A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I recently got married and for our wedding present, our friends and family banded together to pay for our visa and relocation expenses (we are long distance). Shortly afterwards my wife was poorly and ended up being too ill to go to work for a few weeks, she doesn't get sick pay so I offered to send her money to help pay for essentials, she declined my offer at the time saying she had enough to get by and I thought everything was okay. It turns out, she spent our wedding money. If anything, I'm upset she didn't feel she could tell me. If I had known how much she was struggling I would have even suggested to her to use the money, because she comes before all else and I just want to know she's safe. But she spent it without discussing it with me and started to save the money up again in secret. But this means we can't close the distance until we've saved enough money and friends and family are confused why we haven't applied for our visa.I reassured her that it was okay, and that we can build the money back up together. Then, she spends $800 on concert tickets? This is where my problem lays and this is where I'm frustrated. I don't know how to go about trying to express that I'm hurt? Initially I was feeling calm about everything and understanding, but after a few days and some time to process the concert tickets thing has me pretty frustrated. This doesn't feel a very good way to start our marriage and I'm upset that she just won't communicate with me. Any advice on how I could express I'm hurt? It feels like she put this concert before us being together. She said she feels guilty about it and she will probably be upset with me when I bring it up again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2023): Sounds like she is scamming you. Have you met this person. Do you really know her. Do you know her family, her friends. Why did you marry when living apart. It doesn't make sense. She's using you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2023): You are talking as if she will care what you think and abide by what you say! Why would she? She has the choice of pleasing you or pleasing herself. She will choose pleasing herself as she has done so far. There is nothing in it for her to put what you want first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2023): If you're living abroad, while she's living in your chosen home-country; I think she might be taking advantage of the distance and your inability to stop her, maybe just a little.
If she is a foreign bride you met on the internet, how well did you know your bride before you decided to tie the knot? Your post comes across as if what she did caught you completely by surprise. She probably assumes the money is primarily for the bride; if she knows which side contributed most, either from the bride's or the groom's. We're all assuming she may not have good spending habits, or know much about budgeting and economizing. In all shared-households this has to be discussed and worked-out, not only in marriages.
If you haven't been married long, this isn't necessarily a pattern; you just haven't sat-down together to discuss spending and budgeting. You have to discuss these things together. You have to compromise/negotiate on how you'll pay the bills; and how you'll spend money on frivolous purchases, or non-essential items. This issue is not really that uncommon between newlyweds.
If you've always splurged on her during your courtship, and jump-in to always pay for everything. Once you start a certain way of doing things together, it is likely to continue until you rework the rules together. Why would you have any problem sitting down with your wife to workout the budget and how money should be spent? Yes, you have to bring it up again; if you didn't have a serious discussion, and haven't come to an understanding.
If you want a reasonably happy marriage, you better make it a habit of being honest and forthcoming with each-other. You do that by being able to communicate and work things out as a partnership. Not by pouting, or internalizing things; which are likely to build-up until you explode in anger.
Love, affection, compatibility, trust, and communication is what marriage is about. It's worked-out and re-tweaked over time; and as long as you're husband and wife. It's a life-time process. It will never be perfect, but you can minimize disharmony.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2023): It is irresponsible to marry someone who is irresponsible. It gets really silly when you choose someone irresponsible as a wife and then expect others to be able to help you with it. Your choice of wife is the problem. She is not going to change, she would much rather spend money than do what you want.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2023): Thank you all for the responses, I've got much to consider. I know she was ill as we were physcially together when she wasn't well, and we both took around 8 weeks to recover (COVID, and then reoccurring chest infections). I appreciate it sounds like a scam, but I think she's just irresponsible. I'll speak with her again and make my boundaries very clear as this wont be a repeat behaviour that I will tolerate. Thank you all again.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  + ♥, writes (5 March 2023):
 I'm sorry, op, but this all sounds like a scam to me. `You are allowing her to walk all over you because "she comes before all else and I just want to know she's safe". It is commendable you think of your wife so highly, but how highly does SHE think of YOU when she can steal money from you (yes, she STOLE it if she spent it without discussing it with you first - let's call it what it is). How highly does she think of you when she blew $800 on concert tickets (allegedly - because I am assuming you have no proof that is where the money went) when she was - again allegedly - supposed to be working to put back the money she stole from you in the first place?
Stop being a mug. Open your eyes. She will carry on behaving in this manner as long as you allow it and make excuses for her.
Sorry, I don't see this ending well.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 March 2023):
 |Are you sure she WANTS to relocate?
Someone who spends $800 dollars on something as "useless" as concert tickets when she HAS no income (at the time) and the money she uses is already earmarked for Visa costs - is not really wanting to get that Visa, is she?
"She said she feels guilty about it and she will probably be upset with me when I bring it up again."
Yeah, because she got caught! But she needs to know that this is a no-no. Why is she up set with you? YOU didn't go throw money at something YOU couldn't afford! SHE DID.
I would let her know that it is ON HER financially to save up for the Visa fees. If she DOES want to relocate to your neck of the woods.
And I think you NEED to have a sit-down and talk BUDGET with her. If she ever makes it over. A budget she needs to stick to.
Is she MUCH younger than you? I ask because it seems like something a teenager would do. Spending $800 on concert tickets. How many people did she buy tickets for? And who?
How well do you know her?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2023): It sounds like you barely know her. How do you know she was really ill? How do you know she wants to be with you? it sounds like she just wants you to believe you are a pair, so long as she can be a long way away, and spend your money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2023): You married someone who is irresponsible and terrible with money. It has nothing to do with expressing yourself, if you can do that here you can do it the same way with her.
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