A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I admit I'm not the nicest human being in this world. I have hurt my fiancé with words I said. But he's been playing mind games with me. We've not been the best of terms since 28 dec. I tried to talk to him via text he said to me he wanted space. It's been 3 weeks that this happened. I know He needs his space but I still decided to stop by his house, to make an effort to make things better. But he told me that he's not leaving home because he needs his space.I don't know what he wants from me. I have asked him if he doesn't love me anymore, please let me go. I cannot be left hanging in this engagement but at the same time he has his space. I'm tired of being in this place. I love him but it's a tortute. I've been crying my heart out. I seem to have lost 5 kilos over the past few weeks.. I'm just torn. What else can I do? I want to make things work but he can't torture me forever like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): He's using a passive-aggressive tactic known as the" silent treatment." It is meant to do exactly what it's doing. He refuses to discuss the problem in order to resolve it. Instead, he leaves you to stew in it while he remains silent, cold, and distant. He asked for space; because he knows the rejection will torment you. I can tell this is a cycle between you. If you're engaged, you've been together for some time. This is not the first time.
If this is a taste of things to come, you had better reconsider marrying this guy. If you said something so terrible; then he should reconsider marrying you! Words
can hit as hard as a punch, but go deeper into the soul.
There are some things said, you cannot accept from the lips of people you love. It makes forgiveness very difficult. In fairness to both parties involved here, I have to say you don't offer enough information. So you've pretty much slanted all empathy your way.
You offer no clues or information regarding the reason for your disagreement. So it is uncertain if his refusal to speak to you is somewhat justified, although not very adult or manly. He's pouting and that is rather childish.
I think he is mostly getting gratification from your misery. Give him time to think, and you should use this time as well. Stop trying at this point. His refusal to accept your attempts to reconcile is giving him narcissistic-supply. He's feeding on your misery. It's vengeful pleasure.
He's your fiance' and you have every right to go to his home and insist on discussing the issue to work it out. If he continues to refuse; your best option is to offer him an ultimatum, and give him an allotted amount of time to come around. If an apology isn't enough; then maybe you've cut too deep this time.
In any case, there is a breakdown in communication; when people refuse to compromise and use diplomacy. If a partner prefers to be stubborn and childish; they are displaying immaturity, which does not make for good marriage-material. Your "love" should be put "on hold" for the moment. Never use "love" as an excuse to accept undue punishment. Especially when the punishment exceeds the severity of the offense. If he's being a wimp, that doesn't make for a good husband or father. You can consider this is a preview of what marriage will be like between you two. You're both behaving like brats. You better get things in order and learn to discuss things like adults before you go any further.
Love is a mixture of a lot of emotions, but misery is a bad side-effect. That means the love is misdirected, or one-sided. You should feel sorry and remorseful for hurting him; but if he realizes your remorse, that is an open invitation to talk it out. Even warring countries try to compromise. Relationships should be easier than that. He has shut you out a long time. Too long.
Don't get me wrong, people are allowed brief periods to cool-off. Everyone returns to their corner to get their bearings, and to reconsider an even better approach to a difficult issue or problem.
I must warn you. When fiance's decide to take a break for weeks at a time, start considering cancelling or delaying your wedding plans. That's what he might be doing. Cooling-off periods should only be a few hours, or a couple of days. Outside the span of a week, you should be concerned.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2015): "I don't know what he wants from me."
He's already told you a few times what he wants...space. You might be tired of it, but you're going to have to respect his wish otherwise you're going to push him away all together. Texting him and going to his house isn't giving him space.
In the mean time, you aren't doing yourself any favors crying and losing weight over it. You have to keep yourself busy. Take some extra hours at work, go out with your friends, read a good book, anything to get your mind off him. I know it's not what you want to hear, but there isn't much else you can do. You can't force him to come around when he isn't ready to.
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