A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,I am caught up with two men that one took care of his child and then the next one disowned his children by me.Long story short I want your opinion on this the first man I have two children by him he never paid a dime? For the second guy I have one child by him he did everything under the sun for her he even played dad to my other two. So now childsupport has caught up with the deadbeat making him pay dearly but the second dad has been there all the time but do to him losing his job he haven't been able to take care of our daughter even though she is grown now.So since he has been a great dad I was thinking about dropping childsupport signing him off I think he really has went out of his way to do more than he should have done.Will I regret this or not:0 Reply to this Question
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (8 October 2013):
 Child support is not punishment. It costs on average approximately $200,000 to raise a child until the age of 18. If one parent doesn't pay his or her share of support, it falls to the other one to pick up the slack. In the case of parents in poverty, the taxpayers help pick up the slack.
When there are back payments, that means that the parent who picks up the slack is denied other uses of that money, including choices that could be made to better one's career and earning power, upgrades in housing, the interest that could have been gained from saving that money, the purchase of career tools or education needed to upgrade one's net worth.
Not paying child support quite simply hamstrings the parent who has to carry the entire load. One could argue that the failure or refusal to pay child support is the real punishment that the deadbeat parent can inflict on the custodial one.
Your child may be grown, but if the payments are *back* payments from when the child WASN'T grown, those are choices that were taken away from you, key purchases you couldn't make, career paths you couldn't choose because of the increased financial obligation brought upon you. That's not "punishing" the other parent not carrying his share of the burden.
Now, the good dad who fell behind in his payments due to job loss - he did help in other ways and went above and beyond the call of duty with your other children, you have to decide if his efforts are worth the payments you'll forgive.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2013): The ONLY reason why someone would consider relieving a father from paying child support is if you were so financially secure that you could easily provide finacially for the child yourself.Child support should continue until any child is 18 or 21 if the child is a student in college. Some state laws vary, so it depends on where you live.I am not sure why you are not going after the other father for due support. Most states will garnish the person's wages, take it from tax returns, for examples so you get what is owed for your children. The other guy should not have to support these kids, but it's quite honorable that he has been. He will get another job and he will get caught up again. You do whatever you need to do to contribute until then and put more of the focus on finding out how you can collect from the deadbeat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): Thanks for the additional details. It is general consensus that child-support is "punishment" rendered by child support courts. There are angry divorced parents or ex-partners who use this as just a form of vengeance (in their minds); but it's actually protection for the support and well-being of a child usually under the age of 18. The laws differ from state to state, and amounts paid are usually calculated and based on the income of the parents.Under mitigating circumstances, and as the child reaches maximum age, the amount paid can be adjusted; or, as you're doing, you can have support payments ended. If she's working and 23 years old, there isn't much issue with ending the payments.Many sperm-donors don't realize that it's not only the mother's responsibility to feed, cloth, and support your children; it's equally their father's obligation. You don't have to love them; but by law, you still have to financially support your offspring.Glad you caught that deadbeat, and I hope those children get ever last cent coming to them. You've struggled, and now it's his turn to make up where he let all of you down.I know of a case of a 48 year-old deadbeat father of three. He owned boats, luxury cars, properties; and a lived happily for six years before his ex caught up with him. She lost her good job when the economy tanked. She managed on temp jobs and selling cosmetics on the side; and raised her kids alone, until her brother caught up with that jerk. She didn't bother to even look for him!Needless to say, he's paying through the nose now. Good for both her and you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): WiseOwlE This story is about me having two children by a deadbeat childsupport was enforced now he has been caught. The second guy always have been a stand up guy now that his daughter is full grown she has a job doing for her self.Now that the good guy has lost his job I am willing to drop childsupport against him.For the deadbeat he will be paying til the end:0
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): Thanks for the feed back all of my children are grown my oldest is daughter is 23,the second daughter by the great dad is 20,and my son is18 still in school about to graduate so hey it's fine by me .I really think job well done in my eye:)
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 October 2013):
 My questions is also - How old is she?
I have to say if she is 18+, I would most likely not ask for child support if he supported the child in question + your other 2 children, like a father should, while he was able. But like YouWish said it depends on the state. And in some states if you ask to not receive CS your child can miss out on certain benefits when it comes to college. So TALK to your contact at Child Support Services.
Deadbeat "dad", YEAH I'd make him pay back-owed Child support til the cows come home. If he FATHERED two children he can't just go and disown his children because he doesn't WANT to pay. It doesn't WORK that way.
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (7 October 2013):
So, if your new guy was really awesome to your kids, why is he behind on payments for child support? And how much are we talking about exactly?
Also, you're from the United States, meaning that while many states cut off at age 18, many others do not. There are different Ages of Majority in different states, and you need to familiarize what they are.
For example, in Indiana, Mississippi and New York, the child support continues until age 21, not 18. Also, other states will continue child support until 19 or 21 if the child is a full time student.
So, it's up to you I guess. You'd be forgiving the dad for his child support back payments because he was a good dad to your two other kids. That's generous, but don't feel forced or guilted or obligated. There are other ways to ease things for him, including reducing what's owed, suspending or allowing for time, and so on.
Also, unless he's asked you for a break, it's possible that you may be wounding his pride in being a provider if you extend charity or whatever. If he loves his child, he may be hell-bent to honor his obligations and would not want to take the easy way out. It also keeps money from wrecking the relationship as well, as it may create awkward feelings to say "you don't have to pay it", but he could feel like it hangs over his head like a loan or a gift to be used later in a rough conversation.
So, you can if you want, but be careful. There are options, and there are egos, and there are state laws. Consult the courts before telling him any decision you may have.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2013): A father has an obligation to financially support his children until they are of legal-age; and able to sustain life on their own. If he isn't co-parenting, money is the least he can offer.The court will not enforce child-support indefinitely; but if he owes it, he should pay it. I don't care if he is out of work. What would he do if he was a live-in father? You didn't go after the deadbeat, now you're considering cutting off support from the one who pays?First of all, a man financially supporting his daughter isn't punishment. It's not about you, it's about his daughter. It is his contribution to her well-being and security.He pays according to the child-support decree, until it ends. She can otherwise sue him on her own. She didn't ask either of you to be born.It's his moral obligation as a father. He isn't doing anyone any favors. He was the sperm-downer. He didn't have to support the others. Why was it okay then? You shouldn't have taken his money for children that weren't his. If you didn't find it necessary to make their own father pay.Give him a break until he's on his feet. Otherwise; let him be a man, and show his daughter what a man should do. It's all about the children. Parents are supposed to sacrifice for them. Otherwise, they should be put up for adoption for someone willing to take care of them. You worked hard to care for them, give yourself a break.How old is your daughter, and how does she feel about it?It's her money! Even if you're not getting along with her and she's a pure pain in the butt.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (7 October 2013):
 If your youngest is over 18 then yes he should be allowed to stop paying child support, as your daughter is old enough to earn her own money. I am sure he would go on supporting her in his own way as he has always done but without the monthly demand. I am assuming your other kids are older too so would either be working or studying and it seems like you have gotten their dad to finally pay what he owes for them, so yep I say let the other dad off the financial hook...it's the right thing to do.
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reader, llifton +, writes (7 October 2013):
 you say she is grown. how grown is she?
only you can make this decision. it sounds as though it would be a nice thing for you to do for him, considering he has always done what a father is supposed to do and taken care of his child. and even went above and beyond and was a father figure to two other children who were not his biological children. i say good for him. if you are in a means financially where it will not effect any of your children to lose that money, i say you should help him out and cut him some slack. however, if you think it will potentially effect your kids, don't do it. they come first.
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