A
female
age
30-35,
*anuary19
writes:I am having been talking with a 40 year old man online for the past four months. We tell each other romantic things but I've noticed he rejects something actually meaningful. For example, we decided to watch a movie at the same time together and I told him it made me feel like it was a bit of a date and his response was that he didn't quite see it as a date but more of a sharing of interest. We both enjoy romance. I had spoken with him vaguely for two months before we started a daily routine. We met at a chat-room for adults...I wasn't really supposed to be there since I was seventeen but I said I was nineteen and passed the silly photo test. I came clean with him a month ago and he seemed okay with it only that he stopped flirting sexually and only held up with being charming. I set my status to: there needs to be passion and he "randomly" told me, "hey! only less than three weeks for your eighteenth birthday :)" so I shall assume that's one of his reasons to retreat when conversations head in a sexual direction. He isn't clandestine about his life. If I ask he'll tell me the story. He has a thing, I've noticed, about telling names. He told me his real name (no one uses a real name in a chat-room) but later on I learned it was his second name the one he told me and when I asked for his first name he said it was too early to say that. I haven't asked about his kid's names, he told me one on his own when we were conversing about his child's birthday so I am waiting patiently for him to reveal other information on his pace.He lives in the middle east coast of the US and I have been planning all my life to study in that precise area of the US so there is a bigger possibility to actually meet in real life. We have talked about it very little but we've told each other we would really like to meet in real life. He knows about my plans on moving to where he lives for the fall. I had told him this way before I even knew where he lived, my mother is thinking on moving to that state because she wants to start new. I'm going to be 18 on 23/11/10 and I just wonder... If we do meet in real life... I'm a virgin, why would he want to be with someone as inexperienced as me when there's obviously women his age that would know how to please him? I told him this and he told me that it's normal for someone my age to be inexperienced. I don't really touch serious conversations with him, perhaps I am afraid I'll scare him but I also wonder why he is going so slow with this. I had answered my question by setting the status to "there needs to be passion" but I could be wrong?I don't know, it's just going to be so inappropriate if we do have a real thing. I know my mother wouldn't approve. I am sure I am getting way over my head here but if I ever do meet his kids... I am only three years older than his eldest son. I really like him. But this fills me with doubts. I remember we were playing a game where I'd ask him something and then he'd ask me. I asked him what his most frequent thought of me was and he told me that that question was really about me, not of him. I told him that that question is actually about him, since his thoughts are not mine but told him that it was okay, he didn't have to answer and that I didn't think my question held so much meaning behind it. I know I shouldn't let my head go to the clouds from time to time but I am a dreamer. I allow myself to make up stories in my head, I want to be a novelist after all. I at least give myself very constant reality checks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2010): It seems like you are more romantically interested in him than he is in you.
You say he rejects things that are actually meaningful, and that he stopped flirting sexually when he found out your age. So, he doesnt want to lead you on and he doesnt want to do anything inappropriate (I dont think he's a predator).
I think that what you get out of speaking to him is what you would not recieve from an imature boy your own age. You seem very intelligent, and I bet conversations with this older man are very stimulating in various ways. Perhaps he finds speaking to a young lady like you refreshing and invigorating.
You must be careful not to get too caught up in the conversation though. It is true that what people say to strangers on the internet can be more personal and honest than in real life, even without sharing names. Maybe you have developed a 'crush' for this man based on these conversations with him. It is fun to fantasise and daydream about him, but you cant forget the reality of the situation: you have never actually met him.
I am not going to warn you of the danger of predators, remind you that he is old enough to be your father, or ramble about how inexperienced you may be in life. I believe that you are mature enough to think through anything you feel uncomfortable about. My advice is that you should slow down. You have only been speaking to him for two months, its not very long to have known someone on the internet. Why not choose a period of time to wait and then re-assess the situation. For example, in another two months see where you are at with this man, do you feel the same way? How does he react to meaningful things now? A lot can change in two months.
Hopefully this doesnt sound rude, as I dont want to upset you, but I honestly think that you have just a crush on him that will pass. He has acted very responsibly to not say anything that would specifically encourage you. Please dont see only what you want to see, you need to be realistic when trying to judge his emotions towards you. The fact that he didnt want to answer the question "whats your most frequent thought of me" needs realistic consideration. You said you're filled with doubt, perhaps since you know your romantic feelings are not being returned. (But then again, I dont know all the details so I could be completely wrong about everything I am writing here :) )
Maybe you should focus on where you are at right now. You're enjoying talking to him, so why not just keep enjoying talking to him without complicating it. See where it goes. In a few months time it could change. You're young and you shouldnt be spending time worrying about losing your virginity to a 40 year old man!
I am actually in a similar situation to you, although my circumstances may be more surprising! I'm 17 (18 in November this year like you :) ), and I have been chatting to a wonderful gentleman over the internet for about two years now. He is 45! I live in Australia, and he lives in the UK. Chatting to him is very fulfilling for me, as it gives me what I wouldnt have access to otherwise since society is so close-minded about relationships of any sort between two people with a large age difference. Both of us are very aware of the consequences of our age difference and have discussed it in depth. My age was a surprise to him, since I seem to have the maturity of a thirty year old, but he is still quite keen on meeting regardless. I told him that we would see what happens next year, whether we fall out of contact or grow closer. Then we could consider meeting in the next one or two years after this. I believe taking things very slowly is important for such an internet circumstance.
The way I found your question here was by googling 'age differences'. I was looking for someone who was experiencing or who had experienced a similar situation to mine, and I've found you :) I would like to share my msn or email with you, please reply if you are interested. It would be nice to discuss the topic further with you.
Keep safe and goodluck
xx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): the guy is going through a midlife crisis and wants to feel young again. dump in or in the very least do not become sexually involved with him because you'll end up just getting hurt.
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A
male
reader, evildrspock  +, writes (8 November 2010):
 How can you really connect with him when his life must be at a completely different place than yours? At your age, which I am only a few years over, I could never imagine being at a place where I have kids graduating from high school.You're what, nearing 18? About or just out of High School? His kid's age ... that sounds weird to me. I suggest not pursuing this. Not to mention the obvious potential of him being a predator who only wants to use you ... which is BTW the first red flag that says NO! '... considering he may actually be sincere in his intentions, for the sake of conversation, I feel you stand only to get hurt. If things don't work out but you have some contact for a while, imagine carrying around the fact you've been with someone that much older, that that's how you learned and gained experience. If I were you, I'd seek out someone near your age, with similar aspirations and goals. Someone you could actually, potentially plan a life out with, that you'd experience and grow through together. Someone who's kids wouldn't be the same age as your cousins. :p
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