A
female
age
30-35,
*l92
writes:I've been with a guy for over 5 years now - 3 years being a long term relationship and living together for 2 years. About a week ago, he went out with work colleagues and out of the blue he said he didn't want to be with me. He told me that he enjoys the thought of meeting new people and starting a fresh as he isn't ready for commitment. I'm moving back home, which is over an hour away and he doesn't even care about what he has put me through for the past few days. He says it will be like a break but then says he isn't sure if he wants me back... He blows hot and cold about the situation. I'm 21 and he is 26. He says I haven't done anything wrong and that I'm a wonderful person who is special to him - that it's what he feels he wants before being committed. He told me he isn't going to delete my number or block me from social sites. Does anyone deserve to go through such heartache especially when I haven't done anything wrong? Will there ever be a time while we have broken up where he will regret what he has done, know what a mistake he has made and feel guilty for what he has put me through? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Have you ever gotten back together?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2014): I so agree with the person who wrote the following:"He does believe you are a wonderful person and you are special to him. BUT you are NOT his one and only wonderful person and while you are special to him you are NOT the special ONE.""It is not a mistake FOR HIM…. He just does not feel about you the way you feel about him and the way you WANT him to feel about you."I know it's painful BUT there will come a time when you will be OK. My best advice is to NOT take him back or even continue seeing him as a friend because his feelings toward you are unlikely to change and it will be all the harder on you. Take this advice from someone who's been there.Do yourself a favor and let him go entirely. One day you'll find someone who will be compatible and you will find happiness. Much luck!
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (19 June 2014):
 Years from now when you look back on this, you will be so grateful to him for breaking up with you now, because that freed you up to meet the real love of your life. I know it's hard to believe now but things will get better for you.
And I agree with SVC: get that book,it is wonderful!
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (19 June 2014):
 Dear tl92,
I read your post and mulled over how to give you the bad news. It’s never nice to hear what we don’t like.
Mark really nailed it in explaining how young you two were when you started.
He blows hot and cold about the situation because he is hot and cold. HE THINKS he should do one thing but he does NOT feel the way he thinks he should or probably WANTS to. IF he does not feel that way you can’t force it. You have to be graceful about letting him go.
He says you haven’t done anything wrong because you haven’t. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU. I strongly urge you to get a copy of a great book called “A Fine Romance” by Dr. Judith Sills. It will explain to you that no matter what you think or feel, that his behavior is NOT personal towards you. It’s all about him and his needs.
He does believe you are a wonderful person and you are special to him. BUT you are NOT his one and only wonderful person and while you are special to him you are NOT the special ONE. I know this is hard to accept and even understand but he is being honest with you there.
The problem with asking if you DESERVE to go through this heartache is that it’s the wrong question. There is no deserve or not deserve.. LIFE IS NOT FAIR…. And stuff happens. And it sucks.
He MAY regret it later on but I doubt it. I think 20 years from now he will have fond memories of you as long as you let the relationship pass gracefully and don’t make a huge deal about the fact that he has moved on emotionally.
It is not a mistake FOR HIM…. He just does not feel about you the way you feel about him and the way you WANT him to feel about you.
It sucks.. I’ve been in his shoes when I broke up with my first boyfriend. We had been together for 3 years from the time I was 15 and when I broke up with him I cried harder than he did and I made the very Freudian slip of saying “we have to break OUT” instead of we have to break up….
The absolute best thing you can do is accept his break up gracefully and wish him well and leave him be.
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reader, Mark1978 +, writes (19 June 2014):
 Hello
I am sorry to hear of your troubles. This is a very common situation in couples your age who have been together since their teens. Many of us go through it. I hope you can take some comfort knowing that most of us go through a similar experience and survive. Very few of us end up spending our whole lives with a partner we got together with as teenagers/very early adulthood because in our early to mid twenties our situation, emotions, life experience, needs, expectations and maturity changes so much, so fast that it can effect our relationships big time despite our best efforts.
The two of you got together very young. You yourself were 15/16 and he was 19/20 when you first started dating. You were both teenagers in a teenage relationship. Now you have both moved on to become adults - more mature, more experienced and more realistic, him especially at 26. We all change an awful lot in the first half of our twenties and you have both changed so much since the two of you first met. Its so common for couples in their twenties, who got together as teens, to suddenly find they are no longer compatible either because one has out matured the other, or because life experience and maturity has created two very different adults with very different outlooks and needs out of two once highly compatible teens. Often its because one person in the relationship suddenly feels the need to experience adult life with different people or enjoying some adult life being free and single.
Do you deserve heartbreak when you have done nothing wrong? No of course not but i'm afraid life isn't fair. There are so many innocent people who suffer heart break or tragedy through no fault of their own. Its a sad reality of life.
Why does he want to start afresh? Why does he want to enjoy freedom after five years with you? well he obviously has spent pretty much the whole of his adult life in a relationship with you, and you have spent the whole of your adult life with him. Now that he is that bit older he is obviously having the very common feeling in people his age, who have been with the same person all of their adult life, of questioning whether he has missed out on freedom, experiencing other partners, etc. He has also got to a stage where he is thinking that he perhaps has no other adult relationships to compare this one too, no yardstick, no way to know for sure if this relationship is what he wants for the long term future as he has no comparisons.
I do also wonder if the age gap between you is now starting to show. You are 21 and still have a lot ahead of you in terms of maturing, gaining life experience and so on, whereas he is now 26 and will have become pretty much the person he will be from this age onwards. At 26 most of us are hugely different to how we were at 21, as is our view of the world around us, our maturity and our outlook.
Im not trying to make excuses for his behaviour or justify what he has done, but I do think you need to take a step back and accept that this is a relationship of five years between two young people who are both doing a lot of changing. Some couples mature, change and develop together, most drift apart and want different things.
Why does he blow hot and cold?
Well on one hand he knows he wants out and wants to meet new people, "find himself" and experience life as an adult without the same person he has shared the whole of his adult life with so far. On the other hand its hard to move on and split completely from a partner you have spent the whole of your adult life with. Its always harder when its your first true love, your first proper relationship. He is caught between action and habit, between wanting to break free while knowing its a huge step to spend time away from the person he has shared the whole of his adult life
so far with.
You need to end this and move on. As others have said, the chances are he will move on and you will still be waiting for his return. If you do have a break of a substantial amount of time the chance are you will both have changed anyway by the time you try to get it back on track. No contact is the best way forward, is a big step for you both, but the only sensible option.
Best of luck
Mark
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (19 June 2014):
 You write: "Will there ever be a time while we have broken up where he will regret what he has done, know what a mistake he has made and feel guilty for what he has put me through? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Have you ever gotten back together?"
Answers:
He will regret breaking up on those nights when he is unable to find some other girl to put out for him. BUT, except for that (those times) he won't regret a darn thing.
He doesn't "know" that he made a mistake. That is YOUR take on the situation. If he finds other girls to take your place, he'll never have to imagine that he made a mistake by dumping you.
Guys to not have "guilty" in their range of emotions.
Many guys and girls have been in this situation. Your submittal could be submitted by many women, any day.
Some/ a few couples who go through what you've described can, or will, "get back together." A few will have a successful "together" over the long term. A few more will bounce back-and-forth over time. And a few will make an attempt at "get back together" and find that it's no better this next time than it was the last time...
Good luck...
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (19 June 2014):
 Well, it seems to me that he wants to hold in you reserve, just in case it's isn't as much "fun" meeting new people as he think it is.
Personally, I think he feels like he "missed" out of something by being in a long term relationship with you. And now he wants to play catch up, but stringing you along (telling you it's a break, not a break up, but he isn't sure about the future blah blah blah...) He knows he can get you back if he feels lonely or starts missing you, or having a steady GF.
Will he regret breaking up? Maybe, maybe not.
You want him to feel as BAD as you feel and most likely that isn't going to happen. YOU wouldn't want to be with a guy who doesn't want to BE with you, do you? And HE didn't want to BE with you anymore. He wants to BE single. HE did the right thing in breaking up with you. However, calling it a break (not break up) ensures that HE has a fall back plan (you) in case being single sucks. AND THAT isn't right. That is kind of unfair to you.
The thing is, for NOW - right now - it doesn't matter what he WANTS, FEELS or THINKS. WHAT matters is YOU.
Do you want to wait on the sidelines while he goes out and do the single guy routine? Date other girls? Have sex with random chicks? Ignore you while doing his thing?
I think your relationship has come to an end.
You were 16 when you two met. He was 20. You both have had some growth in those 5 years.
If I were you, I'd remove him from my life. I'm sorry I would not put my life on hold and wait for him to want me again. Like some old favorite shoe.
I'd remove/delete/block whatever it takes to remove him, and then have NO further contact. Then take some time to mourn the relationship, then LOOK to the future. I don't know if you are working or in school or whatnot, but FIND something you want to do with your life other then be some guy's GF.
Find YOUR happiness, and not though another person. Find your independance.
And in time you WILL meet someone who wants to BE with you and whom YOU want to be with.
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