A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi please help my boyfriend is emigrating in a weeks time and he's off to Australia to follow his dream. We have been going out for about a year. This has been hanging over our relationship the whole time. I didn't really think about it much until his visa came through and then he couldn't wait to start the process of getting a job out there and somewhere to live which he has done in the last 2 months! When we first got together he fell in love with me almost straight away - saying he loved me after just a week it took me a few months to feel that way. I was just getting a new rented house at the time and he was just moving out of his and he kind of 'assumed' he would move in with me but I had to say no it was all too soon (I had been in a long term relationship before which wasn't happy) - it was like he wanted to see if we could live together really quickly. All this time pressure I think now was because of what he had planned. He wants me to go with him and said that he has more chance of it working out there if he is in a happy relationship. I have become really resentful for several reasons:1) He got involved with me knowing that I may or may not come with him and although he mentioned emigrating at the start it was never definite until the visa came through.2) Throughout the whole year he has picked holes in everything to do with our country - to the point where everything we have done together - day trips etc- was always compared to how Australia is and nothing was as good. I felt so sad at times like we were just biding our time.3) He seems to have just gone ahead with this 'with or without me' and I am not sure on that basis if he cares that much (even though he says he is risking everything potentially leaving the woman he loves behind)4) He has not offered to cover any of my costs of moving out there which would be substantial. I have been to Australia before just once so I know what it is like it is great but I have two choices either a student visa to re-train (courses are incredibly expensive, limited choice for international students in the subjects I am interested in and you cannot get a loan like I could in the UK) or try and apply for a working visa with no guarantees of getting it. I also have my pet dog and he even asked me if it would be right to bring him. This upset me.A part of me knows he wants the best for us and wants me to be happy but its on his terms and I don't feel like it is something we have done together - decided together. Feel like it is something he had already decided. He did wobble on the idea at the start of our relationship but said ' I'm not used to a woman getting in the way of my plans'. I didn't want to change his mind so I've supported him all the way. Now though I feel hollow and empty and I love him, have gone through all this and don't even know whether his actions form the basis of a loving relationship. People have told me he has been selfish. I am used to putting other people first so don't always see this. I am dreading the big leaving party he has planned. I can barely afford a flight out there and back at the moment - just don't know how to get through this.I would be grateful for any opinion.
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female
reader, Kimaxsi  +, writes (9 May 2008):
From the very start he was upfront with you? To him it wasn't just a possibility, it was dream he'd decided apparently to go full out on, and didn't you know that going into the relationship? On some level it may be that you hoped he'd change his mind, that he'd see life the UK could be just as good if not better. When he didn't change his mind and is still going for it, it may be that you feel hurt and betrayed. Maybe you feel like you are not enough for him. If you've been supportive and chosen not to voice your concerns on the matter, and have continued to encourage him to follow his heart in this matter, then you can't really expect that he would some how know all these worries and insecurities you've been harboring. He was honest with you, you should have been totally strait with him (if you were not) it may be too late to change his plans but you should still talk to him and explain to him how you feel. Tell him if you would like join him but express your concerns about finances, acquiring a visa, and your perspectives for the future, you may find he is more than willing to help you out if he knows you want to join him, hell I expect he'd be ecstatic. To me its sounds like part of his rambling on about the virtues of of Australia was to convince you its a great place, and like you might've been hoping for him to stay he may have been hoping for you to come with him all along. As a couple though its important to discuss everything openly, don't be a martyr.
As for the dog thing, it is insensitive, but it may be that he was worried about the large quarantine period where your dog would be isolated from you for months and kept in a cage. Not a very good place for your beloved pet.
As the above person said you have to do what's right for you do not move to Australia if you truly do not want too, just to please him you'll be miserable, you have to go for you if you go at all.
A
female
reader, tulsi +, writes (9 May 2008):
In all honesty honey you have to follow your heart people say all sorts and most of the time for the best of you.
How ever any choice you make is never a good or bad choice our choices may and most of the time do cause us pain however we never know what life is going to throw at us and what we go through today will help us tomorrow trust me.
I've been through all sorts enough to drive most people to the edge but you must keep smiling we can do all the love quizes and tests we want as individuals we will never know just how much our partners do care and if they are being selfish.
Because what seems selfish to us isn't selfish to them infact quite the opposite. I too as many people have sacrifficed and given alot in my past relationships and it does feel sometimes that your not even geting a dot of this back. I would advice as before follow your heart is it wise to go out there? is there a future? is he just career minded? does he really make you happy?
If you have a real answer for these questions then next make a decision if he's doing what he feels and is happy doing you too should have a plan make something of your self and that way whether your together for ever for not you will never walk away from the relationship thinking I gave so much and did so much and what do I have today, today he's a qualified or sucessfull business man and I've waisted my time supporting him and just working a mindless job. Come away with positives and if your relationship works out then darling that even better you'll be the envy of every gal succesful in love and life.
Follow your heart think with your head plan it out and remember despite what people say any choice we make in life is never a bad one find good in the bad and you'll have great results.
I hope this helped I've just gone through the similar thing trust in what I've said it always works out not necessarily the way we want but I cant stress enough hun that no choice we make is ever a bad choice.
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