A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I’m 28 and newly married. I love my wife and the life that I have with her except that I am riddled with regret over missed opportunities. I can’t go a minute without wishing I had sowed my oats before getting married. I never had the desire to sleep around until I met my wife. I was a Christian and saved myself for my marriage. My wife on the other hand pretty much slept with every guy she dated. The year before she met me she went through this party girl phase where she pretty much slept with a new guy each month. I found this out after we got engaged. I thought the feelings of resentment for her would go away, but it has only gotten worse.Every time we hang out with her girlfriends, they are always talking about how wild and crazy she used to be and how settled and domestic her life is now. Now I wake up every morning and feel like I missed out. Will I ever see past this resentment that I have for my wife and fall in love with her again like I did when we first met?Will I ever be able to let go of this deep, deep regret that I missed out on all these great sexual experiences? I feel like I should wake up excited to see my wife’s face and instead I wake up dreaming about the girls that I had the opportunity to have sex with in high school and college.I was taught all of my life that saving sex for your wife would make your marraige better, but instead it has made mine a living nightmare. I have always valued fidelity and wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I ever cheated on my spouse, but I honestly don’t know if I could resist the temptation to experience someone different and new. I know that I’m only wanting what I can’t have, but I’d do anything to make this feeling go away. Why can’t I love my wife and be happy to have such an amazing person in my life. Will this regret for not sleeping around before getting married ever fade away. I said that I WAS a Christian, because I don’t believe in God any more. I just feel duped by religion now. So now my moral compass is spinning out of control. I know that marriage is about living for the other person, but all I can think about is myself.I feel selfish and despicable.I’m finally married and should be happy but instead I just feel trapped and alone.
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christian, engaged, her ex, trapped Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009): Jolin, are you going to tell me that you really don't think there was deception here?
Oh yeah, for some couples the issue really might just never come up. But THIS GUY? This christian, virgin, 20s guy?
Get real. We can be pretty sure that either she lied with words or at least lied by omission. At the very least she knew this was something that was important to him and that he was wrongly assuming her clean past. And that means she knew she should have come clean about it.
A
female
reader, Jolin  +, writes (18 August 2009):
 "She screwed, he sacrificed, she lied, and now she benefits and he pays. It's that simple. "WOW!!! have read carefully dude?? which part on the question said she lied????while i read the question, this man said: " I found this out after we got engaged. I thought the feelings of resentment for her would go away, but it has only gotten worse." LOL!!! That's why i said it's ironic! if he thought virginity is important why he jumped to that marriage...gimme a break, lar.. this is so immature! you think marriage is utopia? wow hell NO!! marriage is a hard work!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): "She screwed, he sacrificed, she lied, and now she benefits and he pays. It's that simple. "WOW, well said. i did not know she deliberately with held her sexual numbers from him. should have read properly. i wondered how come with your religious background and your moral beliefs you chose the sexual party animal.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): RAINFORFIRE, the reason that he wants to trade 90% for 10% is because that 10% is gonna keep hurting for 100% of the rest of his life. BABY DUCK, the only reason he feels dumped by God and wants to sleep around is because of her past and his. His belief in God has left him thinking his total celibacy was getting him something. Like earning him the right not to have to think about his wife being a slut every day.Almost everyone here, including the original poster, is doing a masterful job of talking about everything except the obvious truth - she didn't initially tell him about her past (which TOTALLY conflicted with everything he sacrificed for) until he was already engaged and emotionally committed to marriage. There is a term for this - emotional manipulation. He was manipulated into feeling like this for the rest of his life so that she could get a man who would not have wanted her if he had been told the truth from day one. Everyone can try to turn his feelings into something that is his fault, but that doens't make it the truth. She screwed, he sacrificed, she lied, and now she benefits and he pays. It's that simple.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): have you tried talking to her about this. if she was so wild in her day maybe she can try using some of her sexual experiences to make your sex life more pleasurable. tell her you want rough sex, outdoor sex, basically anything that you fancy.i do not condone affairs, but is you are feeling like this already you may seem to be in the market shortly. so, instead of indulging out of your marriage, try talking to the wife about your regrets and how you would like to spice up your sex life.
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A
male
reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (14 August 2009):
 If she is a good woman and makes you happy stick by her leavng her now will not make you happy youll just end up alone and miserable or with an std from sleeping around,
If you really want to fall from grace maybe you could get your wife to compromise lke swingers or get her to do a two some i dont kno but why would you trade 90% for 10%
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): I think honesty can do good in many situations. Since your wife used to be so wild I believe she wont be uptight about sexual matters. Can you bring this up somehow when you talk with her? If she agrees and you try with new girls a couple of times, who knows.. you may actually dislike it and stop it. It may help u forget ur resentment. Dont bottle up this kind of things. It will explode one day.
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A
female
reader, ~Confused:(~ +, writes (14 August 2009):
The first that came to my mind was did you tell her this type of talk bothers you? Don't beat yourself up. You are being honest. When you were growing up you did what you thought was best. It does sound as if she finally found the man she was looking for.If most of us were to be honest we would all say the same thing...we want what we don't have. Why is the question I cannot answer. I've been plagued with it all of my life.And God is still with you...and will always be there for you. The God I knew as a child is not the same as the God I know as an adult.
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A
female
reader, Jolin +, writes (14 August 2009):
well man, it's kinda ironic to read your problem. Sorry to say this.
But can you explain what actually the purpose of marriage in your point of view? is it because of sex?? if it is, your reason will never be a strong based to keep your marriage. No matter who you marry with.
I have read on this website that some problems of marriage because of sex..yes, i agree sex is very important in marriage. But when you decided to marry someone..is it about sex???
I am not! If i want to sex, i will do sex. But when it comes to marriage..the only reason for me is i wanna spend the rest of my life with this man. That's it.
I know you must have a very hard time..but, why didnt you tell your wife before marriage that virginity is important? If you regret this time, it's very too late! You hurt yourself, and you hurt her.
My suggestion, learn to forgive her. That's the only thing you can do. The most important thing is today & future. People can change, man! If you think you were Christian, i think you knew the story when your God forgiving a whore.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): First of all, let's dispense with the bullshit and get to the core of the problem here: Would your lack of sowing wild oats bother you so much if she had been a fellow virgin bride? I doubt it. I really doubt it.
I am pretty sure THIS is the real problem here, you've just shifted it around in your mind in an attempt to try to overlook her past choices. Choices that conflict with everything you have believed and sacrificed for.
Don't expect to be understood or sympathized with because you will very rarely ever get it. At least not from most women. They generally won't relate to your feelings in this area, but they generally will blame you for having them.
The truth is that this feeling is never going away as long as you care about this woman. You could be faithful to her, or cheat on her, and it won't matter. You're stuck with it as long as she is in the picture. It's a natural feeling. People used to freely recongnize this back when it didn't cause such a problem.
Others may tell you differently but they're not hurting over this every day and you are. When you get too tired of trying to deny this you will eventually face the truth too. You have to leave her or hurt over it the rest of your life.
Partners with mismatched sexual histories are usually trouble. This is not "judging her," it is respecting YOU. You don't have to view her as a bad person just to decide that she is the wrong person for you.
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A
female
reader, Renee okc +, writes (14 August 2009):
You really need to get a hold of yourself. Look buddy you are full of crap what you are looking for is a excuse to do your thing, when you should have done that before you got married. Now you want to resent her for living her life to bring her to the point of wanting to be married and have a future. You are full of shit and it is sad, why are you trying to blame her for your decisions that you made in your life. You choose to wait until marriage before having sex and now she should be punished because she didn't wait are you serious. Yes your feelings of resentment will go away when you get your head on straight and stop judging someone for not living the lifestyle you did. Now you don't believe in God are you serious well that is your choice but I see the problem is you and not your loving wife who has no clue that you secretly hate her because she use to party like young people do. You need therapy a.s.a.p.
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A
male
reader, S-Breeze13 +, writes (14 August 2009):
Chill out! Be proud that you have morals. Just because she slept around, doesn't mean that you should have. Whatever you do, don't commit adultery because you are going through a phase. Be happy that she settled down for you and that she didn't have meaningless sex with you like she did with the other guys. Another thing, this isn't worth becoming an athiest over and nothing is.
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