A
female
age
36-40,
*ustoverit
writes:My boyfriend and I just broke up two days ago. Prior to this we were having some problems, but we talked about it and things seemed to get better.Three nights ago was our anniversary,he never gets weekends off from work, but he requested off. At thw last minute my mom told me she could not watch our kids. I flet bad and told him to go out with his friends,not thinking he actually would. He did not return home until the next morning @ 7am. We argued he said he was sorry, and did it all over the next night. I left when he returned the next morning. I hacked his facebook account and found out he had sex with a girl the nite of our anniversary and made plans to do it the next night as well. Im so hurt, because he always told me he would never cheat on me and he did. And he explained to me it was my fault because he had not been happy with me for a while. I cant stop crying I cant stop thinking about it and to make things worse there were more girls he was talking to telling them he was single, and basically asking them if he could be there boyfreind. He status even says he is single. My heart is broken because I thought that he loved me more than that and I cant explainb how graphic and descriptive the message was from the girl he slept with. My mind is racing because I dont know how long he has been cheating or how many times he has done it. The thought of him doing that to me breaks my heart.I need help how do I stop thinking about it? how do I stop crying? How do I get better? And will I ever meet someone that truly loves me and feels that Iam enogh for him that he wont cheat on me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, justoverit +, writes (28 July 2011):
justoverit is verified as being by the original poster of the question The encouraging words you guys have been giving me have been really useful.I try to tell myself he is no good for me and rite now I still feel nothing but sadness and anger when I think about him. Everytime I talk to him he says it was an accident, he was drunk, he is sorry. He says that was the first time he cheated and he loves me. When he says these things I kind of get confused. I still love him very much, and I'm still very angry but a part of me kind of misses him and I dont know what to do? I asked him for space but he still calls everyday.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Sorry I mean "I would leave HIM"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): Not your fault, not your mother's fault, not the fault of anyone else in this world but his own.
People cheat because of their own issues, and clearly from what you say he has plenty of them.
The poster who wrote that nasty stuff below is an ahole and doesn't know what he's talking about, probably a cheater, or worse, who has lots of excuses for his own behavior.
You did the right thing by hacking the fb account, you now know what you have in a bf and you can get out of it.
Grieve, it is natural, and can last for a few months, be cautious with next relationship, and don't do this (cheat) yourself in the future just because it has been done to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2011): What the heck?The anon. guy didn't blame your mother. He just pointed out a mistake she made. He blamed you and your ex-boyfriend. I really find it odd, that noone here tries to understand anyone. They're all like "he cheated, leave him, get over it"It's not always that simple.Now for my opinion: I would leave it. Not because he cheated on you (because nobody can say for sure he did it more than 1 time and given the circumstances ...), I would do it, because he hid the fact, that he did so and because he made plans to do it again and because he tried to blame you for HIS cheating. It is not a guy to be pursuing.One more thing. Why does everyone think the end justifies the means? Hacking into another Facebook account is not right, even if you find out something you searched for. It proves absolute mistrust, jealousy and in some countries it is illegal. Are those the terms you can maintain a good relationship with? If he really was the longterm cheating type, you would've found sooner or later by other means than hacking. If it were just 1 mistake you probably wouldn't have found out and he would have had to live with the guilt. Well you found out and he's not worth it in this case. But what about the next guy?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): dump him at once. he's a cheater and may be addicted to it. you are wrong if you think he will be all right. NO WAY. Such people never change. Ignore the answer of male annon. How come your mother is wrong?? she's not. Don't blame her. You are lucky that you could hack his FB. If you hadn't done it, you would never have known about his real life. He's no good than a stray dog. SORRY!
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (26 July 2011):
The most important thing I have to say is this is in no way your fault, or your mom's fault. At all. Period. The poster that wrote that is completely misguided.
I can say I know how you feel and truly mean it. My ex-wife cheated on me, and had done so over a period of years. I had suspicions for a long time... deep down I knew what was going on, I just didn't want to believe it. Eventually I got to the point you did, where I had to do some snooping to confirm my suspicion. My first discovery was a cell phone. It was a second, secret phone that she used to call and text her lovers so that there wouldn't be any evidence on her main phone or our joint phone bill. I then recovered hundreds of emails, some of which were graphic and explicit.
The pain was immense. I fell into depression. I convinced myself that I was somehow to blame. I thought I'd never be able to trust a woman again.
You know what? Time truly does heal everything! The wound is so fresh right now, you're feeling the worst of it. Your outlook will get better! Your self esteem will return! You'll find love again!!
What I advise is that you take some time being single. Shift the focus to YOU. Rediscover what you enjoy doing, improve your life where you can. Comfort yourself by hanging out and having fun with your friends. In time your confidence will return, the bad memories will fade and you'll be ready to date again. Don't rush it, though. Jumping back into the dating pool too quickly can lead to a rebound relationship that is doomed to fail, and the additional heartbreak that comes with it.
Something else to think about is that this could be a whole lot worse. You're still YOUNG, you have your whole life ahead of you. You didn't find out your boyfriend was a cheater after being married to him for 20 or 30 years. You've got plenty of time to seek our someone worthy of you, and while it was painful - this experience will help you when evaluating potential mates going forward.
I wish you all the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): it is NOT your fault for his cheating. i think he has cheated previously as well.
and your mum for whatever reason she couldnt babysit for you: well, it is not her fault as well. the Anon male who blamed both you and your mother , well im shocked.
as for hacking his fb account: at least now you know what and who u are dealing with.
did u show him the evidence u found??
hun, one day at a time. cry if you want to but make some decisions. and well, create your peace...........its not good for the kids to see you in this state.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, justoverit +, writes (26 July 2011):
justoverit is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all the positive feedback and I am trying my hardest to not think about it because everytime I do, it brings me to tears. Thank you guys for the advice
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Please ignore the person who blames your mother and you for this. This is NOT your fault, nor your mothers fault. He would have cheated on you, and most likely has been, way before and has nothing to do with one night. You're going to start thinking "what if my mom didn't do that..." and blame her for it...when it's not her fault! Nor is your fault. You looked at his facebook, as a majority of girls do this. Don't blame anyone but him, as it's HIS fault. End things with him, and never look back. The pain lasts for a few weeks to a month, but end the end it's worth it.
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Look, if he had a problem with you then he should have told you about it. Instead he did the cowardly thing and went behind your back hoping you would never know. Everyone feels the way you are feeling after what you just went through. It's because you still love him and you don't know why but also you don't want to anymore, you just cant help it right now. You think you did everything right and he cheated anyway. Now what you have to do is realize that he wasnt good enough for you. You deserve better and he deserves what he gets. And trust me, he will realize what a mistake he made somewhere down the line and try with you again, but by then you will have moved on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): Your both at fault here.
You for snooping around his FB account, he for cheating and not telling you.
First off, what kind of b**** is your mother for backing out at the last moment? I mean I could understand if she doesn't want to, but why not tell you beforehand and give you enough time to come up with an other solution? I think she knew, that it was your anniversary, which only makes this worse. Tell your mother what an *** she is.
Then your boyfriend. He made preparations to spend time with you, I think he was so looking forward to it. And you just walked all over it by saying he should go out with his friends. Can you imagine his frustration? The third anniversary is one of the most important dates in a relationship. It is well possible, that he took this the wrong way and thought you were going to break up with him. Which makes it understandable, why he slept with an other woman. He just didn't care about anything anymore. What I don't like, is the fact, that he didn't tell you. Maybe he was going to but wasn't able, because a certain someone snooped around his FB account and found out beforehand. But how can anyone know now?
Which makes my third point. You apparently don't trust him at all. Why else would you "hack" into his FB account? It almost sounds like you're doing this on a regular basis. Give him some privacy. Learn to trust him.
So what do you do now?
Sit together, talk about it. Give him privacy, demand honesty and together make up for your messed up anniversary.
Crying will do you no good and if you are too possessive you might never find someone who feels that you should be in his life.
I'm sorry for my harsh words, but consider them ...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2011): What an absolute idiot(your boyfriend). None of this is your fault. That's the classic cheaters defence mechanism 'well if you would have sex more/cook more/wear more make up' tell him to save his excuses for his next girl.
Please please please dump this pathetic boy and don't even consider going back.it will be hard but your self respect is worth a lot more than this person.
As for healing- you need to go through all of this pain, anger, hurt, sadness- you need to go through all of these emotions in order to heal. Its not easy but you have to give yourself time, be patiant with yourself.
The reason you need to go through all of these emotions is so that next time he comes knocking, you can remember the pain he inflicted on you and you will have the sense to say 'thanks but no thanks' and you will be a much stronger person at the end of it.
Look after number 1, if you don't look after yourself then you can't look after your kids and right now they need you. So stay strong for them and tough this out. Your-hopefully now-ex is not worth anymore of your energy. he is a waste of space and I feel for the next girl who falls for his babble. Let him have his miserable single life. You deserve a genuine good man to keep your feet warm at night, and that man will come along.
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