A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am married 11 years with 2 kids. We have been living abroad for the past year. This is our first time away from fam/friends. He has made the move as he moved from another country to mine 15 years ago. Our relationship has never been passoinate and I blame myself for this I have no sexual attraction towards him. I love him dearly. He however does have sexual attraction for me but I find it hard to reciprocate it. When we do occasionally get intimate it is boring for me, never orgasm, just cant wait till it is over. I feel our paths have taken different directions. We dont communicate well when it comes to decision making. He finds it hard to be loving towards me when we are not at a level of sexual attraction. I want to believe that I can go home with the kids and survive but I dont know if I could and he is a good husband and father otherwise. The kids would be devasted and I would feel like a failure and another divorce statistic with kids from broken marraige. Would you stick it out for the kids? If I do stick it out how do I make him see that I cannot change the way I feel or would you make a break now and try and find a life/love that is the real thing? Kids are 4 and 2yrs.
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a break, divorce, orgasm Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 May 2008):
 What's the point of staying in a marriage if you cannot be happy?
Do you want to be unhappy till the last days of your life?
You will always be fighting against each other and have no peace.
Your kids will also be unhappy.
Thus don't stay in a marriage if you cannot be happy.
Try your best and if it fails, you are not to be blamed for it.
Let go of each other and seek your own happiness.
Your children will also be happier this way.
I don't think staying in a marriage because of children is the right course.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Why do you need to make a decision as to whether you need to be prepared to live the rest of your lives without affection towards one another?
Why not prepare yourself to work it out? Dig deep into the soul and find out what is there and what is missing, and then determine why and how this can be repaired.
Don't give up or jump ship just yet. All relationships require work, sometimes, hard work.
Don't give up, either of you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies. I have asked a bunch of strangers as I cannot confide in anyone else. I am away from friends/family and if they thought I was going through this they would be so upset. I am not expecting to ride off into the sunset, I am not expecting to meet anyone else as it happens. I am sad at being in this situation. The kids come first and I would hate for them to not be with Mum and Dad. My DH is from a broken family and he is certainly not wanting that either. The decision we need to make is whether we are prepared to live the rest of our lives without affection towards one another.
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A
female
reader, Kimaxsi  +, writes (9 May 2008):
Keep this in mind, your kids look to you and your husband as a role model for relationships, and if your relationship is not working/unhealthy/and both of you are unhappy, your kids will on some level realize this. You are teaching your children that they can't expect very much from their own relationships in the future and that they should stay in an unhappy marriage. If you want for their happiness, then you need to start being honest and communicating. If you can save the relationship and both be happy in it that's ideal but relationships do take a lot of work. The sex life often starts to suffer first as a result of other issues in the marriage, so there may be other things you are ignoring and not addressing while concentrating so hard on the symptom bad sex.
You and your husband deserve happiness and your kids may not realize until much later that you made the best choice if you get a divorce. When I was small I was hurt when my parents split as all kids will be but later I realized my dad was abusive and cruel and it was the best thing for me and my mom. Your husband doesn't sound like a bad guy so you need to really sit down with your children and explain things honestly in a way they can understand, get the help of a real therapist that can help your children through the painful divorce if that's what you decide on. You and your husband need to make an effort to remain friends be on good terms, both of you should spend plenty of time with your children and make every effort to be honest and keep all promises made, children blame themselves for these things, make sure you explain to them its not their fault and let them express themselves completely without judgment, once you decide to end the marriage if you don't yo yo back and forth, that will make it impossible for your children who will need stability after this whole thing.
I agree that your lack of physical attraction is the sign of a deeper issue, when you really love someone they do actually appear attractive you, really irrespective of what they look like to everyone else lol
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Your becoming a failure already. You stated some key points in your response, and have left out many.
I suggest you both seek counseling together.
Sexual attraction needs to include a liking of the body of the opposite sex. If you don't find his body attractive, you need to find out why. If you love a person, then again, you should find his body attractive and be willing to play with it, have it pressed against your own. This is a must key element for a good relationship.
When you both disagree, what are the reasons? Why do you adhere to this reasons? Safety, security? If you communicate honestly and find out why you do what you do, say what you say, you both can improve the relationship, by this method, you have a better understanding of your partner, there needs and dislikes, and then work at accepting them and giving them. Rlationships are a challenge, especially when we haven't been taught the key elements i making a relationship work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): All i have to say is sometimes you have to do things for youself. You have to be happy too :)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): No forget the kids get out there and have some fun, you know you want to.
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I know what i wouldn't do, ask a load of strangers to determine my families future.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): Find the real thing? You have rose tinted glasses on. You think your just going to find someone and ride into the sunset. Will your new partner take to the kids, will he move in, how will the ex feel about this, how will the children react to him. Will your ex find someone new, will all is resources be poured into his new family, will he gradually see less of his children?
I'm sure it hasn't helped by isolating yourselves by moving abroad. Have you tried marriage guideance.
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