A
female
age
51-59,
*risbane
writes:i dont understand whats gone wrong in my marriage,I need advice!I have been with my husband for nealry 21 years,we have 4 children that still live at home.He is the boss at his work so he's always on call.I work weekends mostly.but in the last 4 months he seems to have lost interest in making love.when we hsve sex it seems to scare him,it is drving me crazy.i love him,i do everything for him-wash,cook,clean,set out his uniform for work,make his lunch,clean his car,give him oral whenever he wants it,give him my money,i do everything for the kids-so he doesnt have to,look after his parents when they need help,when he goes out with his work mates,i drop him off and pick him up when hes drunk-sometimes and his mates,that happens 2 or 3 times a year-i never go.I never go out with my friends becuase he doesnt like my friends.i do everything for him,why wont he fix me up sexually?unless i beg him or tell him,i'm horny it been a while,i need something,then he does.how can i get him to give me attention without asking for it.i also dont understand,he has a trade,he will help out everyone else,but will not do a simple job for me.if he comes home and says he has a sore back or feet,i sit him down and massage it till it feels better.rarely he'll sit with me on the lounge and watch the footy or a movie,he'd rather play on the computer.it seems his life consit of work,computer and sleep.i'll be happy laughing and joking around with him,then all of a sudden he puts me down,to make me unhappy.in the last 4 months he has been telling me what to wear,i find that strange because it's like he never cared before.one thing he does that annoys me,is tell me he thinks my workmates are hot,and our nextdoor neighbour.now these are my friends,and i have never thought of any of his friends or workmates in the factor,but i avoid my friends thinking bad things,becuase of what he says.i just want attention from him,so i know he cares.he checks my phone and my bill to see who i text or call.i love my husband,but i am beginning to feel like a stranger with him.how do i fix the problem?please help sexually frustrated wife
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female
reader, brisbane +, writes (6 May 2009):
brisbane is verified as being by the original poster of the question Good Morning readers,I just finished reading your comments before I have to go to work. I have thought about what each of you wrote. I have been thinking of some of these things for many years. I would like to say thank you very much for taking the time to read what I wrote and answer my qustion. It felt good that someone actaully does listen. I know what I must do now, it will take time to sort this out but now I know that women don't drain themselves out, I have somewhere to start/Thank you so much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): After all these years being married to your man, you know him best. What is of concern is his lack of trying / his inability to satisfy you sexually. You need to get to the bottom of this problem. You say that he works too much, but is he only spending his energies on his work and nothing else. Meaning , are you 100% sure there is no 3rd party involved. Please do not rule out the possibility of an affair. He seems to be just too preoccupied and that is not good.
Unfortunately you have created a monster, by doing everything for him. You have ensured that you “mother” him on all levels, just be careful that the mothering does not filter into the bedroom too. Since he is unable to satisfy you, please consider investing in a vibrator. This will alleviate any sexual frustration (for the time being) & you can then channel your energies to getting to the bottom of his “problem”. I don’t see why you should suffer both ways. The inconsiderate man has to be shown the error of his ways. The question is, would he want to change or is the monster just too damn set in his ways. He needs to learn to do things for himself. You have been his doormat for too many years ad he needs to start fending for himself. This will free you up a bit to concentrate on yourself. You need the quality time to take stock of your own life, your friends, your family. You also need this ME TIME to find yourself. By learning and discovering what actually makes you tick you will learn to value your self again. Start a new hobby. I always recommend dancing as a form of therapeutic relief and I am hoping that you consider this. Just too much time is spent worshipping Mister’s existence. Your bossman needs to slowly start fending for himself. I cannot believe that you even clean his car. This man is just so lucky, the boss at work and at home too. You are not his slave. He has under appreciated you, he has taken you for granted. He cannot even say THANK YOU with a good round of sex!!!! Now that pisses me off (pardon my French, I am just so cross with him).
So, please prioritize you needs first. And please FIRSTLY, purchase your vibrator. Your h/b is going to take months (if not years) to come to the party (his selfishness was not brought about overnight). You may as well enjoy your solo act without any pettiness. Then start taking better care of yourself. After all ,you are worth it. I note that your husband is subtly controlling, you have moments of highs and then he rudely crushes your spirit. Is this his way of controlling you and perhaps making you doubt yourself? Is this his way of showing you that you nothing without him. I wonder whether he is not emotionally abusing you as well. Perhaps you need to keep a journal and document all his “crushing moments’ You may think that what I am suggesting is over the top, but when you see a pattern emerging, it may just give you insight into him. Please try this and then make notes on his behaviour. You are an intelligent woman. You need to “catch” him at his own game and you need your wits about you. Please do not confide in anyone about your journal on him, not even to friends and to your kids. As a wife some things are better left unsaid. You do not want him to get wind of the fact that you are “investigating” him. Slow and steady build your case against him. And work on him. Mr. bossman, would not know what hit him.
And also please walk around with a sheepish grin on your face (after you indulge in your solo act). Remember that ad, “ who got in all in the morning”, well you just did. Be happy, do not let him steal your joy. Show him that “something” is making you happy. You do not have to tell him what this something is. Let him wonder and then let him try doing his homework on you. No-one has the right to steal your joy and happiness. The moment you give in to someone, you give them POWER OVER YOU. And that will be the start of your decay.
I hope I am not boring you with my comments above. I just believe that sometimes we wives need to teach our h/b’s about life and living and that our lives are valuable as well. I truly truly hope you find that missing link in your marriage. That missing link is actually your weakest link in your marriage. Please go out and find out what that is. Good luck and God bless and please write and tell us whether you have been able to find out the mystery about your man.
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A
male
reader, flrtyi  +, writes (5 May 2009):
"it seems his life consists of work, computer and sleep"
I wonder if the problem is more that you feel he doesn't spend enough time with you.
Do you have any idea why he would be scared to have sex with you? Is he having any physical problems?
I have had a problem with my wife in the past where she seemed to want me to read her mind. Perhaps you are doing the same thing?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (5 May 2009):
 O_o
Wow. I thought women like you had died out. Roughly about the time they abolished slavery.
Your actions seem closer to that of a house-slave then a wife let alone a partner. His actions to you in the last months seem to be that of an emerging control-freak. A serious form of mental-abuse.
Your post really seem to belong in a different era. Are you really happy with all this if he just screws you some more?
Amazing. My solution would be to run like hell but if this is what makes you happy... well I just don't get it.
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