A
female
age
51-59,
*SEDUP
writes:My husband cheats on me with porn and innapropriate letters and pictures from women he knows. We have been married for six years.He actually slept with one of the women maybe two. My husband has gotten caught 3 times. In other words, that is all I actually know about. He does not lie after he is caught but that does not make it any better. He always says how much he loves me, he knows he has a problem. He claims he will get help, he will stop..... The first time was less than a year after our marriage with a girl 25 years his junior. The second time was the exchange of letters with graphic intimate details to a girl at our church. She was also very young (married) in her twenties. He is a PASTOR of all things. He preys on these young dumb women. The third was a month ago with his former church secretary. I had my suspicions but every time I asked him he swore I was just paranoid and he was doing nothing. She was sending him porno shots of herself over her phone. They were very very graphic and nasty. I caught them and have every single shot she sent. I want to publish them just to get him and her back and send them to all the church members...but as a women of dignity and respect for myself I will not. It is hard not to though. I did not leave....but I should have. Each time he says he will get help. He never does or not long enough for it to make a difference. He is a porn addict also. I should have left the first time it happened. I thought he would change and he has not.In addition to that his son who is bi polar schizophrenic has threatened to kill me and my son on two occasions.He graphically described cutting me up into pieces and then "poddying" on my body. He then said he would stick my son back up my ____ well you fill it in. He is a spoiled and wicked 18 year old who lives now with his mother. I refuse to go and visit my husband when he is around. Last week he stayed with his father during the holidays even after my husband promised I would never have to stay in the same house with him ever again. He broke his promise to me and I stayed away from them for the entire week.Why do you stay....you must be asking yourself by now.I am trying to wait for 3.5 more years until my son graduates from high school. At that point, I plan on selling my home, downsizing and leaving him for good. Right now I need his medical benefits from his job.Staying married to him will allow me to save up a lot of money so that when I leave him in 3 years I will be more financially stable and able to carry on the lifestyle I am living at now. He is living in another city and I only see him every two weeks because of a job transfer. That makes it a little easier on me. We do not have sex and because of this stress I have gained 40 lbs. that I need to despretly loose.So in other words, I am using him too. That is the only reason I am staying right now.Well my guestion is....should I stick it out and just stay married for the financialy reasons. He has made an appt. with a counselor for therepy that he claims will begin next week. I am at the point now where even if he did change my feelings of love are just not the same. I don't trust him and I can't stand for him to touch me.I feel betrayed and I don't smile when I think of him or see him. Would you stay or just get the divorce now instead of waiting 3 years? I really want some concrete advice.
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female
reader, Ginalolabridga  + ♥, writes (2 December 2008):
 Hi,
Your husband seriously needs to get help for he is a Sex Addict in huge denial!
You say he is a Pastor and most people will be shocked at that and rightly so but Sex Addicts come in many forms Policeman, Judges, Builders, Lawyers,Businessmen, all walks of life i am also living and in recovery with a sex addict your husband being a Pastor does not shock or surprise me as i have learnt through my own husband's addictions that all of these men have one thing in common Compulsive Addictive Behaviours and Sex Addiction does'nt stop with the ordinary Joe punter looking for extra maritial sex!
One thing your husband needs to do and asap is seek help he will find this very hard and shameful because he is a man of God and people he will think will look down on him and crucify him for his lustfullness needs.
It does'nt work like that he has to find help through many sources that run therapy and counselling sessions all over the country in America SA is more widespread than here in Scotland so you will find loads of help for him he has to want that help though and i feel he has reached the lowest spot where he is crying for help now.
It is very hard for people to understand why we stay with such men i am a lot longer married than you 29 yrs and my hubby was using prostitutes nothing else and he is in recovery 2+yrs now and doing great we have almost got him back to being where he was before the addictions set in.
I am only saying this to you to prove people can overcome these addictions.
The fact he uses porn is probably what started his addiction to sex in the first place porn is not harmless to all! i would urge you to get him the help he needs even if you decide to leave you will have helped him to recover most folk would maybe take the attitude why? after what he has done to you but it takes all kinds in this world and i always believe when we give back we recieve tenfold you being a pastor's wife will believe in this also.
As for the son i think best to stay away from this boy he has issues that need to be dealt with also the fact you mentioned he has bi-polar disorder has me concerned as a lot of SA have this disorder too could he have inherited this from the father????
Do you know enough of your husband's background to find out where all these issues have come from as with many SA they have either been sexually abused or had some trauma in their lives that relate to many issues they have to deal with not all SA will have been abused sexually but in other forms i.e. emotionally abused, stress through many things, not being able to cope with everyday issues, not being able to cope with life itself sometimes!
There seems to be an awful lot of unhappiness in that family also why?
I know it is the hardest thing to get over when you discover someone you loved and thought was your world could stoop to these levels but SA is a disease it can be cured and there is help out there if he constantly refuses to get the help he needs then you may have to ask yourself is this grief worth staying for another 3 and a half yrs just for financial gain?
You are already doubting your feelings even if he did change all i can say to you i was there too i did change my feelings but then we have 3 children together and been married a lot longer so therefore my situation is different we share one thing in common though we are married to a SA and it is only you that can make the choice to stay or to go for me personally i knew i had to get over all of this before i could get to where i am now and i am a strong person i know i can do certain things that would try the patience of most people and that is what it comes down too what you can forgive? what you can live with? and what you can do to turn a terrible thing that has happened to you into a positive thing for some this would be an impossibility for others it is worth the effort to at least try!
I feel for you in this situation because SA is not easy to live with if my husband had refused to get help and seek therapy and not be prepared to stop these destructive behaviours and make the effort to change i would have left him he has shown me he is prepared to do the work and get this right and correct his wrong doings and choices your husband has to be doing all of these things too if he is not prepared to do any of this work then you will have to decide what is best for you and your boy.
I would ask you to take care of yourself here being with a SA will consume every living breath you have till they get help this will take it's toll on you it went the other way for me i lost a lot of weight but i am back to normal now.
Spend time on yourself join a club that will help you to lose your weight concentrate on that get yourself into shape again i used this as a way to focus on myself and it works it also got me out the house and helped me to meet other people i have a great social life now and i am not the perfect 10 but i am happier than i was 2+ yrs ago life does go on after infidelity i am living proof of that and SA can be cured mu hubby is also living proof of that i wish you well my friend take care of yourself and your boy may God look over you both at this time and may his army of Angels never leave your side so you may always be safe i wish you well.
Ginalolabridga.
A
female
reader, happy24birthday + ♥, writes (2 December 2008):
 First off don't get too consumed by others wondering why you stay. It's your relationship and your experience that nobody else can fully understand. From someone who is in an unhappy marriage herself my advice is to leave now. I think you will be so much happier and will be able to focus on other things such as losing weight. I know that you have thought about everything, such as where you will go, where your son will have to go to school, etc. The best scenario would be that your son stay in the same school he's in now. I don't think that the divorce itself will have a negative impact on him, but changing schools at his age could. Again, I emphasize to leave now. I understand your reasons but worry about what could change for the worse during your 3-year plan. And I so understand the love being gone. I'm there myself, too. For the third time, if you can work it now, leave.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2008): Run as fast as you can, this is madness to hang about and wait, you are being treated like dirt get out as soon as possible. I wish all the best x
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A
female
reader, katatonik +, writes (2 December 2008):
 Let me get this straight...he's cheating on you, his son has threatened your life and YOUR CHILD'S LIFE, and you have stayed with him only so that later you can "carry on the lifestyle you are living at now?" I don't think waiting for your finances to be more ideal is a good reason to stay in this relationship. For your welfare and your son's, I'd get clear of this guy as soon as you possibly can. Good luck =]
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