A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all, I'm looking for some advice regarding my sex life.I ended a 6 year relationship around a year and a half ago and in the time I've taken since then to get over it, I've realised just how damaging that past relationship was. He had a very dominating personality which at first was great because I am quite a shy person, but over the years he seemed to chip away at my confidence until my expectations were practically zero. He only had time to see me once a week, I was last on his priority list and he refused to discuss the future with me, yet for a long time I felt so grateful to be with him that I accepted any little scraps he threw at me. Around a year before we finished, I finally started to see the relationship for what it was and I started to stand up to him more, although it did take me that year to finally accept it was toxic and leave. The problem lies in that final year, in that he still expected sex every time I saw him. Much of the time the idea repulsed me which caused so many arguments as he would point out that I shouldn't expect a monogamous relationship if I wasn't willing to meet his needs. It got to the point where he'd ask for sex and I'd tell him I really didn't want to (he knew why but ignored my attempts to talk about the issues I had) but I said I would do it for him and he would agree. He simply didn't care how I felt as long as he got sex. Thinking about it, I didn't orgasm with him for probably around 3 years (he never asked if I did and he took my attempts to explain what I needed as criticisms on his performance so I gave up trying). I even cried silently during the last time we had sex because I hated it so much and he didn't even notice.Right after that I ended the relationship and I've never looked back. I have been going to therapy since then and my self-esteem is so much better now. In most ways I'd say I'm fully over it. However, I am having trouble getting over the idea that sex is all about the man's pleasure.I know that it's largely my fault for putting up with such treatment for such a long time and logically I know that there are lots of men who care if their woman is satisfied, yet so often I hear female friends complain about feeling pressured to have sex when they don't feel like it that I worry even a truly loving relationship will reach the stage where I have to 'lie there and take it' or risk losing him. I used to really enjoy sex and I still masturbate regularly, yet I feel this has really tainted my view of the whole experience. My friend has suggested that finding a new lover would be the best way to get over this as it might help me to disassociate it with my ex and start thinking of it as enjoyable again and I'll admit it does make sense, but I don't know if I should be working this out myself first? Like I say, logically I know what I'm feeling is wrong so maybe another lover will be proof of that? Or will it make me feel more used since the chances are it would need to be an fwb type of situation (a lot of the men around here either don't want/shouldn't be in a relationship and I'm being a lot more careful about who I choose to have a relationship with). I mean do fwbs even care if the other person is satisfied? The other option is wait for a relationship and continue to work on this myself, but I feel if anything focussing on it in therapy is making it worse not better as it's all hypothetical at the moment plus it's keeping it at the forefront of my mind.Any advice would be helpful. Thank you so much!
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confidence, my ex, orgasm, sex life, shy Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 May 2016):
 There could be several reasons why you have emotionally detached yourself from men in the past, it is quite possible you did not want any off them to hurt you therefore you mentally built up a barrier. You telling yourself that men only want sex so that they can get satisfaction is your way off putting yourself down and allowing yourself to believe it is okay to be used by men like this. I think this is how you reasoned with yourself when you where with your ex.
Sex is not something we need to do, but I think you feel that this is what you need to do in order to keep a man, okay so yes you orgasm and it is not a bad experience, but I think it should be a great experience if it is with someone you love. It should be about both you and him and you both should get something from it.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to you both for your answers.
I know it's my fault that I put up with it for so long, I did state that in my original post and I fully agree with it. I've given this a lot of thought since I posted this and now I've read your answers I feel like it's clear in my head.
I used to enjoy sex and I never really needed a deep connection to do so (I've been with 6 men, 4, were relationships two were not). However, I don't think I've ever actually had good sex. I'm lucky in that I'm very responsive and I can orgasm easily from a biological point of view, yet I have never felt like sex was an emotional or loving experience with any of my exes. Even the ones I was in love with (and who said they loved me). Sex bonded me to them for sure but as far as I could tell, they wanted sex simply because they were horny or they wanted to try a new move they saw in porn, and because I always managed to come I thought I was having good sex. But really that was just biology and a bit of luck. I never felt special to any of them if I really think about it. They were horny and I was their girlfriend so I was happy to oblige. And I'm not saying it wasn't fun, it often was, but it was never meaningful. Towards the end with my last ex I stopped orgasming and without any sort of emotion there, I began to hate and dread sex because it was just for his pleasure by then.
I'm actually quite shocked when I now realise that sex has never felt like an expression of love with any of the men I've been with. It's been completely unrelated in a lot of ways actually. I now realise it's the emotional connection that's missing so that's what I'll look to find. Thanks again for your answers, I can't believe I've never noticed this before!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (22 May 2016):
I think the suggestion of getting a new lover is a silly one. Having a FWB is not going to help you get over this. Do they work? That depends: as the previous poster has so eloquently said, people differ greatly in their ability to separate sex from emotion. Some can, some can’t and it doesn’t sound like you can. Your confidence has been shaken because you were with a man who simply used you to get what he needed without any concern for you, and you allowed him to do that. That’s exactly what FWB involves: do you want to be used again? He will be able to drop you whenever it suits him because it’s no strings.
Sex is what you want it to be. It can be a symbol of control, abuse and exploitation. It can be about nothing more than brute biology. It can be an expression of deep love, affection and desire for another person. It is what you make it together. You have a right not to be rushed or pressured in to having sex, and I think the right person for you will be one who understands what you have been through and is willing to listen to what support you need from him to be able to enjoy sex again when the time is right. Of course the vast majority of relationships require sex at some point, but I don’t think you’re put off sex. I think you just need to feel safe being vulnerable, and that means building a connection with some-one who wants you for who you are.
So the question is whether you are ready to start dating again. If you are, it’s okay to keep sex as part of the longer-term picture and not be the thing you think about as you first establish a connection with some-one.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2016): I don't mean to sound harsh, but your ex was in your life because you let him be there. You may have thought that even him was better than being on your own.
The same goes for sex. You were both using each other. He to meet his basic let's say bodily needs and you used sex as a tool to make him happy and keep him. This is never a good base for sex.
Now, the good thing is that you had sex life before him and enjoyed it! So you actually know what good sex is and you know how to reach an orgasm with a partner (masturbation is another thing completely).
Before you find a lover, you must be clear on one thing (probably more than one ;). Can you separate emotions from sex. Some women can't and there's no shame in that. Can you just have sex with someone without falling for him? Can you have an orgasm in such a situation?
If the answers are yes and yes, than go for it! Sex without emotional baggage when done right can be such a liberating experience.
On the other hand, if you are someone who's wired in such a way that the connection between emotional involvement and orgasm is so strong, than you need to listen to your inner self.
You don't have to prove anything to yourself. You don't have to make yourself do anything that seems like a good idea.
Be kind to yourself. LOVE yourself. Do things for yourself. Eat right, exercise. Buy new clothes if you can afford. Appreciate your body and your beauty.
That is a good start.
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