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She's pushing but it seems too soon

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (13 May 2017) 15 Answers - (Newest, 16 May 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 30-35, anonymous writes:

Hi, I feel like my girlfriend is trying to inadvertently pressure me into proposing to her on her 21st birthday. Her b'day is at end of June and she has hinted so many times at me proposing eg. showing me ring a she likes and talking about it.

We have been together three years this year and I just feel like it's too soon maybe. I'm definitely not ready for it but she has her heart set on it. I have told her kindly it's not gonna' happen and, 'don't get your hopes up', but she just loses her temper and sulks at me, possibly a reason why I don't want to get married to her yet.

I just don't know how to approach this at all and I don't want to loose her

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2017):

A guy being pressured to marry is kind of like a girl being pressured to have sex.

Your partner has the right to want this normal thing. But you have the right not to want it. She has no right to put undue pressure on you. If you two cannot find a compromise then you need to break up.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (15 May 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntIt sounds like she wants a pretty ring to show her friends and gush how much you love her, but I wonder is she thinking off the actual marriage? Honestly stick with your guns, don't ever let anyone pressure you in to something. You are very young and if you are not ready then just be honest. She sounds very immature if she is going to sulk instead off talking to you like an adult about this. I don't think she is ready for a commitment like this either. A proposal is so much more than a ring, it is a commitment and one you both need to want. She doesn't sound like she cares what you want.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2017):

I don't care how she behaves; don't you dare propose until you feel it so deep in your heart that you can't wait to do it. If you're dragging your feet and don't lover her as much as she loves you; she can just decide to trade you in for someone better.

It's not fair to set a deadline for a proposal. However; a woman has a right to remind a guy who's constantly procrastinating that she has options; and she does have a right to move on if he's not ready, or not showing any inclination towards settling-down for marriage.

She doesn't have to be your perpetual-girlfriend; while you enjoy all the benefits of having a wife, but maintaining the convenience of walking away when you've had your fill. That's a waste of her precious time. What she's giving, she can't take back! No one should get married under pressure.

That's not love. It's coercion!

It's an important step, but too many women (and now gay men) want to get married because their friends are, or they want a wedding. Their mothers nag them, everybody's asking when you both are going to settle-down; and all her friends with kids are showing-off. They seldom consider everything else that comes after the wedding. Marriage is far more complicated than living together and sharing the rent.

Many are far from mature enough for motherhood; and too childish, insecure, and clingy to even handle just being a girlfriend. Wedding-fantasies are for little girls. It's not just about a pretty white dress and flowers. It becomes hard work to build a family and maintain a relationship meant to last a lifetime.

The biological-clock" excuse is usually their best argument, but guys don't have to buy that. There's always adoption. You aren't guaranteed to be fertile just because you have a womb and ovaries. What if the guy is infertile? That's reasonable grounds for divorce for some. Unless you take fertility tests together beforehand. Not likely!

Three to five years is usually the culminating point in a relationship; when the future and progression of a relationship is assessed and reviewed. Ether people move on to the next level; or they decide to slap an expiration-date on the relationship, and start planning an exit-strategy.

Guys like having sex on-demand; and a live-in cook and housekeeper. That's too close to a being a mom or a wife. Girlfriends still have open-options. They can continue to play the field while their figures and looks are still intact, date a wealthier guy; or work on a glorious and fulfilling career. All which still lead to finding a suitable husband at some point.

Let her have her fantasies. You've already told her it isn't going to happen. So let her sulk about it. She still has some growing up to do; if she thinks you can ask for marriage proposals for your birthday. Adulthood is a lot more complicated than that.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (14 May 2017):

chigirl agony auntPS. I dont think you will ever marry her, sorry. After three years, you may tell yourself its too early and you are too young, but the truth is you just dont want to marry her. Even if you had been both age 30 and together 10 years, I dont think it will change the fact that you just dont see her in your future and you cant imagine marrying her. She is not the one for you. She is just someone who is great for the here and now.

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A female reader, chigirl Norway +, writes (14 May 2017):

chigirl agony auntTell her you are both too young, and you dont want to get engaged before you are both 25 years old or older. Truthfully, this is the best thing, because you are both still so young and not fully matured. You both need time to figure out what you want in life, and what you want in a partner. Tell her this. And be honest. You dont want to marry her, not at this time. Maybe when you are both older. Be prepared that you might lose her, but that is part of life. Never marry because of pressure.

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (14 May 2017):

YouWish agony auntI got proposed to on my 20th birthday. What is it with birthdays and proposals???

Here's the thing -- everyone else is right, but I'm going to give you another MASSIVELY HUGE reason not to ever propose on a birthday or holiday like Valentine's Day, Christmas, or any other holiday, especially one marked by gift-giving:

LEGALLY SPEAKING, if you become engaged to a woman and give her a ring, and it turns out that you two end up not getting married, she is legally obligated to return the ring to you because the ring signifies a "contract for marriage", meaning if the marriage doesn't happen, the contract is broken, and the ring returns to you. If she sells or gets rid of the ring, you could take her to court and get it back or the value of it.

HOWEVER, if you propose on a birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, or something else nationally recognized as a holiday or a gift-giving day such as a birthday, the ring legally becomes a GIFT, meaning you GAVE it to her a present, and even if you both break the engagement, she gets to keep the ring, since it has a dual purpose as a birthday present, Christmas present, Valentine's Day present, etc. See what I mean???

DO NOT EVER PROPOSE ON A BIRTHDAY OR HOLIDAY.

Why do I always feel like I'm the legal unromantic buzzkiller of Dearcupid? Oh yeah -- because I don't want to see you get shafted by someone who obviously used emotional blackmail to get what she wants. Stand your ground buddy. In fact, this is a red flag for you to consider what married life with her would be like. New house? New car? Makeup? Expect the silent treatment if you don't placate this woman, and it's not sexy one single bit.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2017):

You mentioned that she has a temper? Is her temper reactive to a disagreement between you two? Or is her personality aggressive and temperamental?

Marriage is a wonderful feeling. Distress should not play a role in marriage. Is it your own insecurities that are holding you back? What investments are you willing to invest in building your character?

Your girlfriend's feelings are completely normal, you and her have been dating for three years and it's ok for her to want to be your wife. If you are not ready to marry her, but don't want to loose her. Then I think you should begin to ask yourself what is it about her that you are not ready to let go of? Is it substantial enough for you to consider engagement?

Many say marriage is a hard. I have been married for 9 years and I absolutely love my wife. We have disagreements, cry, and encounter bad times, but if I would have not pursued her I would have never experience the joy I feel of being with her daily. There is a reward in marrying to the right person. What will be the reward in marrying her? What will be the reward in not marrying her?

Best Wishes.

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (14 May 2017):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntCan you think you will eventually marry this girl? If so then you could always get engaged, with the proviso that marriage will not be for a few years. That way both of you might be happy with the situation. If you really can't see a long term future with her, cut her loose and find someone who suits you better.

She sounds to be in love with the idea of love - the ring, the big gesture, etc. Sulking because she doesn't get her own way is not an easy trait to live with. Think long and hard about being stuck with this (possibly for the rest of your life).

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (14 May 2017):

Honeypie agony auntMy husband married his first wife at 19 - was divorced at 21. My advice? Don't propose, don't get "bullied" into something yu are NOT ready for. You two have your WHOLE lives to ahead of you. There IS no hurry to get married and start a family.

And your GF? She is NOT ready either. Pretty obvious given her behavior. Which means BOTH are you are not ready.

You need to stand firm there. If she doesn't want to stay with you UNLESS you propose... how do you think she would deal with ACTUALLY grown up issues that MARRIED people face?

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (14 May 2017):

Ivyblue agony auntLosing her temper and sulking for your honesty is more brat like behaviour and rather silly. Look mate, my advice is stand strong and dont be emotionally manipulated into something you just dont feel you are ready. Marriage should be entered into willingly and happily otherwise you are going to have problems from the start. Im sorry to say but given she is feeling this way you best be VERY carful about not being trapped into marriage with a pregnancy. Horrible to think that of someone but Ive seen it happen to young men before. 21, you have a life to get out there and meet, who knows what is in stalled for you. 21 and married no. I agree, too soon.

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A male reader, VitaminZ United States +, writes (14 May 2017):

If you're not going to marry her, let her go. I know the ultimatum puts you in a terrible position, but its also unfair to her if you continue to string her along.

If you're unsure about marrying her, don't marry her. If you're not going to marry her, stop wasting her time.

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A female reader, celtic_tiger United Kingdom +, writes (13 May 2017):

celtic_tiger agony auntShe sounds quite immature to be honest - the sulking at not getting her own way says a lot.

A proposal is far more than just a ring and a big party. She (and you) are still very young, and although you have been together three years, she was only just 18 when you got together.

Far too many young women do not see further than the big white wedding and forget about the marriage bit. They forget the real meaning of what it is about.

If you are not sure - DONT. If you are meant to be together then there is plenty of time in the future to get married. Would you rather wait, than be a divorcee by 25?

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (13 May 2017):

N91 agony auntDo you want to marry her eventually or not?

What are your future plans with her? You need to be clear with her and let her know. Fair enough if it's too soon for YOU, but SHE thinks it's time. You need to discuss where you're up to.

It's not fair for her to pressure you into it, but it's equally as unfair for you to make her wait in limbo without clear indications of where the relationship is going.

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (13 May 2017):

Intrigued3000 agony auntI think you need to be very clear and honest with her about your intentions and you have to be prepared to face the consequences. She has her heart set on getting engaged to you after investing 3 years of her life into this relationship. If you are not on the same page as her, then you need to be honest (do not hint). You need to let her know that you are not ready for that next step in the relationship. The consequences are that she may end the relationship and find someone who wants the same thing as she does. The worst thing you can do is expect her to wait around while you decide if you want to get married to her or someone else or not at all.

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A male reader, birdwriter United States +, writes (13 May 2017):

birdwriter agony auntFrom what I am getting, I think she just wants to see that you are completely committed to her. This is the ultimate test here she is putting you through.

Have you done everything in your power to prove that you'll always be with her? Are you doing enough to make her happy at home?

These are some serious questions you will have to ask yourself. If this isn't the problem, then sit down and talk to her about what all is on her mind so you can see the bigger picture.

Honestly, though... I would say don't worry too much about proposing to her. You don't have to get married LITERALLY the next day afterward if you did propose to her. You can just simply be an engaged couple for a very long time.

Now, the other aunts will probably have better advice than I do since they are more experienced, but incase nobody responds, this is my advice.

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