A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner a year but we were friends before that. I'd say our relationship is good, we talk, laugh have a good sex life (the best I've ever had actually)and can tease each other and have fun. we have discussed serious things too and he told me he was sexually and physically abused as a child. Just recently a relative of his decided they needed to have a heart to heart with me and tell me all about his past. they were surprised to know that he told me about the abuse he endured in childhood but I did not expect what was next. they told me that my partner likes to sleep around and they couldn't count how many he had been with but it was a lot. i was a bit surprised as he told me how many relationships he had been in but nothing was said about the sleeping around part. more than one family member says this is correct as does his ex. he said he had not slept with his ex for a year before he got with me but she said he slept with her 2 months before he got with me. when asked he said he had a lot of female friends and did not sleep around. I myself slept with less than 5 people he knows that and says he slept with the same amount as me. he denies sleeping around. now im not interested in having a body count or anything like that but i wonder why he wont tell me the truth. i do not believe his whole family could be making that up....could they? they all tell him how much they like me and how good i am for him so i cant see any ulterior motives. i just wonder why he would lie and im assuming hes lying cos so many people who care about him say pretty much the same thing. he gets mad when i ask and when i say his loved ones tell me the opposite of what he says he gets mad. i dont think he is a cheater (he hasnt cheated on me) i just think hes been indulging in a lot of casual sex or whatever you want to call it between relationships. his ex accused him of being a cheater but i dont believe her as she accused every boyfriend she has of being a cheater. also he had a baby with one woman who he said was just a friend but the family say no she wasnt. so the question is who thinks he is lying to me, why would he lie to me and should i just drop it after all its the past and as long as he treats me right thats what matters...right?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2012): "he told me he was sexually and physically abused as a child"Which can lead to a lot of issues around sexuality. Promiscuity being one of them, and the serious problems of having a long term intimate relationship.This is just one of many books.http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Sex-Mind-Body-Approach-Sexual/dp/1573442933If you are going to be with this guy long term, read and understand and discuss and have professional help. If he has not had professional counseling help, do not have children until this is worked on and thoroughly investigated and understood. Why?Because having children of your own often brings back the memories to "front and center" and can lead to relapses in the sexual behaviors that predated the long term relationship.The "exact" number of casual relationships does not matter, but the magnitude does and is a reflection of the abuse and the mental impacts on the person.I'm speaking from experience here, my wife's not mine, and what we went through. Unfortunately, in our case, she kept it completely hidden, and it led to puzzling problems in the marriage around many aspects. We were lucky to have our marriage survive. I am lucky to have a wife that didn't kill herself. Smiling and content on the surface, 4 kids, home, jobs, college education, pets, typical home, but praying to God in secret hoping to die and wishing she had the "courage" to kill herself to get it all over with to take away the memories.
A
female
reader, PerhapsNot  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 He probably thought you'd be disgusted with him if you found out how many people he slept with. He knows you didn't have many sexual partners, so to appeal to your lifestyle and moral outlook, he severely decreased his number, so he would appear more acceptable to you. It's a strategy. I understand where he is coming from, as I would never get involved with a man that shacks up with women as much as he takes showers. He didn't want you to question his character or judge him, so he lied. In the end, a lie is a lie no matter how stupid. His family has no reason to lie to you. If anything they're the ones telling you the truth. What I see as a reg flag here is that he is not fessing up to his lies. Why can't he tell you the truth after you have heard it all? He's not only lying about his previous lifestyle, but he's also lying about his baby's mother. Him denying everything would worry me. It's one thing to lie about stupid things, but then to continue to lie and not fess up - that's actually worrisome. This is not a good sign about his credibility.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (20 February 2012):
 Because the number really doesn't matter.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (20 February 2012):
 Because that number might shock you and cast a series of doubts in your hearts. Things like, is he actually a commitment phobe, is he capable of loving besides in the bedroom, can he handle the responsibility of taking care of a spouse and a child? Your boyfriend is worried that you can't handle his past, judge him and leave him. Sexually abused people look at sex as love, they focus on providing the best sex in return of love, that might mean continuing the relationship, being friendly to each other as long as no one probes too deeply into their souls. They may not know what love is. He will continue to treat you right as long as you don't question when he is finally going to commit to you. I won't be surprising to you that once you talk about marriage, you would end up like his other exes who were just "friends" to him.
His family members are seeing a trend to his relationships with his women, and are trying to prevent you from getting hurt later.
Acknowledging sex abuse is a first step. Healing from it is the difficult second part. Unless a person forgives the past, the perpetrator, one can't learn to love and trust. For some people the hurt can be so big that they decide to not open their hearts again because healing means digging up old wounds and facing the pain again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): Sounds like everyone who really knows him is trying to warn you about his character. It's your right not to listen but you really believe he was just friends with a woman who had his child? I think whatever anyone says to you on this site will fall on deaf ears as well!
The words he tells you really fall flat in the face of reality and I doubt any of these people who really know him have any motive for telling you the truth. He lies about his past and about who he really is so he's the one you can't trust.
Had he really changed and say his past was behind him, his loved ones would be supporting him and not trying to protect you from him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2012): I would say drop it. His family may assume that he was sleeping around, it doesn't make it true though. I used to go out clubbing, but I never had casual sexual encounters, in fact I was a virgin until I was 24 years old, but some members of my family assumed if I went clubbing it meant i was sleeping around, they told other members of my family that I was, but the fact is I wasn't. I was also sexually abused as a child, and sometimes people can assume that because of that past, that someone will become promiscuous because unfortunately so many people do. I suggest you drop it, his family can't know for certain that he did sleep around because I doubt they would have been the deed actually occurred. I don't know if he is lying or not, but I think he is in a better position to know if he actually did these things than his family are. As for the woman he had a baby with, maybe it was a FWB deal and then him saying that they were friends is actually true. His family should have kept their mouths closed and minded their own business, what he did in the past is none of anyone else's business but his. The thing that concerns me is if you continue to believe everything that his family and anyone else says over him, you may end up losing him. If you don't want that, then drop it and focus on what you both have together.
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