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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, I am 19 years old and a freshman in college. I am living at home this summer and my boyfriend is also living at his home. He informed me the other day that he and a bunch of pals (some I personally deem as immature) are going to take a trip to Montreal and that they might visit some strip clubs. I told him I didn't want him to go, and said it was dirty and wrong and degrading to women and so on. He told me that he was going anyway because what was he going to do? Hang out outside? and he said that he simply wanted to go to hang out with his friends and plus they would rag on him if he refused to go into a strip club. I am appalled that he will not honor my request not to go. I mean I know boys are boys, but I thought that if I explained myself and he knew how hurt it makes me, perhaps he will change. He still refuses to budge. I'm not so scared about him cheating on me, i's just that fact that it hurts me so much and he doesn't care, is making me look like I can't satisfy him, and I don't like to think about him drooling over other girls, or supporting a activity I understand as dirty and wrong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): Everything is a risk. Some people, even strippers themselves, will say that nothing goes on in a strip club. But they don't know that about EVERY stripclub. I heard a radio show once where they were getting callers to call in anonymously and say what they've experienced from strippers and strip clubs. Some said "Yea, it's just fun, but nobody goes home with anyone". But then an actual stripper called in and confessed that she stripped for 12 years and she said 50% of the bachellor parties she performed the GROOM would request to have sex. She said out of all the times she was asked, she only slipped up once because they kept giving her shots and she got really drunk. Also, there are accounts of really sleazy strip clubs where the private room is used for prostitution. Why do you think some of these places get busted for? So one opinion may be "No, nothing goes on there" or "Strippers only DANCE for you" (then again these may be individuals not wanting to break the selfish "Guy Code")...and that may be true, maybe some places AREN'T like that, but keep in mind some places and some strippers actually ARE. So it's all a chance on many factors. Ultimately, you just have to listen to your gut and ask yourself if you want to take a chance on someone with these interests. Oprah says "Doubt means Don't every time". Here's a good site if you want to start looking for REAL men who wouldn't even put you in this position to feel this way:
http://howtotellifaguyisajerk.blogspot.com/2007/05/where-are-great-men.html
It's full of great advice and inspiration.
In my opinion, there are two worlds. The superficial "sex equals power" world that people obsess over and make money off of (i.e. prostitutes, call girls, strippers, porn industry, the material world in genereal who use sex to advertise their products, and then the people who give in to it, usually the younger genereation. you know, while they're still young and ignorant. typical college frat boys, girls gone wild type of girls - they belong together in their hodgepodge of orgies, and adults in mid-life crisis)......and then there are spiritual men and women out there who live and think more deeply and understand the true meaning of love and beauty. Take your pick and find your nicht.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2008): Has anyone given the thought to the fact that HE had told her what he was about to do for the weekend. I don't know about most but if a man didn't care about you nor your feelings he would have lied to you.
I am an exotic dancer as well as holding down another job so that I have the work experience for when I give it up for good. However, its the same old story - strippers are this, strippers are that - have any of you with negative comments even taken the time to speak with one of us, sit down with our families, our children, basically try to get to know us before making a judgement?
Forming an opinion about a group of people based on what you've heard from others is never the way. And word to the wise most men lie through thier teeth about what occurs in a stripclub. The go for a dance and because they don't want to seem like a looser to thier friends for spending 300 bucks on a girl for nothing but conversation and maybe a dance or two - they simply will lie.
However I'm not naive enough to think that some dancers don't go the extra mile but I can assure majority do not for the simple fact other dancers are cut throat and would most likely beat them to a pulp if they found out, simply because no one can compete with a whore.
Well all in all give him his freedom now to do as he chooses he is young. If you try to take it from him now he will resent you and do worse hurtful things to you for it. Instead slip him a 20 and say your first dance on me.. when he realizes this doesn't bother you he wont be able to stop from calling you, talking to some poor stripper about you how great you were (trust me we dancers should have been therapists- men forever talk about thier wives with us and pay us for the company not even a dance).
Thats all I can say for now but all will be ok as long as you don't harp on him, harping on him forces him in someone elses arms.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2008): I think that this girl has every right to air her views, surely in a relationship both parties are entitled to her opinion.my main issues about stripping is whilst its their choice to take their clothes off and be 'creative' with thier bodies, they have little regard for their fellow females. Now before anyone casts aspersions, I am an attractive slim girl, who was once asked if I wanted to strip, so this really isnt about jealousy.I dont always appreciate the attention I get from men. It makes me uncomfortable and I sometimes feel threatened. I think because even the 'girl next door' can be a stripper of a porn queen, this has blurred this line for men to understand the value class of women - ie one worthy of a shag, a date, or forever?Not so many years ago women in such trades were deemed as an the underclass.The acceptance of this culture into normal life was to empower women who do not see this as a degrading career (handy arguement for those boys) but also allow the continuation of the trade, for it not to be detremental to the client that uses the service (mmm how very handy politician man)unfortunately the result of this is that alot of men (particuarly the younger generation - who are brought up on soft porn mags dressed up as mens lifestyle mags) pool all women into this category, if you are reasonably attractive, or showing much flesh. that this is a green light, that you are loose and you will put out. 'just like those stripper girls who will get everything out' I think this is the very reason strip joints make girls uncomfortable. Women who choose to use thier bodies for the tittilation of men (who lets face it will look at anything naked) - i really can only say this is a shame that they contribute many spins of porngraphic industry, it takes a much stronger women to work thier magic in this mans world without resorting to nudity and suggestive sexual behaviour - i think it is a shame all women cannot rise above this easy buck. its also a sustainable approach, one that doesnt rely on self absorbtion and cosmetic surgery maintenance (designed originally for burns victims) I hear strippers saying how dare you. I just know that if the attitude is why not be a stripper, men are easy money. Money doesnt breed intelligence, or morality.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): hey hun, I'm a EXOTIC DANCER and I take offense to what you said. I'm also a college student, I dance because I enjoy it. I'm a model from Hawaii and New York and I love the feel of getting on a huge stage and performing. I don't do drugs and I don't have sex with random people. You have NO place telling your boyfriend what to do. It just makes you look bad. Yes DANCERS are models and they are beautiful with GREAT bodies. Especially Canadian clubs, however if he wants to be with you he won't be going home with any of them. That is if they would even think of touching him lol.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Honestly, I'd get jealous out of my mind and I'd probably act just as hurt as you... But since I'm looking at this from the outside, I can see more clearly...
From my experience, decent, well brought up boys find strippers dirty. The way the describe them goes from dirty, to gross, to nasty, to cheap, to prostitute. And hey, I'm not saying a stripper has to be any of these, but thats just what I KNOW men say. I've hung around men my whole life, have never had one solid female relationship (for no other reason then that I much prefer the cpmpany and conversation of men) so I'm pretty sure of mens opinions on this. ANyway, men will know if a woman is hot, pretty, fat, skinny, beautiful whatever regardless of how much more attractive he might think you are. Hey, no one feels worst pangs of jealousy than me to hear this, but it is true. I want to cry everytime my boyfriend admitts that any girl isnt horrible looking (lo) even though he's made it quite clear that he finds me unbearable hott (niiiiiiice haha). But aaaaanyway, what I'm saying is that him seeing strippers is no big deal, because they are rarely much prettier than most girls - they are just very naked. And believe me, the fun of it all is just being in that environment - not really much to drool over women. The only guys that drool over strippers are really old helpless guys (IM SERIOUS).
Man, now if you could only put yourself in your boyfriends situation... You want him to tell his friends that he has to bail out on a fundamental part of their guys roadtrip because of his girlfriend... Guys feel so humilliated by that in front of their friends... Really, the whole degrading to women thing... In my opinion strippers are just working... They arent being hurt and they usually understand that whatever people think when they look at them (drooling old men or college students calling them nasty and throwing bills at them) isnt personal, its just the job. Strippers arent people that have no other option for income. If they have skills to be a stripper on stage, they sure as hell have strippers to get jobs as waitresses or anything else that involves dealing with people. So they know the pros and cons of stripping and they have other options... That being said, I think you should let it go, because theres more important thing to worry about then strippers, so let it go. Aaaaaaanyway.... Of course your boyfriend cares. He CHOOSES to be with you, and its a pain up his ass to have you nagging about it - so last thing he wants is to upset you (apart from the fact that he probably likes you as well and wants you happy!) so you know what, let it go, because hes not gonna cheat because of strip clubs, hes gonna have a good time with his friends, after partying with guys he'll be relieved to come back to the calm and rest of his life and of you, he'll think it's so nice of you to let it go and be understanding - it'll just be one more thing he can say to his friends or himself "my girlfriend was super cool about it". If you actually convinve him to not go (which would be sad, because all his friends would go without him or theyd change the plan and hed be humiliated) he'll be bitter and just fewel crappy about being in a relationship. Not saying he'd break up at all, but the score would subconsciously be SINGLE LIFE 1, RELATIONSHIP 0. Now, I know your boyfriends looong made that call, its been months since youve asked this, but im hoping that someone will stumble upon this and read my comment. I myself was looking for advice on how to try to be more patient with my boyfriend I amright now super jealous of him at a bar in Toronto with his friends - and I'm writing to distract myself and not call him in the middle of the night and be whiny or mean, which would ruin his night and just make me look like such a boring and clingy little girlfriend. Hope this heeeelps. Anyone want to talk about how to deal with senseless (i would love that) I'm on facebook as "Thais F" in the Queens University network. I really want to be nicer to my boyfriend and a big part would be learning to give him space. Anyone that wants to discuss please do contact me!!! Have a great day/night you guys!!!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2007): You are NOT being unreasonable and don't let all of these "boys will be boys" folks make you back down on your feelings. If a man is in a relationship, then going to a strip club without you present is disrespectful. other women may feel differently, but you are not alone in how you feel about this. If he truly respects and cares about you, he will not go, just as I'm sure you wouldn't do something that you knew would upset him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2006): if he is close in age with you he is mentally 2 years younger realisticly. if he is not in the same town as you who else is he going to hang out with. if you trust him, let him do whatever he wants, both of you will be happier for it. if he hasn't done anything in the past to make you question his judgement or actions then let it be. if he IS telling you then he wants you to know what he is up to. it's when they don't tell you what they are doing and you have to find out from someone else what is going on that is a concern. don't break it off with him because of the outside guy peer pressure. he'll outgrow it in time as well. my boyfriend is 28 now...i'm 31 and we have been together for 6.5 years. he used to go with his friends when we first started dating and now he has no interest in going. and even when he and all of his buddies did go, he'd tell me that they were going and the bunch of them would just sit around and watch the television as well cause the hockey was on at the same time. think of it as a right of passage for young guys. if they don't take part they will be looked at as a pussy by their peers. hang in there and call all of your girl friends to go out for a fun night yourselves!@
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female
reader, mystify +, writes (2 January 2006):
 wow! you poor girl, you really did get one hammering from these guys!
the way i see it, if you are in a relationship that is worth anything , then you have a right to ask your fella not to somthing that will hurt you!
afterall a relationship is about compromise!
you are right stripclubs are degrading ...no not to the strippers but to women! how can woman ever be seen as more than sex if it keeps being confirmed!
...and then people wonder why woman are constantly being subjected to vicious sexual attacks and gang rapes!
you need to find some better circles to move in there are plenty of people with better values than this around .
if your fella does stuff he knows will hurt you then he is probably not ready for the kind of relationship you deserve,
find someone who respects you
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2005): Hun, you have to relax and not worry about your guy going to strip clubs. Bachelor parties and strip clubs are often the ultimate bonding experience for guys. I can’t really explain the fraternity in getting piss-drunk and howling at naked boobies, but somehow there is a certain bond formed. (Or, more likely, it is a pathetic, century-old excuse for men to view live women in the buff) It’s a matter of debate whether it’s wrong to deny a bachelor or bachelorette party, but if my fiancé was bothered by it, I’d do anything not to hurt my baby. (Although I hope she would understand, thereafter why all the guys would refer to me as the “Mrs.”) I admit to being a hypocrite. I look at other people but get bothered by my girlfriend doing the same. I know it’s harmless because I would always choose someone I was in love with over some other hot body. (I’m not lying … I’ve turned away Heidi Klum and Elizabeth Hurley despite their violent declarations because I was in love.) All kidding aside, OK, sometimes I’m also a liar. I will tell her, I’m not looking when I am, because I don’t want to mislead and hurt her.Some women are cool with their guys looking at arousing pictures of beautiful people; they might consider a beautiful body a work of art and accept it. Others might feel insecure and outshined by the models their lovers take such interest in. But all the guys are doing is looking. That’s where the line is drawn for a lot of guys. If you love them and something miniscule in the major scheme of things like showing admiration for the body of another human being or having a thonged crotch jiggle in your face bothers your (potential) true love, it’s worth giving up in my book. (Obviously, if you’re a porno editor or a strip club reviewer, you’re gonna have a tougher time making these sacrifices, so screw you and your cool job.lol) We need to accept that beauty and sensuality are part of the world, but if your relationship is filled with sacrifice, compromise and an honest comprehension of each other's feeling it will survive this trying time. So dump the pent up resentment at your boyfriend...and accept that he loves you and only you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2005): While I respect your values and morals as a respectable, good person..I think all you can do in this situation is do what you did. You told him how you felt..so leave it at that. Being honest and letting him know your feelings about strip clubs is OK but...you can't expect him to necesarily agree with your concerns and opinions. He has the godgiven right to disagree and do what HE wants. And..he wants a night out with the boys.
He loves you and this isn't something he does all the time. If you trust him fully, and if this is only a once in a blue moon thing, and I don't see a problem.
I think the problem is that you're insecure with yourself. Is it that you think he'll see something in one of the strippers that he likes better? If that's the case then, from what you say of him, it's unfounded. He loves you. If you have faith in your boyfriend and you know he'll never cheat then I think you need to figure out what it is inside you that is causing this fear of him seeing strippers and try to work it out. Strippers are merely doing their job...they like the money..many of them actually are repulsed by the men that frequent strip bars. They do it..because it's just a job. While she's up on stage strutting her stuff, looking sexy while some fat, bald guy is leering up at her...believe me..she's NOT turned on. In fact, they can't wait to get off that stage. After awhile, these girls become desensitized just turn off a switch and do their act like "zombies" up there. No-not the best occupation-but some women like the good money and the big tips. When all is said and done-remember...at the end of the day, your guy loves you and is there for only you. So lighten up, hun. Phone up some galpals and go out for a Girls Night Out" Let loose and have a blast!
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male
reader, harshbutfair  +, writes (19 July 2005):
 Sweet-heart, YOU are on the route to dumpsville. You're not married, you're not engaged and ALREADY you're badgering your poor fella and telling him what he can and can't do. The human body is pretty beautiful and sexy (well, on some people). Why would you deny your boyfriend the chance to have some fun with his friends when he is YOUNG and check out some talent. If you were secure in your relationship and had high self esteem you wouldn't mind. Thought that "Pops" was spot on.
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reader, pops +, writes (19 July 2005):
Why don't you turn this into a positive? Or are you so immature that you aren't interested in why men go to strip clubs? Now that he has gone, ask him to take you. If he wants to know why you would want to go to a strip club, tell him you want to see and learn what the women do to attract men, and maybe learn some pointers.
Women afraid of cheating men have a problem with their own self esteem, and, in this case, you are tacitly admitting that you are not sure how to attract, and keep a boyfriend, much less a husband. Get an education. And then get your head screwed on straight. There is nothing " degrading" between two people who love each other. If you are going to be lovers, your primary concern, as will be his, is how to pleasure you. After all, if your are going to be faithful to him, and expect the same to him, you need to know what turns him on( what he likes and dislikes, what his fantasies are, and whether he wants to act out those fantasies)and take on that job. You need to demand that he also know you, and be prepared to pleasure you often. My wife and I got rid of the jealousy concerns by doing this, and then we also agreed to keep our eyes out for members of the opposite sex that we knew each other would be visibly attracted to, and point them out to each other. We then both had permission to " Look " at other men and women, without getting upset that the other was doing so. We never cheated on each other, and never felt the need, or desire to do so. She got to ogle some very good looking men, and I got to eye some very pretty women, without guilt. We even teased each other during lovemaking with the experiences. Now, why would anyone stray from a partner like that to chase some unknown person? Get the point? pops
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reader, Christie +, writes (19 July 2005):
I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh, as it isn't intended to be but boys will be boys. Though I am sure he is a veery loving and mature boyfriend, he is still a guy, and even if you are the most amazing thing he could ever imagine, going out with his mates to have a typical 'lads' night out is still going to bring him joy.
I'm sure he cares about weather you are feeling hurt or not, but does not know howe to react, as he wants to go, knowing it shouldnt change your relationship, yet you are hurt.
Him going to a strip club with his mates says nothing bad about you either. It simply says he is a normal young male. I would try and not worry or stress over it as in the long run, this shouldnt cause too much heartache. take care.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (19 July 2005):
It wasnt very fair of you to say that he couldnt go. He and his friends are probably just out to have a laugh and visiting strip clubs is a thing that a lot of young men do on nights out. especially on holiday.
I personally, wouldnt mind my boyfriend going to a strip club with some friends unless it bacame a regular occurence, however, you do not agree with people visiting strip clubs at all which is another matter.
Tell him once again (nicely) how you feel about strip clubs in general and the reasons why. If he doesnt come round, it may be just one of those things you will have to agree to disagree on.
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