A
female
age
36-40,
*uman-mishra
writes:I’ve been dating a guy. Its been a year and I really love him. The thing is, he has some major relationship issues that i believe . His ex cheated on him which has caused him to be very closed off and wary of relationships. I really think we have something real here but I don’t wanna waste my time with a guy who will always be too afraid to show his emotions. Is there any way for me to help him with his issues and help him to love me again the way he loved her? At the beginning of the relationship, he was very aloof and while he would continue to make plans with me, he never really seemed that excited about the prospect of a new relationship with me. It was his first relationship.He told me when we were friends that he thought that they were going to be together forever. He whole heartily loved her with his whole being.She cheated on him. He loved her so much that he was willing to try and work things out. but she left him for some one else. when we got into this relationship I became very curious about this girl. I was very upset to learn (from facebook) that she is very beautiful. I started suffering from severe feelings of inferiority.I still suffer from severe plagues of self doubt and feel like I can never compare to what this girl was to him.He used to be a very romantic person..but with me he hardly express himself. When we are together he cook food for me..he take care of me when i m sick. he always listens to me when i talk about friends, my problems.He understands me.he motivates me.. but there are certain thing which bothers me a lot..he was very possessive of her.. initially he was lil bit of possessive about me too. but now he is not.. even if i go out with guy friends.. he take it casually. he never get jealous. when we were friends once he told me that if you are not possessive it means you are not in love..so now i believe..he never get possessive..so maybe he is not in love. He is so practical about everything.he always says career comes first then relationship..your career will be always with you ..relationship are uncertain because there are two people involved here....why he so changed..i am the only one who make plans..he only follows me.whenever we fight,he never try to argue with me,it seems like i am the only one with issues.he told me he used to fight with his ex a lot and they used to cry.these things he told me when we were friends. i think couple who love each other fights. i want that romantic sweet guy back.. i want him to love me the way he used to love her.
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (3 April 2016):
 Bad experiences do make you see people and things in different lights. However, we can't know why he is acting this way.
All relationships are different, and that is good, actually. Maybe you're not just as good as she was in some sense, but then way better in others. Adding here and subtracting there, he would know whether this relationship with you is better for him than the relationship he had with her.
Please be aware that I wrote "better for him". Some other men would no doubt find you way better than the other girl, simply because they would value other aspects.
I believe that you have a right to a relationship that is judged on its own terms, not on a comparison with someone else or on fear that you would behave like someone else did. If he can't give you what you want, then you can break up. Maybe you should talk to him about how you feel, and then wait and see if things are better for you.
Don't let this problem be bigger than you, and be prepared for breaking up even if that is not what you want. It will not be the end of the world. You may find someone else who does not have baggage.
Best wishes.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): Been there. Seen it all. It always seemed like my husband was hung up on his ex. I too compared our relationships only because the differences were staring at me in the face. I am now headed for a divorce and guess what? He is already back with his ex and it has not been three months since we separated.
My advice is trust your instincts and run, don't walk. All the best!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2015): You have no idea what he was like when he was with her. Apparently all wasn't rosy when they were together or they would never have ended up divorced.It sounds like he has an intimacy problem and probably did before his spouse cheated. No, he'll probably never open up in the way you hope he will. He probably didn't fully open up to his ex emotionally either, which likely contributed to the failure of their relationship.And it hasn't been enough time for him to get over his relationship with her--not even close. It sounds like he's still in love with her. You're what's called the "rebound lover." He'll likely never feel for you what he felt for her. This is not your fault and is no reflection of you. It has nothing to do with your beauty or what you perceive as hers. You're only seeing the good side of her on Facebook--not the bad. Trust me, there is a bad side.At any rate, this has more to do with him than you. His heart and his thoughts are still geared toward her. He isn't ready to move past it all.I'm sorry. I know it must hurt.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2015): It's not him, it's you.' I became very curious about this girl. I was very upset to learn (from facebook) that she is very beautiful. I started suffering from severe feelings of inferiority.I still suffer from severe plagues of self doubt and feel like I can never compare to what this girl was to him.'You need to work on you. On being happy with yourself. There will always be someone smarter, more beautiful than you. The key to happiness in life is to focus on your strengths. Never mind what everybody else looks like or what they do. The right guy will love you for being you not for being the best at everything (no one is the best at everything)Whether he still has feelings for her or not, who knows. The key question is are you satisfied with how he loves you? Without comparing your relationship to any other relationships, are you happy? Trying to replicate their relationship is a futile exercise and will only frustrate you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2015): Great answers already! I think it's true he probably needed more time to get over this... The way he is internalizing it says a lot about him. Most people know a cheater is a cheater and they don't take it on but he seems to be naming himself
Also beauty doesn't save anyone from cheating. Halle Berry was cheated on don't forget. People love people for many reasons
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2015): You are mature enough to know that you shouldn't compare your relationships with others.
What you are creating together is unique unto itself. Give yourself some credit, you are reawakening something that is closed-off to others; and helping him to find his way back.
He is sharing his past which is part of moving forward into the present; but ask him not to bring up his old relationship too often. It's okay for you to stop him. Not because you're jealous; but because you want him to focus on what you have to offer, and who you are NOW. Take notice of your good attributes and qualities. Not as compared to hers; but for the value of your caring and affection that you have injected into his emptiness and loneliness. Your own brand of love and kindness.
Let me explain from his perspective; because I've been there. I was in a relationship for 28 years. It wasn't perfect; but it was great. It started when we were only 17. It grew into something we really didn't expect it to. He was a great companion and lover. Intellectual, funny, very good looking; but he had a big ego. He was an attorney. I had to teach him how to extend his affections, not hide his emotions, and to not be so impressed with himself.
He taught me how to allow myself to be noticed, and not to hide in modesty. Feeling that holding back was necessarily being humble. I grew up in a religious family, and you don't show-off. He showed me it was okay to feel proud of my accomplishments, but still show reasonable humility. I loved him for all his goodness. He was protective and caring of people. Doing all sorts of generous things for charity, doing pro bono publico work for his law firm; and just being a great person. He died of cancer. That left me completely devastated. I felt lost. Suddenly all alone.
I disagree about being jealous over people to prove love.
You are also jealous and protective over possessions and property. I'm nobody's property, and I don't own other people. I trust those I love, or I can't love them if I didn't.
I couldn't date for over a year after my partner died. I was celibate, because I felt weird about sex with other guys. I felt guilty and awkward. Wondered if it was too soon to want to spend time with other guys. I turned down dates, or spooked when someone got too close. I admit, I was a hot mess. I threw myself into work. Tried to numb myself with ambition and sought success. Some of the guys who tried to date me are now good friends. I just didn't have it in me to romance them. I love then dearly all the same. They support me, I support them. It's hard to find.
I'm very loyal, and they appreciate that.
Until this one guy came along. He was charming, had lots of money, hot, silver-haired, and just wooed me like nobody's business. He'd call, send me flowers and gifts, and hounded me until I decided I'd give him a chance. I just felt hollow inside. Going through the motions. Intrigued all the same.
Grief took it's toll. Admittedly, I couldn't feel much. The sex was out of this world. Yet, I was still aloof. Not too impressed otherwise. He took me on vacations, and I spent tons of money on him. We had a wonderful time together.
He then suggested that he be my boyfriend. I remember my response. My very words were: "That sounds ridiculous. I can't even repeat what you just said. It sounded so silly." A good friend and colleague of my departed companion advised me to take the leap. So I did.
I didn't feel the same with him as with my first. I felt different. Yet good. The numbness slowly melted away. He worked hard at bringing me out of myself. It worked. I thought I eventually fell in love. Guess what? One day out of the blue he told me I deserved someone better, and dumped me. As I worked through it, I wrote some articles for DC. I shared with others. I advise others. It helped me to heal. These aunts and uncles here are fabulous people. The readers are so kind and encouraging. I'm myself and better. Even your post reminds me of how far I've come.
After being dumped, my pride was crushed. I felt stupid and foolish. Used and dumped like garbage. It felt like hell. Then I realized. I felt something!!! I actually felt for someone. He woke me up inside. Oh, I think he's a piece of sh*t for dumping me. Yet he gave me something good. I can feel again. Not be afraid to open my feelings and love someone new. I can accept being loved!
Now I've found someone else. He's totally different. He's special and unique. He brings out the best in me. He inspires me, and we click. I mean he's comfortable in so many ways. What if I compared everyone to my dearly departed lover? My new guy was cheated on many times. Yet he isn't bitter or cynical. He isn't shutoff like I was.
He teaches me about feelings I never knew I had. I'm a compassionate person, and he encourages that side of me.
He gets very sentimental sometimes, and I don't handle compliments well. He tells me how me how I make him feel inside. He has to share what he feels. At that moment. So I've learned to accept his compliments with grace and gratitude. Each new person who came into my life after my loss was different. They had others they loved, and I only care about what we build together. I give him something that he says makes him better, and he gives me something that makes me better. It comes from who he is and how different he is. How unfamiliar he is to me, which allows me to be even more curious to get to know him. Through those I loved in the past, it helps me to care for him better. You'll do the same. You wrote the post, because you're a caring kind of person. Your concerns are legit.
You are bringing him out of the past. You are making him better. You are awakening feelings in him for someone other than her. You can't make him forget someone he loved. You can make him love someone new. That's what you've got NOW, sweetheart! Don't worry about her, or her fading effect on him. In his own way, he is already giving what he is able to you. You are why he is healing thus far.
So gently nurture it. Be patient. It worked on me. I think if you don't allow your insecurity to get the better of you; you will help him to care for you because you are different. Because you caught his attention out of nowhere.
Because you have your own special qualities to offer him.
You are bringing him out of his past, and into the now, the present. With you!
If it becomes a chore trying to open him up. Give-up. What you deserve should come freely and equal to what you give.
It should not be laborious to get love from someone; it is a gift given freely. However; after trauma, trust has to be rebuilt slowly but surely. He already gives you his heart; but you're worried too much about her. That might be more of your problem than it is his. Focus more on what you're getting, and work with it.
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A
female
reader, suman-mishra +, writes (4 September 2015):
suman-mishra is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe left him in 2012..we started dating in 2014..i think 2 year is enough for someone to move on completely.he was with her for 3 years.
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A
female
reader, MSA  +, writes (4 September 2015):
 First and foremost - Do Not Compare Relationships!!Every relationship is different, so don't go and compare.. it is soooooo unhealthy and will break what you have instantly.Secondly - Do Not Compare Yourself To Others!You are you, he loves you for who you are. Regardless of how beautiful she looks, it's clear that her personality does not match your boyfriend's, hence they are broken up. Your physical appearance doesn't have to be as good or better than her. But your personality can outshine her's any time. That's what you need to know and focus on. I also think that he went too quickly from one relationship to another. During the first year you were together, he might still trying to 'get over her'.. not saying that he was not serious about being with you, just saying that often times it takes a bit of time for someone to get over an ex.. maybe that's why he was acting the way he was... aloof.Also, many men learn from mistakes with the ex and try to avoid doing certain things in the new relationship. Maybe he really hated arguing with his ex and it really took a toll on their relationship, that's why with you, he is more mellow and patient. He's trying to avoid past mistakes and make this work with you. Give him some credit.If you want him to do something... just ask him. For example, 'Baby, I want you to plan a date night for us this Friday. You pick the place and take me!'.. then patiently wait for him to take you out, and please, no complaints :PGive it time.. and please, please, DO NOT compare.. it will drive you crazy
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