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He said the message on his phone was a trap to see if I was snooping

Tagged as: Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (20 October 2013) 17 Answers - (Newest, 22 October 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 51-59, *ils writes:

Hi im in a relationship with an aries, I saw on his phone msgs to another woman saying he had feelings for her apparently she was in spain, I asked him about this as I was packing to leave, things got heated n he said he didnt want me to leave, we made up n we were actually closer we still are, it keeps going thro my about this text msg, he has locked his phone now, he said the msg was a trap as he thought id sneek on his phone, n I did, I love him to bits n he insists that we are together for life, I cant help feeling he was edging his bets so to speak, should I worry about our future together he seem so secretive with his phones n lap top or am I being paraniod , please help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2013):

When you feel a reason to check his phone or his laptop, secretly, it is because you are close to certain you will find something. You did. Is what you found a deal breaker? That is for you to decide. I sometimes feel like my (new) bf is secretly doing something, and I tell him. I will tell him what I have seen, felt, heard etc and what I am worrying about. He is very loving and will reassure me and show me anything I need to see. That is the only relationship I will now allow myself to be in. I will not allow myself to snoop, because it does more damage than good, no matter what you find. If you really don't trust someone, snooping is not going to build the trust. The only way, is to tell them what you are thinking and feeling, and for them to take care of making you feel reassured. (Within reason of course).

As for your bf, the most likely truth is, that he has been communicating with another woman in spain. It really doesn't mean that much to him, but it boosts his ego, and makes him feel better, having more attention, or something else to entertain him when he feels like it. I doubt he is hedging his bets, but rather, just having little bit of an extra ego boost on the side. That is the sort of man he is. Can you live with that? It is most likely quite a harmless thing in his mind, and means nothing to him, can you live with that?

Your bf may be mortified at you finding out, and he may end that sort of thing now.

If I were you, I would say that your trust has been shaken, and it needs to be rebuilt. You would like him to be honest about any communication he has woman. I would insist he is honest about the text NOT being a trap. For me, I would say the only way I can continue the relationship, would be for his phone and laptop to be available for me to look at from time to time. Lots of guys would most likely not allow that for me, and that would not be a problem at all, I would not care to continue the relationship, the text caused a lot of damage and if the person isn't prepared to put in the effort of repairing the damage then I would not be interested in the uncertainty and distrust for the years to follow.

Trust is EVERYTHING.

Some people can live with their partner flirting a bit, as long as they are the 'main' person, but I couldn't. It really is totally up to what YOU can live with now.

It is very doubtful he set a trap, so, you now have to decide if your relationship is worth working through the lost trust, and is he prepared to help rebuild it.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (21 October 2013):

Honeypie agony auntWell, snooping IS bad and invading someone's privacy. And having privacy is vital, but so is having trust.

The fact that you can't smell his BS miles away shows that you are in utter denial, you want to believe what he told you, because that would mean you are still having a relationship. Truth is, you KNOW he lied and him locking his phone and putting ALL the blame back on you ought to tell you to wake up and smell the coffee.

And I'm a Taurus, bull headed as get out of town and I smell a rat - that is your BF. (not that I actually think your star sign is any kind of indication as to how you handle yourself and your relationship).

No wonder he is guarded with his phone/lap top, goodness know what else he's got going on with how many women online.

Sorry, I think you did the wrong thing when you unpacked and stayed.

How can you even trust the guy?

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (21 October 2013):

YouWish agony auntHee...is this the Round Table of astrology?

If so, I'm a Taurus, and snooping is BULL! :P

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013):

Did anyone ever tell you that pigs can fly?

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A female reader, bama_mobile United States +, writes (20 October 2013):

bama_mobile agony auntjils, you are presented as being aged 41-50. Experience of life itself should tell you that he is full of bull crap.

The most important thing now is deciding what to do about it. Believe me, but there will be lots more of his bull crap to come at you yet.

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A male reader, CMMP United States +, writes (20 October 2013):

He's full of shit. Now what?

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A female reader, Aunty Babbit United Kingdom +, writes (20 October 2013):

Aunty Babbit agony auntI'm an Aquarian, does that help?

Firstly it's no good telling me he's an Aries, I'm an agony aunt, not an astrologer, so I can't do anything with your star signs I'm afraid.

The bit I do know is this.

He's been caught cheating on you and has spun a good yarn to wriggle out of it.

If you still want to believe he hasn't cheated, then you must realise that he clearly doesn't trust you because he's set you a trap!

You don't trust him though because, whether or not he's been unfaithful, you did snoop through his phone!

You may love each other but you have nothing without trust.

If you're both serious about each other then I would recommend couples counselling because you both clearly have trust issues.

Hope this helps AB x

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A female reader, YouWish United States +, writes (20 October 2013):

YouWish agony auntNope, he didn't set that as a trap to catch you snooping. The proof is that he locked his phone and his laptop afterwards AND he didn't back up his evidence. If that were a true trap, it would have been to some co-worker locally who would have been in on the snooping.

That being said, he has the right to lock whatever he wants to. But what you saw WAS proof of his disloyalty. You should drop him, because if that were a trap to catch you, he'd have more than a story. He'd verify the number he called to show you the decoy and who was in on it.

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A female reader, llifton United States +, writes (20 October 2013):

llifton agony aunthe's lying to you. that's an absolute lie from hell and he's being extremely manipulative. step outside yourself for a second and re read your post from an unbiased stand point. you know you would know it was a lie, too, but you are too emotionally involved in the situation that you don't want to see it for what it is.

now he's got a lock on his phone?! really?! this is because he's either still talking to this woman and doesn't want you to check up on him, is also talking to multiple other women besides her, or knows that eventually he will talk to other women again. he's a liar and he lied to your face, blatantly.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013):

Read the answer from bronzed adonis. I suggest you contact her without him knowing and ask her if what knows about it.

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A female reader, Daisy_Daisy United Kingdom +, writes (20 October 2013):

Daisy_Daisy agony auntI am sorry but I don't believe he placed these messages threre in case you'd snoop. It's doesn't follow any logic. The person he was texting presumably exists - he's implying that they were in a prank together. I doubt it.

Also, why did you get the urge to snoop? Unless you're the paranoid type, you probably had good reason. Always trust gut instincts.

Him locking his phone etc just makes it even more suspicious. Talk to him, don't ignore this.

Best of luck.

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A female reader, Intrigued3000 Canada +, writes (20 October 2013):

Intrigued3000 agony auntHe is lying to you. Finding that text message, the fact that he locked his phone after, and keeping his laptop away from you are all red flags that he's being dishonest. What is your gut saying to you? If I were you, I'd find out who this woman is and ask her what's going on between her and your boyfriend. Do it in a nice way, because she probably does not know that he has a girlfriend.

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A male reader, somewhere_between United Kingdom +, writes (20 October 2013):

somewhere_between agony auntThere is nothing anyone on here can say to you, that will change the facts.

What would he tell you, if you caught him red handed with another woman? He was only doing it to test whether you had genuine feelings for him or not?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2013):

What a load of crap. Nice way to turn that around....you two do not trust each other and he does not understand that communicating with other women while in an exclusive relationship is unacceptable and should be a relationship deal breaker for you unless you don't mind your man cheating on you.

He should not have anything to hide if he was on the up and up and he is hiding a lot.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (20 October 2013):

Tisha-1 agony auntSo he says he's setting traps and you are sneaking looks at his phone? You live together?

I don't know, in my house, we have access to each other's phones and computers and whatnot. Not that we have had problems about that before, just because, well, we have nothing to hide.

I would be very leery of this if I were you. Sorry, I can't help beyond that.

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A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (20 October 2013):

janniepeg agony auntThis is a very bad explanation/excuse because he needs the other woman to be aware of this so she doesn't get the wrong idea. Even if it's true I think it's stupid for a woman friend to help a man trap his girlfriend. It's unlikely too because she is in Spain. How would a foreign lady conspire something like this with him, to spy on a person she doesn't know? Why would a man worry about a woman snooping his phone in the first place if he had nothing to hide? You should worry about your future together. He is treating you like an idiot, just expects you to drop the issue and shut up.

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A male reader, bronzed adonis United Kingdom +, writes (20 October 2013):

bronzed adonis agony auntDoes the woman he sent the text to know that he only sent it to trap you?

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