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Why won't she speak to me anymore?

Tagged as: Friends<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (29 June 2014) 2 Answers - (Newest, 30 June 2014)
A female United Kingdom age 22-25, *x-Scorpio-xX writes:

Hi,

Basically one of my close female friends has suddenly stopped talking to me. We've been friends for 7 years, but the past 3 i've been away at university and have come back for a few weeks in the holidays.

Everything was normal (we never messaged each other that much, just the occasional thing on facebook) and last month i had a problem and she helped me through it and everything felt fine.

Last week though i messaged her saying that i was coming home for summer, can we meet up and it said she'd read it but didn't reply. i gave it a day or so and messaged again and she still didn't reply back to me. I've messaged her boyfriend asking if she was ok and he said she was and she was just busy. But she's on facebook ALL the time and replies to everyone else and likes everything else people comment on or upload :\ I haven't done anything to upset her that i'm aware of, the only thing i can think of is a few weeks ago i did some work experience in the industry she wants to go into as well so maybe a bit of jealousy, though she's not really the jealous sort?

I messaged her again on Thursday and she didn't even see this one, but i asked her why she wasn't replying, doesn't she want to be friends, etc..

I'm wondering if i should just go over to her house and try and speak to her in person, as i just really want to know if this is deliberate or something else? it's just really hurting me right now....

View related questions: facebook, jealous, university

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A male reader, Mark1978 United Kingdom +, writes (30 June 2014):

Mark1978 agony auntHello,

Please don't go to her house. It would likely cause more issues and more upset. I would leave her alone now and not make further contact unless she initiates it. She has made it crystal clear is doesn't wish to speak to you for whatever reason, at least for now. However much it hurts you need to respect her wishes in that respect else you will come across as needy and annoying, sorry, and you will make it harder on yourself.

We all know how it feels to have a good friend suddenly blank us for no apparent reason. It chews us up, hurts us, confuses, makes us feel insecure as we don't know WHY its happening so cannot prevent a similar thing happening with others. The likes of Facebook don't help, seeing our friends spending so much time chatting and laughing with others, making comments and so on, only to be too "busy" to speak to us. It hurts.

Its impossible for us to say for sure what has caused this.

Sometimes people change. Often peoples situation changes. It may be, in the nicest possible sense, that she is moving on from the people she knew in the past. That's quite common at your age as people become an adult they distance themselves from the life and people they once knew.

If you have been away at University for Three years, and during that time have only messaged each other occasionally, then it may be that the friendship has drifted into nothing. Three years is a long time when you are young. If you only saw each other every now and then, and hardly communicated, then she probably, in the kindest possible sense, found new friends and changed a lot as a person also.

I hope your friendship is just enduring a temporary blip, but one thing you will learn over the next few years is that friends you grew up with, people who have been a big part of your life, often disappear very quickly in the early part of adulthood. Its sad but true. People change, as they take on adult responsibilities and so forth, they can become very different people. Maybe she wasn't jealous in the past but over the three years you have been away has become increasingly so?

Maybe she felt that after not seeing you much for three years, and not messaging each other much either, you were taking liberties by asking her to solve the problem in your life that you mentioned? Perhaps she had other things you were unaware of going on and felt overwhelmed or stressed?

Either way, I would follow eric troys advice and review how close she actually was to you. Your post suggests that she wasn't that close at all to be honest.

Mark

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (30 June 2014):

Honeypie agony auntI would just back off. I know it's kind of hard having the sense that someone is mad at you when you feel you didn't do anything (though... I think messaging her BF was a little over the top, but that might just be me).

However if you have her phone number (and I will presume that you do) WHY not call her? Showing up at her house seems a tad confrontational.

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