deal- he has broken his word to me. I believe he earnestly loves me and our feelings for each other are very intense. When he moves closer to me (within the next few months), he has agreed to joint relationship counseling. My question is this: Should I accept the breach of faith and compromise? Or is this yet another sign that he cannot be trusted?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, S_J_K_J +, writes (19 August 2005):
A female reader, S_J_K_J, writes (13 July 2005):
Being able to understand your situation, My advice to you is sit back and think about all what is better for YOU and HEALTHY for you! Sometimes its ok to be selfish when you are in a relationship and in this case it is more than O.K....Ps I have been out of my similar relationship for over a year now and I am happier with not only my life but myself... remember the two of you can still be friends eventually, and you can still be there for him..no one deserves to be called names or to be touched with aggression and no matter what....hope this can help you!!!
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (13 July 2005):
 Absolutely not. The feelings are intense but they are not love and they are hurtful and destructive! What kind of vow is it to not allow you access to his life. He gave up psychotic hate for you and you give up your personal safety? Think a little bit. How does that work? Now he really can hurt you?
Why compromise yourself and your safety. It is immature to do the tit for tat thing. He is clearly getting off on torturing you emotionally and he has to be good at it for anyone to fall for that sickening crap. (GET PISSED! I am!!!)
You are not welcome in the liars home- WOW. Believe it and move on. Get help if you need to, but believe me it only gets worse. He now knows he can push it further and since you consider this game at all he will consider this a weakness and you are now a game to him. And does he ever feel deeply about this game, he loves this game! Makes a wimp feel like he has power!
He is disgusted by you- intensly. How do you feel about him? Why do you love that? How can you love the hate he spewes? Even if he was wonderfull all of the rest of the time, what you have said should be glaring warning signs of what is to come. You are in the pretend you are better than you are stage.
Who cares if an idiot doesn't welcome you in or keep unhealthy promises. You are bogged down in the details. It is a game and the only way you win is by ending it.
If you need to keep the mind occupied then how about this:
You act like you are disgusted by him for at least 6 weeks. He is a power tripper. That will kill his ego. if after 6 weeks he is still pursuing you, tell him in your first talk in 6 weeks that you are just about over his wimpy butt. However, if he agrees to go to a therapist and to vigorously pursue this along with anger management and abuse perpetrator classes (+AA if he is a user/drinker), then, if you have not found someone else you might see him in the counseling office a few times to join the therapy.
My bet is that if you do this for the 6-12 weeks you will begin to feel free and happy. You won't even want him anymore. But if you do, the deadlines are what keeps you going.
He will not change until you make it very uncomfortable for him. If you are used to the emotional, verbal, and physical abuse, get help too. At the very least, type those key words into a search engine and you might see what you are up against. I am very frightened for you if you choose to think the thrill of the game is an actual emotional connection. You are better than this so time to prove it!
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A
female
reader, S_J_K_J +, writes (13 July 2005):
Being able to understand your situation, My advice to you is sit back and think about all what is better for YOU and HEALTHY for you! Sometimes its ok to be selfish when you are in a relationship and in this case it is more than O.K....Ps I have been out of my similar relationship for over a year now and I am happier with not only my life but myself... remember the two of you can still be friends eventually, and you can still be there for him..no one deserves to be called names or to be touched with aggression and no matter what....hope this can help you!!!
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A
reader, becky05 +, writes (13 July 2005):
Get him to go to (and complete) counselling before you even think of letting this man live with you.He won't let you into his home? He holds you down until you are bruised? Do you have so little self respect that you are going to put up with this type of behaviour? If this man hasn't changed in 2 years he never will.
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